This morning I had to take two gallons of milk into the preschool for the Christmas party tomorrow. As you can imagine, carrying two gallons of milk plus a Henry Boy in an infant carrier is not the easiest task. I encouraged Kailey to go ahead of me so she could "push the button" (handicap button) to open the door for me. Being that Kailey is wanting to help all the time, there was instant excitement. She ran up ahead of me (also exciting because I always make her hold my hand; she's a runner) and pushed the button. As she skipped through I thanked her and told her she was awesome. Her reply, "Yep, I am!" Of course I giggled a little.
There was a time in life when it was really hard for me to accept anyone's compliment. At one point I had a conversation with someone about compliments and how it's sometimes annoying when the recipient won't accept them. I remember the person saying they felt turning down a compliment was almost offensive because it's like telling the giver you don't respect their judgement. I started thinking about this idea and it really kind of made sense. I can't say I accept compliments as confidently as Kailey did this morning, but I definitely won't tell someone they're wrong anymore. When I started to accept compliments it did a lot for my confidence and allowed me to see myself in a different view; through other peoples eyes.
A compliment is an expression of someone's admiration. Let people freely admire you once in a while; I promise, it won't hurt.
Thursday, December 18, 2014
Monday, December 8, 2014
Enjoy the ride!
In this life we have many choices and hard decisions to make. Each new choice brings bits of adventure. Sometimes the adventures are lessons, loss or something trying. Others are laughter, joy and hope. This roller coaster of life seems to be picking up speed for me. I'll just continue holding on tight and looking for the enjoyment in every bumpy section. I feel lucky to have a husband and family to enjoy the adventure with.
Thursday, December 4, 2014
That silly cliche: All You Need is Love
I was never much of a Beatles fan until about six years ago. There was something about them I wanted to resist. Maybe it was the fact that everyone loved them so much. Then, I really listened to them and realized people liked them for a reason: they're good. (I know Grant, if you're reading this, my cool meter probably fell down a few notches, but at least I like the Beatles....never the Beach Boys).
Of late I have been feeling sort of off. I can't quite put a finger on exactly what's off, but life just is. If I really sit back and look at the things I've had go on in the last 5 months there's a lot piled up. I gave birth to a child, of which had to have a major surgery. My husband had to have a procedure done on his heart that seemed more scary than it really was because they didn't have all the facts completely correct. My family is also coming to grips with the idea of moving in a couple short months.
My plate has been nothing but full.
Through lack of sleep and frustration I have tried to maintain for myself the most composed state I can muster. This hasn't always been easy. I have been short with my children, my husband, not been a very attentive listener, and depressed.
Last night I arrived home from work and nothing was different than any other day. The kiddos were in bed and Nicholas was watching something on the tube. We heard Kailey upstairs. Nick went up to make sure all was well (if you saw the barricade we made in front of her closet to keep her from playing at bed and nap time you'd understand our worry). Nick came down and told me she would like me to give her a goodnight kiss and he left her door ajar. I went upstairs and slipped into her room. She saw me coming. I could feel her warmth inviting me to kneel down for a hug. Once I found myself hunched over, her arms shot out and around my neck with the tightest little squeeze I've had in a long time. I gave her a "true loves kiss" and told her good night. She whispered she loved me and we wished each other sweet dreams.
She will never know how much that hug meant to me. She will never understand that her unconditional love and quick forgiveness teaches me to be a better woman, wife and mother everyday. What I am coming to realize is it's easier to love others and not always easy to love myself. Trouble is, I can't really love someone more than I love myself in some cases. (That's a whole other blog post in itself).
One of the tools I am progressively trying to master is tapping into love at all times. In times of anger, sadness, kindness, depression, happiness, and frustration. A day filled with woe can be a day filled with love, if only I allow it.
Time to turn the off of life back on.
Of late I have been feeling sort of off. I can't quite put a finger on exactly what's off, but life just is. If I really sit back and look at the things I've had go on in the last 5 months there's a lot piled up. I gave birth to a child, of which had to have a major surgery. My husband had to have a procedure done on his heart that seemed more scary than it really was because they didn't have all the facts completely correct. My family is also coming to grips with the idea of moving in a couple short months.
My plate has been nothing but full.
Through lack of sleep and frustration I have tried to maintain for myself the most composed state I can muster. This hasn't always been easy. I have been short with my children, my husband, not been a very attentive listener, and depressed.
Last night I arrived home from work and nothing was different than any other day. The kiddos were in bed and Nicholas was watching something on the tube. We heard Kailey upstairs. Nick went up to make sure all was well (if you saw the barricade we made in front of her closet to keep her from playing at bed and nap time you'd understand our worry). Nick came down and told me she would like me to give her a goodnight kiss and he left her door ajar. I went upstairs and slipped into her room. She saw me coming. I could feel her warmth inviting me to kneel down for a hug. Once I found myself hunched over, her arms shot out and around my neck with the tightest little squeeze I've had in a long time. I gave her a "true loves kiss" and told her good night. She whispered she loved me and we wished each other sweet dreams.
She will never know how much that hug meant to me. She will never understand that her unconditional love and quick forgiveness teaches me to be a better woman, wife and mother everyday. What I am coming to realize is it's easier to love others and not always easy to love myself. Trouble is, I can't really love someone more than I love myself in some cases. (That's a whole other blog post in itself).
