That silly cliche: All You Need is Love

I was never much of a Beatles fan until about six years ago. There was something about them I wanted to resist. Maybe it was the fact that everyone loved them so much. Then, I really listened to them and realized people liked them for a reason: they're good. (I know Grant, if you're reading this, my cool meter probably fell down a few notches, but at least I like the Beatles....never the Beach Boys).

Of late I have been feeling sort of off. I can't quite put a finger on exactly what's off, but life just is. If I really sit back and look at the things I've had go on in the last 5 months there's a lot piled up. I gave birth to a child, of which had to have a major surgery. My husband had to have a procedure done on his heart that seemed more scary than it really was because they didn't have all the facts completely correct. My family is also coming to grips with the idea of moving in a couple short months.

My plate has been nothing but full.

Through lack of sleep and frustration I have tried to maintain for myself the most composed state I can muster. This hasn't always been easy. I have been short with my children, my husband, not been a very attentive listener, and depressed.

Last night I arrived home from work and nothing was different than any other day. The kiddos were in bed and Nicholas was watching something on the tube. We heard Kailey upstairs. Nick went up to make sure all was well (if you saw the barricade we made in front of her closet to keep her from playing at bed and nap time you'd understand our worry). Nick came down and told me she would like me to give her a goodnight kiss and he left her door ajar. I went upstairs and slipped into her room. She saw me coming. I could feel her warmth inviting me to kneel down for a hug. Once I found myself hunched over, her arms shot out and around my neck with the tightest little squeeze I've had in a long time. I gave her a "true loves kiss" and told her good night. She whispered she loved me and we wished each other sweet dreams.

She will never know how much that hug meant to me. She will never understand that her unconditional love and quick forgiveness teaches me to be a better woman, wife and mother everyday. What I am coming to realize is it's easier to love others and not always easy to love myself. Trouble is, I can't really love someone more than I love myself in some cases. (That's a whole other blog post in itself).

One of the tools I am progressively trying to master is tapping into love at all times. In times of anger, sadness, kindness, depression, happiness, and frustration. A day filled with woe can be a day filled with love, if only I allow it.

Time to turn the off of life back on.

27 Weeks

I had my 27 week check up with the OBGYN right after Easter. We'd spent the weekend at Nick's parents house and I had slipped down the bottom two stairs. Mind you, I knew I was OK, but my MD wanted to do an ultrasound just to make sure everything was OK. She did one almost every visit actually, which was awesome...but maybe not needed. Anyways, she sticks the thing on my belly and sees the baby. He was moving around, a lot, and his heart was beating. She was taking her time with it all, but as I was looking at the screen, something didn't look right to me. I calmly asked her if our baby had a cleft lip. Now, I'm not an ultrasound tech, but I knew something was off, and she was kind of hesitating to say anything and was hovering over the face. Back up a few weeks to our 20  week ultrasound.

While Nick and I were there, the tech couldn't get a glimpse of Henry's face. He was laying with his face towards the ceiling and head down. He also kept his hands near his face. She left the room so the MD could read her images and then came back in and asked that I get back on the table because the MD wasn't happy with the face images. Again, she couldn't get a look at his face. After he was born we realized he really loves to suck on his hands all the time....which is why they were always in the way when we wanted to see his face.

Forward to 27 weeks. The doctor answered my question with, "That's what I was concerned about." She printed off a few of the images and then went in to ask one of the specialist doctors that just happened to be in that day. He came in and tried to get a look at Henry because he didn't like the quality of the image she'd printed. Of course, Henry then decided to put his hands to his face again....no good look at his lip. They both left the room and reviewed my 20 week images. My doctor came in and assured me all was well and not to worry.

I knew. I knew in my heart that all was not "normal". I'd already been dreaming I wasn't able to breastfeed. Those dreams left me heartbroken and worried and then to find out our baby possibly had a cleft lip, maybe a cleft palate too....my dreams were manifesting. Of course, when I left the doctors office, I did what anyone would do when faced with news like I'd gotten (after I'd called my husband and my mom of course)....googled cleft lip/palate. I realized there was no way to know if it was something I had done, in fact, the things that cause it, I know I hadn't done....but was it genetic? It's highly possible it is. There are missing facts on both sides of our families...things we will never know. I also googled ultrasound pictures of babies with cleft lips. I knew what I'd seen looked just like some of the ones people had shared. Anyways, I was already devastated to hear my baby wouldn't be "perfect', and then to see pictures of babies born with cleft palates and lips...it was intense to say the least. I knew however, I had to look at the pictures, to be ready for what we could be faced with in the delivery room. I also found some peace in reading blogs of mothers and families who'd been through the same thing....some of them not even having any warning at all, but finding out the day of their child's birth. I was grateful to have the time to research and learn the path we were possibly about to be going down.

