Happy Happy Joy Joy

"Don't ask yourself what the world needs; ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."

Harold Whitman

Lately I have been reading a lot of different books. It seems like every book I chose to read had a similar idea or goal; happiness. What is happiness? There are many different definitions, and many different paths to supposedly get there. I say get there because to me, happiness is a place. Not a physical place you can drive or travel to, but a place inside of me. I don't think I ever really thought of it like that until just now. Everyone has their "happy" place to tap into when things are getting rough. I think sometimes we forget how to get there when things aren't tough, we just wait for happiness to happen to us. Happiness is not something which can be purchased. Items which are purchased bring temporary happiness but in the end, it's all just stuff. Lately, less stuff makes me more happy. I can't stop going through our house and thinking to myself, "Do we really need that? Have we used that in a while?" Then I find myself donating things or passing them on to someone who may need it more than me or who could get more use out of it that I would. Having less clutter in my physical world somehow made my internal world feel better. Part of me believes I am aware of how chaotic my life is right now and my thoughts are going 90 miles an hour trying to figure things out and when our home and space is cluttered and messy, my head feels more messy. 

Being an adult sometimes seems like more trouble than what we envision it as a child. We always wanted to be older so we could do the fun stuff. Having children has reminded me how much of my spunk, fun and happiness for the moment was depleted. A child may be playing with their favorite toy and have their whole world torn apart because they are asked to do something else. They are so in the moment. There is nothing else; pure happiness. It's not a choice for them, it just is. For me, happiness is a choice. Anger is a choice. Love is a choice. Often I have to remind myself that. 

Somehow this post feels a bit off track, so let's get back to the quote. What makes me alive? The things I do that make me happy make me alive. For too long I have deprived myself of some of those things because I don't have time or because I feel selfish taking time to myself. The reasons are endless. But when I really sit down and think about it, I have to chose to make time for the things that light me up and fill up my tank. When I don't, I tend to get irritable and frustrated which makes for a no fun Mama or wife. When I start feeling like no fun or am getting frustrated often I get hard on myself and it feels like a whirlwind of unhappiness.

Knowing how crazy things are, I am making sure to find time to be happy. I'm finding time to be myself and do the things I want to do; the things that fill up my tank.

I am coming alive, watch me soar.

27 Weeks

I had my 27 week check up with the OBGYN right after Easter. We'd spent the weekend at Nick's parents house and I had slipped down the bottom two stairs. Mind you, I knew I was OK, but my MD wanted to do an ultrasound just to make sure everything was OK. She did one almost every visit actually, which was awesome...but maybe not needed. Anyways, she sticks the thing on my belly and sees the baby. He was moving around, a lot, and his heart was beating. She was taking her time with it all, but as I was looking at the screen, something didn't look right to me. I calmly asked her if our baby had a cleft lip. Now, I'm not an ultrasound tech, but I knew something was off, and she was kind of hesitating to say anything and was hovering over the face. Back up a few weeks to our 20  week ultrasound.

While Nick and I were there, the tech couldn't get a glimpse of Henry's face. He was laying with his face towards the ceiling and head down. He also kept his hands near his face. She left the room so the MD could read her images and then came back in and asked that I get back on the table because the MD wasn't happy with the face images. Again, she couldn't get a look at his face. After he was born we realized he really loves to suck on his hands all the time....which is why they were always in the way when we wanted to see his face.

Forward to 27 weeks. The doctor answered my question with, "That's what I was concerned about." She printed off a few of the images and then went in to ask one of the specialist doctors that just happened to be in that day. He came in and tried to get a look at Henry because he didn't like the quality of the image she'd printed. Of course, Henry then decided to put his hands to his face again....no good look at his lip. They both left the room and reviewed my 20 week images. My doctor came in and assured me all was well and not to worry.

I knew. I knew in my heart that all was not "normal". I'd already been dreaming I wasn't able to breastfeed. Those dreams left me heartbroken and worried and then to find out our baby possibly had a cleft lip, maybe a cleft palate too....my dreams were manifesting. Of course, when I left the doctors office, I did what anyone would do when faced with news like I'd gotten (after I'd called my husband and my mom of course)....googled cleft lip/palate. I realized there was no way to know if it was something I had done, in fact, the things that cause it, I know I hadn't done....but was it genetic? It's highly possible it is. There are missing facts on both sides of our families...things we will never know. I also googled ultrasound pictures of babies with cleft lips. I knew what I'd seen looked just like some of the ones people had shared. Anyways, I was already devastated to hear my baby wouldn't be "perfect', and then to see pictures of babies born with cleft palates and lips...it was intense to say the least. I knew however, I had to look at the pictures, to be ready for what we could be faced with in the delivery room. I also found some peace in reading blogs of mothers and families who'd been through the same thing....some of them not even having any warning at all, but finding out the day of their child's birth. I was grateful to have the time to research and learn the path we were possibly about to be going down.