One of the tools I am progressively trying to master is tapping into love at all times. In times of anger, sadness, kindness, depression, happiness, and frustration. A day filled with woe can be a day filled with love, if only I allow it.
Time to turn the off of life back on.
Tuesday, December 2, 2014
Feeling the music again.
Sometimes songs change us and sometimes they allow us to feel the things that have changed us. For me, this is one of those songs. It's haunting, full of emotion, and oh so sweet. Love will do that to a person.
Connection
What is the definition of connection? A relationship in which a person, thing, or idea is linked or associated with something else.
There are many ways to be connected, and many things to be connected to.
A few years ago I was at a yoga retreat and the teacher was talking about a spiders web with gems, much like water droplets, at each intersection. Each gem was to represent every person. The teacher went on to explain each movement of the web, however big or small, influences every other person in the web of life. I have often thought about this story and looked back on things in my life and noticed how my movements have affected those close, and far from me. Sometimes it's not always so obvious. Here's a link to a story of the spider web for those interested: http://www.susunweed.com/herbal_ezine/September05/pf_goddess.htm
There have been times in my life when I have felt an instant connection with a person while others it may have taken time to feel connected. I was recently talking about how I had a moment with a friend of mine where there seemed to be no one else in the packed room but the two of us having our conversation. I can't even tell you what the conversation was about or why we were so engulfed, but there was a connection that was not to be mistaken.
My best friend and I had not seen each other for over two years until recently. I was so excited to see her but the closer I got to being in her company, the more anxious and almost depressed I got. I was not apprehensive about our reunion so much as I was scared we'd grown apart or that our connection may have gotten farther away (the connection I have with her is one I can almost visually see, from my heart to hers). Of course I realized we still have a lot in common, even more so now that we both have children. We can still support each other in our goals and dreams even without having each other within a reasonable driving distance.
Being far away from someone doesn't take the connection away. It can sometimes make you feel like the affect of movement in the web is smaller, but it's still there. There are also times when the movement is felt, but helping is nearly intangible. For me, that's the hardest part. Not being able to be physically there. Not being about to touch, hug, cry with, celebrate or give love in the physical body.
Sometimes being connected is enough.
There are many ways to be connected, and many things to be connected to.
A few years ago I was at a yoga retreat and the teacher was talking about a spiders web with gems, much like water droplets, at each intersection. Each gem was to represent every person. The teacher went on to explain each movement of the web, however big or small, influences every other person in the web of life. I have often thought about this story and looked back on things in my life and noticed how my movements have affected those close, and far from me. Sometimes it's not always so obvious. Here's a link to a story of the spider web for those interested: http://www.susunweed.com/herbal_ezine/September05/pf_goddess.htm
There have been times in my life when I have felt an instant connection with a person while others it may have taken time to feel connected. I was recently talking about how I had a moment with a friend of mine where there seemed to be no one else in the packed room but the two of us having our conversation. I can't even tell you what the conversation was about or why we were so engulfed, but there was a connection that was not to be mistaken.
My best friend and I had not seen each other for over two years until recently. I was so excited to see her but the closer I got to being in her company, the more anxious and almost depressed I got. I was not apprehensive about our reunion so much as I was scared we'd grown apart or that our connection may have gotten farther away (the connection I have with her is one I can almost visually see, from my heart to hers). Of course I realized we still have a lot in common, even more so now that we both have children. We can still support each other in our goals and dreams even without having each other within a reasonable driving distance.
Being far away from someone doesn't take the connection away. It can sometimes make you feel like the affect of movement in the web is smaller, but it's still there. There are also times when the movement is felt, but helping is nearly intangible. For me, that's the hardest part. Not being able to be physically there. Not being about to touch, hug, cry with, celebrate or give love in the physical body.
Sometimes being connected is enough.
Friday, October 24, 2014
Sunshine, my Sweets, my Sunshine
I was so terrified of being a Mama to a daughter. I've been a tomboy most of my life and can't always relate to girly girl stuff. As soon as Kailey was born and they told me I had a daughter I knew, deep in my gut, it was meant to be and I would be okay. The funny part is, she's so girly, SO girly, and I love it. I love letting her be who she is.
For the last three years she has brought nothing but sunshine to my life.There are moments when she is a gentle reminder to let go and have fun. Once in a while she's also a little tiny mirror of my own self. She will do something or say something and then I realize she's picked that up from me, and it's not always my good traits ;)
In the last three years I have watched her bloom into her own little person. She is stubborn, works hard, artistic and a joy to be around. There are so many people in her life that love her to the moon and back. Everyday I am thankful I was given a daughter; a daughter that always amazes me and teaches me about unconditional love.
I don't think I really knew what love was until I became a mother.
For the last three years she has brought nothing but sunshine to my life.There are moments when she is a gentle reminder to let go and have fun. Once in a while she's also a little tiny mirror of my own self. She will do something or say something and then I realize she's picked that up from me, and it's not always my good traits ;)
In the last three years I have watched her bloom into her own little person. She is stubborn, works hard, artistic and a joy to be around. There are so many people in her life that love her to the moon and back. Everyday I am thankful I was given a daughter; a daughter that always amazes me and teaches me about unconditional love.
I don't think I really knew what love was until I became a mother.
Processing, taking my time, and grieving.