The morning Henry was born was amazing. Nicholas and I got up early and started heading to the hospital. We had to be there at 6AM so the sun was starting to come out. The clouds were over head, but the sunbeams were piercing there way through, as if to give us peace. In all honesty I wasn't even worried about the cleft business anymore. Since I wasn't sure if the baby would or wouldn't have it (according to the doctors, even though my heart told me it were true), I decided not to worry. There was nothing I could do about it anyways. The peace we would need was to calm our nerves about how our lives were about to change. Two children is exciting and also terrifying! We got to the hospital and things were chaotic. No one was really sure what time I was supposed to start my C-section and the doctor wasn't in yet. Nick and I kept thinking, "Come on people, there's an empty stomach here!" Haha. Finally we went into the operating room. I'd warned the anesthesiologist I was sensitive to the meds and had thrown up when I had Kailey. Needless to say, he eventually told me, after I almost went to sleep, and also threw up twice, "You were right. You are super sensitive!" Duh!!!

I feel like I was laying on that table forever before Henry was born. I may have just forgotten details from Kailey's birth, but I don't recall it taking so long, especially when they were stitching me up! I was laying there and they were pushing him out and then all of a sudden, the anesthesiologist says in the calmest voice I'd ever heard, "You have a son." Later, Nick and I would talk about how odd that was. Nick says it didn't even register that we had a boy for a few seconds because he was expecting the doctor to announce it. Then they held Henry up over the top of the sheet and we both got our first glimpse of him. Nick and I were in complete awe from the second we laid eyes on him. I remember looking at Nick after they took him to be cleaned up and Nick said, "He's absolutely perfect", to which I agreed. I saw he had a cleft lip, but I didn't care. I knew it could be "fixed" later (I hate that we call it fixing his lip...I hate "fixing" people...the more proper term is repaired). Then they took Henry out of the operating room and I remember the doctor asking me, "Did you see him?" with a look on her face asking me if I knew about his lip. I told her yes. It was later confirmed he had a cleft lip, but his palate was completely in tact. Hallelujah! One less thing to worry about, and less surgeries for the poor guy to go through.

Before Henry was born there were so many questions I had. Would people stare at him? Would I have to explain to Kailey he was born with a defect? Would I be afraid to take him into public? Would I have to explain cleft lip to everyone? Here's what I've learned, so far. People don't stare. In fact, no one says anything about the huge elephant in the room. They just look at him and talk to him as if his lip was in tact. So many strangers have commented on how cute he is. It was hard for me to take them seriously at first. Not because I don't believe it, because I do, but because no one mentioned his defect at all....like nothing is wrong. Nothing is "wrong" though. Why couldn't I just take their word that they thought he was cute and stop thinking they were secretly thinking about his cleft or thinking, "Oh, that poor baby?" I didn't ever have to explain anything to Kailey, she's never once questioned it at all. She loves him so much and it's as if everything is perfect the way it is. And it is. I hate to have to explain to her in a few months we are taking him to have his lip "fixed". I haven't once been scared to take Henry out into the public, or to show him off. He's absolutely perfect. In fact, I know I will be a little bit sad when he does have surgery because I've always loved his little crooked nose and I hardly even notice the split in his lip.

Things come up in our lives we don't expect, that seem so huge it's almost impossible to bare. Let me tell you, in the grand scheme of things, we can bare anything we want. We can grow and learn and be filled

with love if we choose. I didn't have to think about loving Henry, it happened the second we found out we were having a baby....and didn't change because of an imperfection in appearance. I know he has been placed in our family especially for us. We are blessed to have him and thankful for his health (thankful he's breastfeeding too, like a boss...little chunky monkey!). Though it will be rough to watch him go through having his lip repaired, we will do it with joy and love.We will grow as a family and continue to take whatever is thrown our way.



I know some of this post sounds worried, unsure or what have you. I can't really express my true feelings in words at the moment and hope I don't come off as shallow or unfeeling about any of this. These are the workings of my brain and heart and I'm taking things one day at a time. I've been pondering this post for a long time.....5 weeks to be exact. All I know and can express freely is that I am one proud and happy Mama and wife. I have two wonderful children that have filled my heart with love and warmth I couldn't have ever asked for.

