People come into our lives by chance and other times by relation. My Uncle Ray was both. His father married my grandmother when my mother and he were ten. Though we didn't share DNA, we were family. His blood runs through and through me, his heart beats within me and his breath fills my lungs.
When I was a little girl I would get excited during the holidays because I knew my Uncles would be coming to town. I always loved being able to spend time with them and bask in their warmth and love. I am surely connected to all of my uncles, but, Uncle Ray and I always had a significant bond. The first fish I ever caught was thanks to Uncle Ray taking me fishing. I'm pretty positive that fish was too small to keep, but he was so jazzed up about my catch to care. That thing sat in the freezer for way too long to even remember. I recall one night laying in bed, well past my bedtime, looking out my bedroom window. Sleep would not consume me. Everyone was going to be in town the next day for a family gathering of some sort. As I laid there, I noticed there were five stars shaped like the letter R. Now that I'm older I realize the five stars are a part of a "real" constellation. But for me, they will always remain Uncle Ray's constellation.
Uncle Ray always treated me as if I were his daughter. I honestly believe he loved like a daughter also. We both filled a void in the other. I so much felt like I needed a father figure. Uncle Ray, he missed his biological daughters. It was understood we could never thoroughly fill those gaping holes, but we supported each other the same. I wish Uncle Ray could have had the chance to know his daughters the way I was able to get to know my dad. It was obvious to everyone who really knew him he loved each daughter more than words could ever express. Often he would confess there was not a day gone by he didn't think about them. His sons were loved with the same passion and warmth.
In my early 20's it would seem I'd found myself lost. I hadn't really figured out life on my own. Uncle Ray and Aunt Kat took me in. They showed me support and love. They also showed me a home that wasn't filled with raised voices and where dinner was shared as a family. As I sit here, writing this, I am beyond thankful for the time together. Those memories will be cherished beyond eternity. During my time living there, Uncle Ray and I had many meaningful conversations. Many of them were heavier than either of us expected, but, Uncle Ray was honorable and trustworthy. Some of my scariest shit came to surface. He listened and cared, loved and lifted me up. I couldn't have asked for a more compassionate person to hold my secrets until I was ready to completely digest them.
The father in Uncle Ray came through bright as day if ever he were to meet a boy I was interested in or was dating. Each one got a drilling and a talking too. He was sure to give me his opinion on if they were keepers or not. I'm pretty sure he even had a talk with Nicholas the night we got married. Uncle Ray was also always willing to lend a hand or teach you something you wanted to know. He taught me how to properly use a knife in the kitchen and is the reason can chop veggies up in a considerably quick manner. He and I shared a love hot sauce and spicy foods. Especially Mexican food.
There are a lot of things I will never get to say to a man I hold such and abundance of love for. I will never be able to thank him for being such a stable cornerstone in my foundation. It's hard to believe his flesh is no longer on this earth, no longer here to hug or to tease. Who is going to be the recipient of my wet willies or yucko miguckos? Who will make banana fritters on Saturday mornings or chicken Parmesan on Friday nights? I'll never get to call him the day I get my first deer.
Your flesh may be gone,
but your energy moves on.
I will carry yours.