The morning Henry was born was amazing. Nicholas and I got up early and started heading to the hospital. We had to be there at 6AM so the sun was starting to come out. The clouds were over head, but the sunbeams were piercing there way through, as if to give us peace. In all honesty I wasn't even worried about the cleft business anymore. Since I wasn't sure if the baby would or wouldn't have it (according to the doctors, even though my heart told me it were true), I decided not to worry. There was nothing I could do about it anyways. The peace we would need was to calm our nerves about how our lives were about to change. Two children is exciting and also terrifying! We got to the hospital and things were chaotic. No one was really sure what time I was supposed to start my C-section and the doctor wasn't in yet. Nick and I kept thinking, "Come on people, there's an empty stomach here!" Haha. Finally we went into the operating room. I'd warned the anesthesiologist I was sensitive to the meds and had thrown up when I had Kailey. Needless to say, he eventually told me, after I almost went to sleep, and also threw up twice, "You were right. You are super sensitive!" Duh!!!

I feel like I was laying on that table forever before Henry was born. I may have just forgotten details from Kailey's birth, but I don't recall it taking so long, especially when they were stitching me up! I was laying there and they were pushing him out and then all of a sudden, the anesthesiologist says in the calmest voice I'd ever heard, "You have a son." Later, Nick and I would talk about how odd that was. Nick says it didn't even register that we had a boy for a few seconds because he was expecting the doctor to announce it. Then they held Henry up over the top of the sheet and we both got our first glimpse of him. Nick and I were in complete awe from the second we laid eyes on him. I remember looking at Nick after they took him to be cleaned up and Nick said, "He's absolutely perfect", to which I agreed. I saw he had a cleft lip, but I didn't care. I knew it could be "fixed" later (I hate that we call it fixing his lip...I hate "fixing" people...the more proper term is repaired). Then they took Henry out of the operating room and I remember the doctor asking me, "Did you see him?" with a look on her face asking me if I knew about his lip. I told her yes. It was later confirmed he had a cleft lip, but his palate was completely in tact. Hallelujah! One less thing to worry about, and less surgeries for the poor guy to go through.

Before Henry was born there were so many questions I had. Would people stare at him? Would I have to explain to Kailey he was born with a defect? Would I be afraid to take him into public? Would I have to explain cleft lip to everyone? Here's what I've learned, so far. People don't stare. In fact, no one says anything about the huge elephant in the room. They just look at him and talk to him as if his lip was in tact. So many strangers have commented on how cute he is. It was hard for me to take them seriously at first. Not because I don't believe it, because I do, but because no one mentioned his defect at all....like nothing is wrong. Nothing is "wrong" though. Why couldn't I just take their word that they thought he was cute and stop thinking they were secretly thinking about his cleft or thinking, "Oh, that poor baby?" I didn't ever have to explain anything to Kailey, she's never once questioned it at all. She loves him so much and it's as if everything is perfect the way it is. And it is. I hate to have to explain to her in a few months we are taking him to have his lip "fixed". I haven't once been scared to take Henry out into the public, or to show him off. He's absolutely perfect. In fact, I know I will be a little bit sad when he does have surgery because I've always loved his little crooked nose and I hardly even notice the split in his lip.

Things come up in our lives we don't expect, that seem so huge it's almost impossible to bare. Let me tell you, in the grand scheme of things, we can bare anything we want. We can grow and learn and be filled

with love if we choose. I didn't have to think about loving Henry, it happened the second we found out we were having a baby....and didn't change because of an imperfection in appearance. I know he has been placed in our family especially for us. We are blessed to have him and thankful for his health (thankful he's breastfeeding too, like a boss...little chunky monkey!). Though it will be rough to watch him go through having his lip repaired, we will do it with joy and love.We will grow as a family and continue to take whatever is thrown our way.



I know some of this post sounds worried, unsure or what have you. I can't really express my true feelings in words at the moment and hope I don't come off as shallow or unfeeling about any of this. These are the workings of my brain and heart and I'm taking things one day at a time. I've been pondering this post for a long time.....5 weeks to be exact. All I know and can express freely is that I am one proud and happy Mama and wife. I have two wonderful children that have filled my heart with love and warmth I couldn't have ever asked for.

I am blessed.