The four hour wait while Henry was in surgery was the longest four hours of my entire life. It was also the hardest four hours of my life. For weeks all I could really think about was Henry having to go through surgery and pain to fix an imperfection that in my eyes was perfect.
It's been two days since Nick handed him over to the doctor and though the hardest part is over, I'm still processing everything that just happened. I can tell you, I feel like I'm in a state of grief. This may not make sense, but it's part of my process and I'm going to stay with it. When you have a child with a cleft you know they will change and you try to imagine what they will look like when the transformation is complete, but nothing in the imagination prepares you for when it actually take place. Henry's lip looks amazing and is already healing up quite quickly. I am still in shock at how dramatic such a small "fix" changed his face. Even though he is still my Henry, still the boy I carried in my womb, he doesn't look like my Henry. I feel sad to feel that way, but it's true. I already miss his old smile and in the same breath feel like I've forgotten how the original smile looked on him.
Change is good and it's also inevitable. All of us change over time and hardly look the same as we did as children, but the change is gradual, not over a four hour period. It's a lot to process and a lot to take in.
I can't wait to have my little man back in his normal state, giggling and smiling. Right now he's a little out of it still, being that he's on Tylenol with Codeine.
We are over the hill and on the way down. Now for the next hill.....
It's been two days since Nick handed him over to the doctor and though the hardest part is over, I'm still processing everything that just happened. I can tell you, I feel like I'm in a state of grief. This may not make sense, but it's part of my process and I'm going to stay with it. When you have a child with a cleft you know they will change and you try to imagine what they will look like when the transformation is complete, but nothing in the imagination prepares you for when it actually take place. Henry's lip looks amazing and is already healing up quite quickly. I am still in shock at how dramatic such a small "fix" changed his face. Even though he is still my Henry, still the boy I carried in my womb, he doesn't look like my Henry. I feel sad to feel that way, but it's true. I already miss his old smile and in the same breath feel like I've forgotten how the original smile looked on him.
Change is good and it's also inevitable. All of us change over time and hardly look the same as we did as children, but the change is gradual, not over a four hour period. It's a lot to process and a lot to take in.
I can't wait to have my little man back in his normal state, giggling and smiling. Right now he's a little out of it still, being that he's on Tylenol with Codeine.
We are over the hill and on the way down. Now for the next hill.....
Friday, October 17, 2014
Satya: Speaking my Truth
It never ceases to amaze me how when you really need something, it's always provided....ALWAYS. I had a book in my wish list folder on Amazon for a long time called The Yamas and Niyamas by Deborah Adele. I don't know, it's probably been sitting in there for at least 3 years and I never actually pulled the trigger and bought it. A dear friend of mine holds a monthly yogi book club and posted the November book; The Yamas and Niyamas. I quickly logged onto my Amazon account and had the book shipped.
The first Yama is Ahimsa, or non violence. I actually have taught a class based off such ideals, and I do believe there's an older post about Ahimsa. I read through the chapter on ahimsa and then pondered the questions and exercises that followed. Ahimsa was not a new concept to me so I was eager to move onto the next Yama. Quickly I realized I needed to go back and read it again. I didn't pick up the book to read through it at a rabbits pace. That evening, I filled the tub with nice hot water and sunk down to soak up what I may have missed the first time.
Then came the second chapter; Satya or truthfulness. I can tell you right now, I am still marinating in this chapter. I did read through it twice already. However, it's still sitting in my brain and on my heart like a massive tumor. Why? Because I can't honestly say I've been completely truthful with myself or with those around me lately and it took reading this chapter to help me be truthful with myself about it.
Truthfulness has to come from a place of non violence to be accepted or heard. If it is not from a peaceful place it can be harmful, detrimental and crushing. Physical violence has not been a part of my daily life, but I can not say the same about mental and emotional violence. To understand violence in this manner we will touch on the yama ahimsa. Violence doesn't have to be kicking and screaming. It can mean being worrisome, holding onto that which is not of any use, and living out of balance. All of which is not living with self love. I can honestly say I'm guilty of every single one of those violent acts upon myself. Most of us are and would rather not face the discomfort of that truth, instead carrying these burdens on shoulders not strong enough to bare the weight.
Back to being truthful. Now that I recognize the need for balance, self love and to let go, I know the easy part is done. To be truthful with myself if one thing, but to be truthful with others can seem like a balancing act all in its own. Sages have said, it is better to remain silent than to speak a harsh or cruel truth, however, silence can be just as harmful as the truth. There is much I haven't been sharing with Nick as far as worry goes because I want to be a pillar of strength for him while he's having to deal with a health issue which has caused major disruptions in "our" plans. Having not shared with him my worry, I have become angry and saddened. How is not talking to my best friend about my fears being truthful? How does a marriage gain strength when there are large gaps missing due to non communication?
Many people have asked me lately how I am doing and I will give you my honest answer now. I'm scared shitless. There is fear of handing my little baby over to have his perfect little face corrected, and then getting him back with something worse. Worry is not trusting, and to some degree I don't trust any doctor to "make things right". I worry about Henry having a reaction to anesthesia and never waking up again. Some may say these concerns may seem silly because "they do surgeries like this all the time" but let me tell you....you'd feel the same way was it your little one going in for such a procedure. Two weeks after Henry has his lip repair, Nick goes in for an ablation. What if they can't do the ablation? Will he be medically discharged? Do we want to stay in Washington if he is? Before I get carried away I'll leave the worries there. I know there is not much for worrying about future outcomes and the most healthy thing to do is live in the moment, but that is a brief an truthful answer to how I'm doing these days.
