Satya: Speaking my Truth

It never ceases to amaze me how when you really need something, it's always provided....ALWAYS. I had a book in my wish list folder on Amazon for a long time called The Yamas and Niyamas by Deborah Adele. I don't know, it's probably been sitting in there for at least 3 years and I never actually pulled the trigger and bought it. A dear friend of mine holds a monthly yogi book club and posted the November book; The Yamas and Niyamas. I quickly logged onto my Amazon account and had the book shipped.

The first Yama is Ahimsa, or non violence. I actually have taught a class based off such ideals, and I do believe there's an older post about Ahimsa. I read through the chapter on ahimsa and then pondered the questions and exercises that followed. Ahimsa was not a new concept to me so I was eager to move onto the next Yama. Quickly I realized I needed to go back and read it again. I didn't pick up the book to read through it at a rabbits pace. That evening, I filled the tub with nice hot water and sunk down to soak up what I may have missed the first time.

Then came the second chapter; Satya or truthfulness. I can tell you right now, I am still marinating in this chapter. I did read through it twice already. However, it's still sitting in my brain and on my heart like a massive tumor. Why? Because I can't honestly say I've been completely truthful with myself or with those around me lately and it took reading this chapter to help me be truthful with myself about it.

Truthfulness has to come from a place of non violence to be accepted or heard. If it is not from a peaceful place it can be harmful, detrimental and crushing. Physical violence has not been a part of my daily life, but I can not say the same about mental and emotional violence. To understand violence in this manner we will touch on the yama ahimsa. Violence doesn't have to be kicking and screaming. It can mean being worrisome, holding onto that which is not of any use, and living out of balance. All of which is not living with self love. I can honestly say I'm guilty of every single one of those violent acts upon myself. Most of us are and would rather not face the discomfort of that truth, instead carrying these burdens on shoulders not strong enough to bare the weight.

Back to being truthful. Now that I recognize the need for balance, self love and to let go, I know the easy part is done. To be truthful with myself if one thing, but to be truthful with others can seem like a balancing act all in its own. Sages have said, it is better to remain silent than to speak a harsh or cruel truth, however, silence can be just as harmful as the truth. There is much I haven't been sharing with Nick as far as worry goes because I want to be a pillar of strength for him while he's having to deal with a health issue which has caused major disruptions in "our" plans. Having not shared with him my worry, I have become angry and saddened. How is not talking to my best friend about my fears being truthful? How does a marriage gain strength when there are large gaps missing due to non communication?

Many people have asked me lately how I am doing and I will give you my honest answer now. I'm scared shitless. There is fear of handing my little baby over to have his perfect little face corrected, and then getting him back with something worse. Worry is not trusting, and to some degree I don't trust any doctor to "make things right". I worry about Henry having a reaction to anesthesia and never waking up again. Some may say  these concerns may seem silly because "they do surgeries like this all the time" but let me tell you....you'd feel the same way was it your little one going in for such a procedure. Two weeks after Henry has his lip repair, Nick goes in for an ablation. What if they can't do the ablation? Will he be medically discharged? Do we want to stay in Washington if he is? Before I get carried away I'll leave the worries there. I know there is not much for worrying about future outcomes and the most healthy thing to do is live in the moment, but that is a brief an truthful answer to how I'm doing these days.

Speaking the truth is not always easy and sometimes can be uncomfortable. Immersing myself in the study of Satya I have come to accept this as the truth. I will be more welcoming of the growth and weightlessness which comes with speaking my truth and honoring what that looks like.

Hard times, cherished lessons: Here's to learning, growing, loving and living.

It seems as if I've taken quite the hiatus from writing. I'm really hoping to pick it back up since school finished two weeks ago. I can't believe it's been an entire year of education already. Honestly I don't think anything else can stick in this brain of mine.

A lot has happened in the last few months, this last month especially. Back at the beginning of August Nick and I found out we were going to be parents again. It was not planned, however it was not prevented, if you know what I mean. There was a bit of hesitation on my part to be excited but mostly for selfish reasons. I knew I had a bachelorette party to go to and a wedding shortly after, of which I was in. How in the hell was I supposed to fit in the size 12 dress I'd already purchased if I was 11 weeks pregnant? Turns out I would fit in the dress and I wouldn't be pregnant after all.

Nick and I were scheduled to go in for our 10-12 week checkup and ultrasound the day  before the wedding. The whole week before I felt like something was off. I think I knew in my heart of hearts things were not going well in the baby growing department. I think Nick can confirm this because I'd been really snippy for about two weeks with no explanations as to why. He gently said the other night the he believed I knew something was wrong in my subconscious. Anyhow, we went to the ER Wednesday night and they did blood work and an pelvic exam, both of which confirmed a pregnancy. Then they carted us off to have an ultrasound to make sure the baby wasn't growing in my fallopian tube, which would cause the bleeding I was experiencing. Let me just say, there is some sort of excitement that comes along with seeing the ultrasound screen. Nick and I were a bit reserved, but we will both tell you we were excited. It wasn't until we saw Kailey on the screen during my first pregnancy that it became "real" that we were having a baby. Anyhow, they started the ultrasound and  all I was seeing was the sac on the screen. My heart started to sink, but I knew I wasn't an ultrasound tech and maybe I had no idea what I was looking at. Then the man said the sac was measuring at 6 weeks 4 days and asked if I was completely sure about my dates.

Leaving the ER that night was a very emotional roller coaster for the both of us. I thought I would be ok getting the bad news because I'd already had a suspicion something wasn't right, but I was wrong. I was devastated. I just kept thinking that I couldn't believe the timing. Nick and I both agreed we were thankful to get the news before our regular check up, especially considering it was the day before the wedding we were both in.

Two days later we went to our regular scheduled appointment and the doctor did a follow up scan to confirm anything before we all decided what the best action to take would be. Anyone who knows me knows I like to be as natural as possible, but really, my body had already held onto everything 5 weeks past when the progression stopped. When would it do it's thing and let go? We discussed all the options with the doctor and set up an appointment to have a D&C Monday, after the wedding. All was well, and then we started to drive to Portland.

About halfway there I started to cramp up and had Nick pull over about 5 times. By the time we got to the hotel I was in so much pain I couldn't do anything but sit on the toilet. I told Nick to go to dinner with our friends because there really wasn't anything he could have done besides sit there and stare at me while I was crying and trying to pass everything. Finally when he came in to check on me I decided it was time to go to the ER, I would have done the same if I'd been home, so why was I torturing myself. We went to the ER and they put me on morphine and did another pelvic exam and talked about my options. All the while I kept thinking about how the timing was so bad....was I going to be able to go to the wedding the next day? I'd already made a commitment to a very dear friend. The doc sent me home with some anti nausea meds (I was vomiting because the pain was so bad) and pain meds. I decided I'd rather have a D&C with my regular doctor, I just needed to maintain a pain free state.

All was well at the wedding, the pain was gone and we all had a really great time. I couldn't have imagined such a hard time without the friends we were surrounded with. All of which were so supportive and loving. I think Nick and I have become that much closer from this experience and have learned to love each other so much more. These hurdles in life are never easy at all, but they happen for a reason. The lucky part of my life is that I have a spouse that sees those moments too and cherishes them just as much as I. I couldn't imagine my life without him.

Here's to learning, growing, loving and living.  

I recently read this bit by Rumi and it seems fitting:

I said what about my eyes
God said Keep them on the road.
I said what about my passion
God said Keep it burning.
I said what about my heart
God said Tell me what you hold inside it

I said pain and sorrow

He said… stay with it.
The wound is the place where the Light enters you.