The four hour wait while Henry was in surgery was the longest four hours of my entire life. It was also the hardest four hours of my life. For weeks all I could really think about was Henry having to go through surgery and pain to fix an imperfection that in my eyes was perfect.
It's been two days since Nick handed him over to the doctor and though the hardest part is over, I'm still processing everything that just happened. I can tell you, I feel like I'm in a state of grief. This may not make sense, but it's part of my process and I'm going to stay with it. When you have a child with a cleft you know they will change and you try to imagine what they will look like when the transformation is complete, but nothing in the imagination prepares you for when it actually take place. Henry's lip looks amazing and is already healing up quite quickly. I am still in shock at how dramatic such a small "fix" changed his face. Even though he is still my Henry, still the boy I carried in my womb, he doesn't look like my Henry. I feel sad to feel that way, but it's true. I already miss his old smile and in the same breath feel like I've forgotten how the original smile looked on him.
Change is good and it's also inevitable. All of us change over time and hardly look the same as we did as children, but the change is gradual, not over a four hour period. It's a lot to process and a lot to take in.
I can't wait to have my little man back in his normal state, giggling and smiling. Right now he's a little out of it still, being that he's on Tylenol with Codeine.
We are over the hill and on the way down. Now for the next hill.....
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