Speaking the truth is not always easy and sometimes can be uncomfortable. Immersing myself in the study of Satya I have come to accept this as the truth. I will be more welcoming of the growth and weightlessness which comes with speaking my truth and honoring what that looks like.
The first Yama is Ahimsa, or non violence. I actually have taught a class based off such ideals, and I do believe there's an older post about Ahimsa. I read through the chapter on ahimsa and then pondered the questions and exercises that followed. Ahimsa was not a new concept to me so I was eager to move onto the next Yama. Quickly I realized I needed to go back and read it again. I didn't pick up the book to read through it at a rabbits pace. That evening, I filled the tub with nice hot water and sunk down to soak up what I may have missed the first time.
Then came the second chapter; Satya or truthfulness. I can tell you right now, I am still marinating in this chapter. I did read through it twice already. However, it's still sitting in my brain and on my heart like a massive tumor. Why? Because I can't honestly say I've been completely truthful with myself or with those around me lately and it took reading this chapter to help me be truthful with myself about it.
Truthfulness has to come from a place of non violence to be accepted or heard. If it is not from a peaceful place it can be harmful, detrimental and crushing. Physical violence has not been a part of my daily life, but I can not say the same about mental and emotional violence. To understand violence in this manner we will touch on the yama ahimsa. Violence doesn't have to be kicking and screaming. It can mean being worrisome, holding onto that which is not of any use, and living out of balance. All of which is not living with self love. I can honestly say I'm guilty of every single one of those violent acts upon myself. Most of us are and would rather not face the discomfort of that truth, instead carrying these burdens on shoulders not strong enough to bare the weight.
Back to being truthful. Now that I recognize the need for balance, self love and to let go, I know the easy part is done. To be truthful with myself if one thing, but to be truthful with others can seem like a balancing act all in its own. Sages have said, it is better to remain silent than to speak a harsh or cruel truth, however, silence can be just as harmful as the truth. There is much I haven't been sharing with Nick as far as worry goes because I want to be a pillar of strength for him while he's having to deal with a health issue which has caused major disruptions in "our" plans. Having not shared with him my worry, I have become angry and saddened. How is not talking to my best friend about my fears being truthful? How does a marriage gain strength when there are large gaps missing due to non communication?
Many people have asked me lately how I am doing and I will give you my honest answer now. I'm scared shitless. There is fear of handing my little baby over to have his perfect little face corrected, and then getting him back with something worse. Worry is not trusting, and to some degree I don't trust any doctor to "make things right". I worry about Henry having a reaction to anesthesia and never waking up again. Some may say these concerns may seem silly because "they do surgeries like this all the time" but let me tell you....you'd feel the same way was it your little one going in for such a procedure. Two weeks after Henry has his lip repair, Nick goes in for an ablation. What if they can't do the ablation? Will he be medically discharged? Do we want to stay in Washington if he is? Before I get carried away I'll leave the worries there. I know there is not much for worrying about future outcomes and the most healthy thing to do is live in the moment, but that is a brief an truthful answer to how I'm doing these days.
Speaking the truth is not always easy and sometimes can be uncomfortable. Immersing myself in the study of Satya I have come to accept this as the truth. I will be more welcoming of the growth and weightlessness which comes with speaking my truth and honoring what that looks like.
Friday, September 26, 2014
Charlotte
Have you ever taken the time to really watch a spider make it's web?
We had a spider right outside our kitchen window and it was inevitably reconstructing it's web every day.....EVERY day. I don't understand why, at the same time every morning it was busy making a new web, but it was. One morning I was doing the dishes from the night before and realized "she" was hard at work. I literally stopped what I was doing and watched her continue around her web a few times. The web was by no means a small web. It took up the whole side of the window. Around and around she went. Slowly allowing her web to come out of her small body, and then use one of her legs to attach the delicate web exactly where she wanted it. I was astounded. I couldn't stop thinking about how hard she was working and how quickly her work could be destroyed. Not only was she building her home, she was producing the material it was constructed of.
I can't say I've ever done that myself.
I do know it takes a lot of work to make a place a home and to have everything exactly in it's rightful place. As the years have gone by Nick and I have had to move a few times. During the moving process we have acquired different things and we have also lost some. Though possessions come and go, the feeling of "home" has to be created. When we first arrived in Bremerton, our house did not feel like home at all. It was a shell with all our possessions inside. Nick and I seriously loathed going back to that place when we left for the store or when to visit someone. I am happy to say we've found a house that feels more like home. I say more like home because the house on Belvedere Drive was home. We have had many a conversation about what made it home and we can't quite put our finger on it. Maybe it was that it was our home because we "owned" it, or maybe it was because it was the place where so much of our foundation was established. Whatever it was, we will find it again.
There has been much conversation in our lives now about moving. So much is in the air and it's hard to even start to think about home. We have to make some choices about the places we think we'd like to go and the places we don't think we'd like to go. My heart is calling me back to the east coast, as is Nick's. We just have to roll the dice and see where the journey takes us. We've tossed around the idea of buying a house if we are stationed in Seattle again. It's not like we want to end up here in the end (maybe we do and we don't know it yet) but there is something special about buying a house. There's always the option to buy where we move to, but we may not be as lucky as when we were in Rochester and end up liking the place. At least here we know we don't HATE it.