I am blessed.

Hard times, cherished lessons: Here's to learning, growing, loving and living.

It seems as if I've taken quite the hiatus from writing. I'm really hoping to pick it back up since school finished two weeks ago. I can't believe it's been an entire year of education already. Honestly I don't think anything else can stick in this brain of mine.

A lot has happened in the last few months, this last month especially. Back at the beginning of August Nick and I found out we were going to be parents again. It was not planned, however it was not prevented, if you know what I mean. There was a bit of hesitation on my part to be excited but mostly for selfish reasons. I knew I had a bachelorette party to go to and a wedding shortly after, of which I was in. How in the hell was I supposed to fit in the size 12 dress I'd already purchased if I was 11 weeks pregnant? Turns out I would fit in the dress and I wouldn't be pregnant after all.

Nick and I were scheduled to go in for our 10-12 week checkup and ultrasound the day  before the wedding. The whole week before I felt like something was off. I think I knew in my heart of hearts things were not going well in the baby growing department. I think Nick can confirm this because I'd been really snippy for about two weeks with no explanations as to why. He gently said the other night the he believed I knew something was wrong in my subconscious. Anyhow, we went to the ER Wednesday night and they did blood work and an pelvic exam, both of which confirmed a pregnancy. Then they carted us off to have an ultrasound to make sure the baby wasn't growing in my fallopian tube, which would cause the bleeding I was experiencing. Let me just say, there is some sort of excitement that comes along with seeing the ultrasound screen. Nick and I were a bit reserved, but we will both tell you we were excited. It wasn't until we saw Kailey on the screen during my first pregnancy that it became "real" that we were having a baby. Anyhow, they started the ultrasound and  all I was seeing was the sac on the screen. My heart started to sink, but I knew I wasn't an ultrasound tech and maybe I had no idea what I was looking at. Then the man said the sac was measuring at 6 weeks 4 days and asked if I was completely sure about my dates.

Leaving the ER that night was a very emotional roller coaster for the both of us. I thought I would be ok getting the bad news because I'd already had a suspicion something wasn't right, but I was wrong. I was devastated. I just kept thinking that I couldn't believe the timing. Nick and I both agreed we were thankful to get the news before our regular check up, especially considering it was the day before the wedding we were both in.

Two days later we went to our regular scheduled appointment and the doctor did a follow up scan to confirm anything before we all decided what the best action to take would be. Anyone who knows me knows I like to be as natural as possible, but really, my body had already held onto everything 5 weeks past when the progression stopped. When would it do it's thing and let go? We discussed all the options with the doctor and set up an appointment to have a D&C Monday, after the wedding. All was well, and then we started to drive to Portland.

About halfway there I started to cramp up and had Nick pull over about 5 times. By the time we got to the hotel I was in so much pain I couldn't do anything but sit on the toilet. I told Nick to go to dinner with our friends because there really wasn't anything he could have done besides sit there and stare at me while I was crying and trying to pass everything. Finally when he came in to check on me I decided it was time to go to the ER, I would have done the same if I'd been home, so why was I torturing myself. We went to the ER and they put me on morphine and did another pelvic exam and talked about my options. All the while I kept thinking about how the timing was so bad....was I going to be able to go to the wedding the next day? I'd already made a commitment to a very dear friend. The doc sent me home with some anti nausea meds (I was vomiting because the pain was so bad) and pain meds. I decided I'd rather have a D&C with my regular doctor, I just needed to maintain a pain free state.

All was well at the wedding, the pain was gone and we all had a really great time. I couldn't have imagined such a hard time without the friends we were surrounded with. All of which were so supportive and loving. I think Nick and I have become that much closer from this experience and have learned to love each other so much more. These hurdles in life are never easy at all, but they happen for a reason. The lucky part of my life is that I have a spouse that sees those moments too and cherishes them just as much as I. I couldn't imagine my life without him.

Here's to learning, growing, loving and living.  

I recently read this bit by Rumi and it seems fitting:

I said what about my eyes
God said Keep them on the road.
I said what about my passion
God said Keep it burning.
I said what about my heart
God said Tell me what you hold inside it

I said pain and sorrow

He said… stay with it.
The wound is the place where the Light enters you.