Charlotte is a topic of discussion for Kailey and I every morning. We haven't seen her in a few days, which makes me sad, but her friend Philip is in the front window now and we watch him all the time (he also has been reconstructing webs now and again). He's really great at catching all the bugs. If only Kailey knew how special these moments are to me and how much she makes my world a home; a warm place filled with laughter and love. I'm glad I get to take her with me when we move!
We had a spider right outside our kitchen window and it was inevitably reconstructing it's web every day.....EVERY day. I don't understand why, at the same time every morning it was busy making a new web, but it was. One morning I was doing the dishes from the night before and realized "she" was hard at work. I literally stopped what I was doing and watched her continue around her web a few times. The web was by no means a small web. It took up the whole side of the window. Around and around she went. Slowly allowing her web to come out of her small body, and then use one of her legs to attach the delicate web exactly where she wanted it. I was astounded. I couldn't stop thinking about how hard she was working and how quickly her work could be destroyed. Not only was she building her home, she was producing the material it was constructed of.
I can't say I've ever done that myself.
I do know it takes a lot of work to make a place a home and to have everything exactly in it's rightful place. As the years have gone by Nick and I have had to move a few times. During the moving process we have acquired different things and we have also lost some. Though possessions come and go, the feeling of "home" has to be created. When we first arrived in Bremerton, our house did not feel like home at all. It was a shell with all our possessions inside. Nick and I seriously loathed going back to that place when we left for the store or when to visit someone. I am happy to say we've found a house that feels more like home. I say more like home because the house on Belvedere Drive was home. We have had many a conversation about what made it home and we can't quite put our finger on it. Maybe it was that it was our home because we "owned" it, or maybe it was because it was the place where so much of our foundation was established. Whatever it was, we will find it again.
There has been much conversation in our lives now about moving. So much is in the air and it's hard to even start to think about home. We have to make some choices about the places we think we'd like to go and the places we don't think we'd like to go. My heart is calling me back to the east coast, as is Nick's. We just have to roll the dice and see where the journey takes us. We've tossed around the idea of buying a house if we are stationed in Seattle again. It's not like we want to end up here in the end (maybe we do and we don't know it yet) but there is something special about buying a house. There's always the option to buy where we move to, but we may not be as lucky as when we were in Rochester and end up liking the place. At least here we know we don't HATE it.
Charlotte is a topic of discussion for Kailey and I every morning. We haven't seen her in a few days, which makes me sad, but her friend Philip is in the front window now and we watch him all the time (he also has been reconstructing webs now and again). He's really great at catching all the bugs. If only Kailey knew how special these moments are to me and how much she makes my world a home; a warm place filled with laughter and love. I'm glad I get to take her with me when we move!
Monday, September 15, 2014
Happy Happy Joy Joy
"Don't ask yourself what the world needs; ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."
Harold Whitman
Lately I have been reading a lot of different books. It seems like every book I chose to read had a similar idea or goal; happiness. What is happiness? There are many different definitions, and many different paths to supposedly get there. I say get there because to me, happiness is a place. Not a physical place you can drive or travel to, but a place inside of me. I don't think I ever really thought of it like that until just now. Everyone has their "happy" place to tap into when things are getting rough. I think sometimes we forget how to get there when things aren't tough, we just wait for happiness to happen to us. Happiness is not something which can be purchased. Items which are purchased bring temporary happiness but in the end, it's all just stuff. Lately, less stuff makes me more happy. I can't stop going through our house and thinking to myself, "Do we really need that? Have we used that in a while?" Then I find myself donating things or passing them on to someone who may need it more than me or who could get more use out of it that I would. Having less clutter in my physical world somehow made my internal world feel better. Part of me believes I am aware of how chaotic my life is right now and my thoughts are going 90 miles an hour trying to figure things out and when our home and space is cluttered and messy, my head feels more messy.
Being an adult sometimes seems like more trouble than what we envision it as a child. We always wanted to be older so we could do the fun stuff. Having children has reminded me how much of my spunk, fun and happiness for the moment was depleted. A child may be playing with their favorite toy and have their whole world torn apart because they are asked to do something else. They are so in the moment. There is nothing else; pure happiness. It's not a choice for them, it just is. For me, happiness is a choice. Anger is a choice. Love is a choice. Often I have to remind myself that.
Somehow this post feels a bit off track, so let's get back to the quote. What makes me alive? The things I do that make me happy make me alive. For too long I have deprived myself of some of those things because I don't have time or because I feel selfish taking time to myself. The reasons are endless. But when I really sit down and think about it, I have to chose to make time for the things that light me up and fill up my tank. When I don't, I tend to get irritable and frustrated which makes for a no fun Mama or wife. When I start feeling like no fun or am getting frustrated often I get hard on myself and it feels like a whirlwind of unhappiness.
Knowing how crazy things are, I am making sure to find time to be happy. I'm finding time to be myself and do the things I want to do; the things that fill up my tank.
Knowing how crazy things are, I am making sure to find time to be happy. I'm finding time to be myself and do the things I want to do; the things that fill up my tank.
I am coming alive, watch me soar.
Wednesday, September 3, 2014
Crazy, Chaotic, Beautiful Mess
There has been a lot going on in the Narruhn world lately. Two weeks after Henry was born, Nick started to have chest pain that kept getting more intense every time he would run. He didn't say anything about it the first time it happened, but certainly did the second or third time it happened, when he landed himself in the emergency room. Nick has a medical condition known as Wolff Parkinson White Syndrome. We've known about since 2008, but it has caused no issues until recently. This condition means Nick has an extra electrical pathway in his heart. The pathway laid dormant and the energy was not going through it. Suddenly the energy started to go through that pathway causing tachycardia (rapid heartbeat....200+ per minute to be exact). Luckily this condition is fixable, and the surgery is not that complicated....in most cases. However, Nick's accessory pathway is close to his AV node (what makes the heart beat) and if they go in and use radio frequency to burn it off (called an ablation) they could damage the AV node. That means Nick would have to have a pacemaker installed. The man is going to outlive me, I know it ;) While learning all of this we were been waiting for the MD's to decide if they were going to fly us down to San Diego to have the procedure done (there's no military MD around here who performs that procedure) or refer us out to a civilian doctor near home. They have finally gotten all their ducks in a row and Nick will be seeing a new cardiologist tomorrow, and hopefully be scheduling the procedure.
To make things more complicated, we have to have a procedure done for Brother Bear (Henry). We originally went to see the "team" last month, but were not able to meet with the plastic surgeon. The surgeon at Madigan is moving and would not be there when Henry would be having surgery so they suggested we wait for a referral for the surgeon that would be taking care of us so we didn't have to meet with two different guys. One would think it was a wise decision and helpful for us, but it has almost been a pain in the bum. We finally got a call that the referral went through. I called the "appointment" line for Tricare to set up the consult, no luck, the clinic is supposed to contact us to make the appointment. So, like any good Mama, I called the clinic to get the ball rolling. That was at the beginning of August and no one has called me back. I called the appointment line again and they said they would put in a message for the clinic to call me back in one business day....no good, still haven't heard a word from them. I called them today and left a message. If I don't hear from them I will call the patient representative and let them handle it all. I guess in a way this is a blessing because we are able to handle Nick's health concerns first and not have to try and schedule Henry and Nick around each other. Blessing or not, the waiting is killing me. I'd just like to have every thing scheduled and taken care of. Answers seem to help.
Kailey started preschool this week which is exciting. The school has been all over the place and not very organized. Without going into details and complaining about everything, I'll just say it's frustrating and I'm hoping it is not foreshadowing of how the year will go there.
We also got a call two weeks ago to confirm we will be moving in May of 2015. We had a feeling it was coming, and now we know for sure. We are both excited, and nervous. Though we have loved being here, it has been the most challenging period of our lives together so far. There are many dynamics that have played a part in that and we've sorted through most of them together. We have grown and learned so much here, about family, ourselves and communication.
I'm being challenged to learn and grow more these last few weeks and for that I am thankful. Everything has a silver lining. Everyday is a gift. All I can do is be conscious of the goings on in my life and be thankful I have an amazing little family. We will rock these next few months like there's no tomorrow!
To make things more complicated, we have to have a procedure done for Brother Bear (Henry). We originally went to see the "team" last month, but were not able to meet with the plastic surgeon. The surgeon at Madigan is moving and would not be there when Henry would be having surgery so they suggested we wait for a referral for the surgeon that would be taking care of us so we didn't have to meet with two different guys. One would think it was a wise decision and helpful for us, but it has almost been a pain in the bum. We finally got a call that the referral went through. I called the "appointment" line for Tricare to set up the consult, no luck, the clinic is supposed to contact us to make the appointment. So, like any good Mama, I called the clinic to get the ball rolling. That was at the beginning of August and no one has called me back. I called the appointment line again and they said they would put in a message for the clinic to call me back in one business day....no good, still haven't heard a word from them. I called them today and left a message. If I don't hear from them I will call the patient representative and let them handle it all. I guess in a way this is a blessing because we are able to handle Nick's health concerns first and not have to try and schedule Henry and Nick around each other. Blessing or not, the waiting is killing me. I'd just like to have every thing scheduled and taken care of. Answers seem to help.
Kailey started preschool this week which is exciting. The school has been all over the place and not very organized. Without going into details and complaining about everything, I'll just say it's frustrating and I'm hoping it is not foreshadowing of how the year will go there.
We also got a call two weeks ago to confirm we will be moving in May of 2015. We had a feeling it was coming, and now we know for sure. We are both excited, and nervous. Though we have loved being here, it has been the most challenging period of our lives together so far. There are many dynamics that have played a part in that and we've sorted through most of them together. We have grown and learned so much here, about family, ourselves and communication.
I'm being challenged to learn and grow more these last few weeks and for that I am thankful. Everything has a silver lining. Everyday is a gift. All I can do is be conscious of the goings on in my life and be thankful I have an amazing little family. We will rock these next few months like there's no tomorrow!
Monday, August 11, 2014
27 Weeks
I had my 27 week check up with the OBGYN right after Easter. We'd spent the weekend at Nick's parents house and I had slipped down the bottom two stairs. Mind you, I knew I was OK, but my MD wanted to do an ultrasound just to make sure everything was OK. She did one almost every visit actually, which was awesome...but maybe not needed. Anyways, she sticks the thing on my belly and sees the baby. He was moving around, a lot, and his heart was beating. She was taking her time with it all, but as I was looking at the screen, something didn't look right to me. I calmly asked her if our baby had a cleft lip. Now, I'm not an ultrasound tech, but I knew something was off, and she was kind of hesitating to say anything and was hovering over the face. Back up a few weeks to our 20 week ultrasound.
While Nick and I were there, the tech couldn't get a glimpse of Henry's face. He was laying with his face towards the ceiling and head down. He also kept his hands near his face. She left the room so the MD could read her images and then came back in and asked that I get back on the table because the MD wasn't happy with the face images. Again, she couldn't get a look at his face. After he was born we realized he really loves to suck on his hands all the time....which is why they were always in the way when we wanted to see his face.
Forward to 27 weeks. The doctor answered my question with, "That's what I was concerned about." She printed off a few of the images and then went in to ask one of the specialist doctors that just happened to be in that day. He came in and tried to get a look at Henry because he didn't like the quality of the image she'd printed. Of course, Henry then decided to put his hands to his face again....no good look at his lip. They both left the room and reviewed my 20 week images. My doctor came in and assured me all was well and not to worry.
I knew. I knew in my heart that all was not "normal". I'd already been dreaming I wasn't able to breastfeed. Those dreams left me heartbroken and worried and then to find out our baby possibly had a cleft lip, maybe a cleft palate too....my dreams were manifesting. Of course, when I left the doctors office, I did what anyone would do when faced with news like I'd gotten (after I'd called my husband and my mom of course)....googled cleft lip/palate. I realized there was no way to know if it was something I had done, in fact, the things that cause it, I know I hadn't done....but was it genetic? It's highly possible it is. There are missing facts on both sides of our families...things we will never know. I also googled ultrasound pictures of babies with cleft lips. I knew what I'd seen looked just like some of the ones people had shared. Anyways, I was already devastated to hear my baby wouldn't be "perfect', and then to see pictures of babies born with cleft palates and lips...it was intense to say the least. I knew however, I had to look at the pictures, to be ready for what we could be faced with in the delivery room. I also found some peace in reading blogs of mothers and families who'd been through the same thing....some of them not even having any warning at all, but finding out the day of their child's birth. I was grateful to have the time to research and learn the path we were possibly about to be going down.
The morning Henry was born was amazing. Nicholas and I got up early and started heading to the hospital. We had to be there at 6AM so the sun was starting to come out. The clouds were over head, but the sunbeams were piercing there way through, as if to give us peace. In all honesty I wasn't even worried about the cleft business anymore. Since I wasn't sure if the baby would or wouldn't have it (according to the doctors, even though my heart told me it were true), I decided not to worry. There was nothing I could do about it anyways. The peace we would need was to calm our nerves about how our lives were about to change. Two children is exciting and also terrifying! We got to the hospital and things were chaotic. No one was really sure what time I was supposed to start my C-section and the doctor wasn't in yet. Nick and I kept thinking, "Come on people, there's an empty stomach here!" Haha. Finally we went into the operating room. I'd warned the anesthesiologist I was sensitive to the meds and had thrown up when I had Kailey. Needless to say, he eventually told me, after I almost went to sleep, and also threw up twice, "You were right. You are super sensitive!" Duh!!!
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I feel like I was laying on that table forever before Henry was born. I may have just forgotten details from Kailey's birth, but I don't recall it taking so long, especially when they were stitching me up! I was laying there and they were pushing him out and then all of a sudden, the anesthesiologist says in the calmest voice I'd ever heard, "You have a son." Later, Nick and I would talk about how odd that was. Nick says it didn't even register that we had a boy for a few seconds because he was expecting the doctor to announce it. Then they held Henry up over the top of the sheet and we both got our first glimpse of him. Nick and I were in complete awe from the second we laid eyes on him. I remember looking at Nick after they took him to be cleaned up and Nick said, "He's absolutely perfect", to which I agreed. I saw he had a cleft lip, but I didn't care. I knew it could be "fixed" later (I hate that we call it fixing his lip...I hate "fixing" people...the more proper term is repaired). Then they took Henry out of the operating room and I remember the doctor asking me, "Did you see him?" with a look on her face asking me if I knew about his lip. I told her yes. It was later confirmed he had a cleft lip, but his palate was completely in tact. Hallelujah! One less thing to worry about, and less surgeries for the poor guy to go through.
Before Henry was born there were so many questions I had. Would people stare at him? Would I have to explain to Kailey he was born with a defect? Would I be afraid to take him into public? Would I have to explain cleft lip to everyone? Here's what I've learned, so far. People don't stare. In fact, no one says anything about the huge elephant in the room. They just look at him and talk to him as if his lip was in tact. So many strangers have commented on how cute he is. It was hard for me to take them seriously at first. Not because I don't believe it, because I do, but because no one mentioned his defect at all....like nothing is wrong. Nothing is "wrong" though. Why couldn't I just take their word that they thought he was cute and stop thinking they were secretly thinking about his cleft or thinking, "Oh, that poor baby?" I didn't ever have to explain anything to Kailey, she's never once questioned it at all. She loves him so much and it's as if everything is perfect the way it is. And it is. I hate to have to explain to her in a few months we are taking him to have his lip "fixed". I haven't once been scared to take Henry out into the public, or to show him off. He's absolutely perfect. In fact, I know I will be a little bit sad when he does have surgery because I've always loved his little crooked nose and I hardly even notice the split in his lip.
Things come up in our lives we don't expect, that seem so huge it's almost impossible to bare. Let me tell you, in the grand scheme of things, we can bare anything we want. We can grow and learn and be filled
with love if we choose. I didn't have to think about loving Henry, it happened the second we found out we were having a baby....and didn't change because of an imperfection in appearance. I know he has been placed in our family especially for us. We are blessed to have him and thankful for his health (thankful he's breastfeeding too, like a boss...little chunky monkey!). Though it will be rough to watch him go through having his lip repaired, we will do it with joy and love.We will grow as a family and continue to take whatever is thrown our way.
I know some of this post sounds worried, unsure or what have you. I can't really express my true feelings in words at the moment and hope I don't come off as shallow or unfeeling about any of this. These are the workings of my brain and heart and I'm taking things one day at a time. I've been pondering this post for a long time.....5 weeks to be exact. All I know and can express freely is that I am one proud and happy Mama and wife. I have two wonderful children that have filled my heart with love and warmth I couldn't have ever asked for.
I am blessed.
While Nick and I were there, the tech couldn't get a glimpse of Henry's face. He was laying with his face towards the ceiling and head down. He also kept his hands near his face. She left the room so the MD could read her images and then came back in and asked that I get back on the table because the MD wasn't happy with the face images. Again, she couldn't get a look at his face. After he was born we realized he really loves to suck on his hands all the time....which is why they were always in the way when we wanted to see his face.
Forward to 27 weeks. The doctor answered my question with, "That's what I was concerned about." She printed off a few of the images and then went in to ask one of the specialist doctors that just happened to be in that day. He came in and tried to get a look at Henry because he didn't like the quality of the image she'd printed. Of course, Henry then decided to put his hands to his face again....no good look at his lip. They both left the room and reviewed my 20 week images. My doctor came in and assured me all was well and not to worry.
I knew. I knew in my heart that all was not "normal". I'd already been dreaming I wasn't able to breastfeed. Those dreams left me heartbroken and worried and then to find out our baby possibly had a cleft lip, maybe a cleft palate too....my dreams were manifesting. Of course, when I left the doctors office, I did what anyone would do when faced with news like I'd gotten (after I'd called my husband and my mom of course)....googled cleft lip/palate. I realized there was no way to know if it was something I had done, in fact, the things that cause it, I know I hadn't done....but was it genetic? It's highly possible it is. There are missing facts on both sides of our families...things we will never know. I also googled ultrasound pictures of babies with cleft lips. I knew what I'd seen looked just like some of the ones people had shared. Anyways, I was already devastated to hear my baby wouldn't be "perfect', and then to see pictures of babies born with cleft palates and lips...it was intense to say the least. I knew however, I had to look at the pictures, to be ready for what we could be faced with in the delivery room. I also found some peace in reading blogs of mothers and families who'd been through the same thing....some of them not even having any warning at all, but finding out the day of their child's birth. I was grateful to have the time to research and learn the path we were possibly about to be going down.
The morning Henry was born was amazing. Nicholas and I got up early and started heading to the hospital. We had to be there at 6AM so the sun was starting to come out. The clouds were over head, but the sunbeams were piercing there way through, as if to give us peace. In all honesty I wasn't even worried about the cleft business anymore. Since I wasn't sure if the baby would or wouldn't have it (according to the doctors, even though my heart told me it were true), I decided not to worry. There was nothing I could do about it anyways. The peace we would need was to calm our nerves about how our lives were about to change. Two children is exciting and also terrifying! We got to the hospital and things were chaotic. No one was really sure what time I was supposed to start my C-section and the doctor wasn't in yet. Nick and I kept thinking, "Come on people, there's an empty stomach here!" Haha. Finally we went into the operating room. I'd warned the anesthesiologist I was sensitive to the meds and had thrown up when I had Kailey. Needless to say, he eventually told me, after I almost went to sleep, and also threw up twice, "You were right. You are super sensitive!" Duh!!!
Things come up in our lives we don't expect, that seem so huge it's almost impossible to bare. Let me tell you, in the grand scheme of things, we can bare anything we want. We can grow and learn and be filled
with love if we choose. I didn't have to think about loving Henry, it happened the second we found out we were having a baby....and didn't change because of an imperfection in appearance. I know he has been placed in our family especially for us. We are blessed to have him and thankful for his health (thankful he's breastfeeding too, like a boss...little chunky monkey!). Though it will be rough to watch him go through having his lip repaired, we will do it with joy and love.We will grow as a family and continue to take whatever is thrown our way.I know some of this post sounds worried, unsure or what have you. I can't really express my true feelings in words at the moment and hope I don't come off as shallow or unfeeling about any of this. These are the workings of my brain and heart and I'm taking things one day at a time. I've been pondering this post for a long time.....5 weeks to be exact. All I know and can express freely is that I am one proud and happy Mama and wife. I have two wonderful children that have filled my heart with love and warmth I couldn't have ever asked for.
I am blessed.
Friday, January 24, 2014
A sort of haiku from my morning meditation
My mind like a bowl
Of goldfish swimming circles.
Round and round they go.
A need for calm space
A need for calm space
To settle whirl pooling thoughts,
And find peace within.
I am not myself,
Floating along this fishbowl.
But, as ash settles
So will I.
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