Today is my birthday!

Eskimo kisses for Mama on her birthday.



Daddy's taking some pictures.



This smile never ever gets old.

Big hug

So serious

I don't think there was any better way to spend my birthday than with my daughter and my husband. Here's to another year together making sweet memories!

A weekend of cheer!

This weekend was the It's a Wonderful Life Festival in Seneca Falls. Of course it's such an awesome and inspiring movie so we wanted to check it out. The sun was out and shining but it was 28 degrees and the wind was blowing a bit making it feel even colder than that.

Seneca Falls is about an hour East of Rochester. Kailey did awesome on the drive. She slept the entire time. When we got there I knew she needed a diaper change. Luckily we drive a subaru and can open up the hatch in the back and use the "trunk" as a changing table. I felt pretty bad for the poor girl cause her bum was bare to the really cold wind. She wasn't too happy about it either. I did my best to get the deed done quickly and have her all bundled up again. As soon as she was bundled I put her in the moby sling (one of the greatest creations EVER!) and off we went. I, like and idiot, forgot to grab my hat and gloves, but that seems to happen a lot after you have a baby because you're constantly trying to remember all the stuff you HAVE to have for the babe. Anyhow. We met up with our friend Katie at the Visitors Center which gave us a chance to warm up a bit and make sure Sweets was good to go in the sling.

We walked down the road to check out the lighting of the Christmas Tree. The three of us (Kailey doesn't count since she was sleeping) thought it was kind of odd to have the tree lighting at 11AM when the sun was in full force. The tree is near the bridge that looks almost identicle to the one in the movie. They even have a plackard on the bridge talking about the similarities. Once we got to the tree we stood around a bit talking about the dogs near by and how small the tree was. Then all of a sudden a woman says, "We'll have to pretend the tree is lit because the electricity is not cooperating at the moment." Then everyone busted out singing Christmas songs. It was kind of strange and silly. We'd decided we'd had enough of that and wondered back over the bridge and to the street corner to get some roasted chestnuts. I didn't get to eat much of mine because I couldn't see what I was doing really having the sling in front of me with Sweets in it. It makes doing anything with your hands and something small difficult. It didn't help the flesh of the chestnut was really stuck to the shell. Bummer!

Katie wanted to get the signiture from the woman who played Zuzu in the film so we walked down the street near where we thought she'd be. It wasn't the right place but we saw an amazing house decorated to the T. I can't say I've ever dreamed of having a huge house, but if I did, I would want it to look like that house. We took some pictures and headed back to the Hotel Clarence to get Zuzu's signature. Once we were in the hotel we saw how long the line was and left Katie there to stand in line while we took Sweets to have her picture taken with Santa.

Santa was hanging out in a florist. He was awesome! Full beard (a real beard) and all. He got up when we came in and started talking to us as I was pulling Sweets out of the sling. I was a bit worried she would get upset after being all snug and happy in there and then being disturbed and pulled out. Santa advised us to let her wake up and then ease her into it so she wasn't screaming at him. The whole time I'm thinking to myself, "Santa, I know she's not going to go postal on you, she has been passed around at Thanksgiving dinner (two of them actually) and doesn't mind being held by strangers!" So, he went outside to stretch his legs for a bit and Nick and I stood in the front of the line waiting for his return.

Christmas Party

I forgot to post about the Christmas Party last week. Nick's station has a party every year and this year it was on the second of December. Sadly a bunch of the Coastie's decided or could not participate, but there was still a pretty good turn out.

Anyways, our neighbor and good friend Katie has a neice who's 16 years old and offered to babysit for us if we needed. She's a really really sweet girl. So Anne showed up last Friday at 5:30 and I ran her through everything. I showed her where the breast milk was, set the bottles up for her and took her upstairs and showed her how to change Kailey's diaper. I know she knows how to change a diaper, but I wasn't sure if she'd ever changed a cloth diaper before. Nick came home and ran upstairs and took a shower (he'd been hunting all day).

We got all dressed up and got in the truck and started heading out to dinner. As we were leaving we were talking about Anne. I was telling Nick I was more worried about Anne than I was about Kailey. Anne is the oldest of four kids and has been helping with babies for a while. But Kailey has a tendancy to get a bit fussy at around 8PM. I was worried it would happen and then Anne would be stuck with a baby crying all night. So we called Katie and told her to make sure Anne called us if anything went wrong. I had a feeling Anne would call her aunt before she would call and tell us we needed to come home.

I was telling Nick on the way to dinner that there was a tiny part of my heart pulled toward being sad we were leaving Kailey for the first time, but mostly I thought it was good for us to have a date night. He felt the same way.

We had some great food and chatted it up with some good friends while everyone opened their white elephant gifts. I had some good conversation with some of the spouses who've already had children. They wanted all the juicy new mom details and picked my brain about our little Bean!

Since Nick had been hunting all day he was pretty tired. It was written all over his face so we ditched out of going to the bar with everyone and went home. We got home around nine-ish. When we walked in Anne had Kailey in her arms and sleeping with the binky in her mouth. Kailey isn't the biggest fan of binky's. I immediately told Anne she's got the job! Anne stayed the night at Katie's house, which is right down the road. Since it was so blasted cold outside, and dark, Nick gave her a ride around the corner and then we climbed in bed and called it a night.

I think date nights are in order more often!

Frazzled

Yesterday was the first day I thought would never end. I seriously almost cried because Kailey was upset and crying most of the day. I think she was fine in the morning and as the day went on she got more and more tired and never took a nap making things worse. The only time she would give me smiles is when she was on the changing table. Not only that, she wanted to eat every hour and a half to two hours. That hasn't happened since right after she was born. I put her in the bouncer in the bathroom and got in the shower. She calmed down and I think she started to sleep. I was about to look out the curtain to make sure, but when I set the conditioner down the bottle slipped of the ledge and slammed into the bottom of the tub. That was it. She was screaming and screaming and I couldn't console her. I got out of the shower, wrapped myself up in a towel, took her in our room and laid her on our bed. She passed out almost immediately. I got dressed and stood there staring at her. "Should I pick her up or leave her there?" I decided not to leave her on the bed. As soon as I picked the stinker up she was screaming again. We walked down stairs and somehow she relaxed and fell asleep. I just laid down on the couch with her on my chest and took a nap. I needed one just as much as she did. I was exhausted. We probably slept for a good two hours.  Thankfully she was good last night and slept awesome. We went to bed at 9 because Nick had been up since 3:30AM because he went hunting and I was just tired. She woke up to eat at 11:30 and again at 3 and not again until 7.....thank goodness! And today, well it's another day, and nothing like yesterday.

I took Kailey in the bath with me tonight. She absolutely loved it. Usually we bathe her in the kitchen sink but I had to shower from going to the gym anyways. It was the first time she was submerged in any amount of water. I held onto her near her shoulders and head and then she just kicked away. I kept asking her where she was off to. She got so excited it looked like she would explode with excitement. I think it's safe to say it may be one of her favorite things, and mine too. I'm hoping she will sleep good tonight, not that she doesn't already.

I turned in my resume for a yoga teaching position. I hope to hear back from them soon. I will probably call to follow up on it on Monday. I'm pretty nervous to teach but can't wait at the same time.

You make ME happy too



I never get tired of snuggles.



I know I've already posted about how magical Kailey's smile is, but really I just can't get over it. When we go into her room to change her diaper, I look down and all I see are these big blue grey eyes beaming up at me. I know just the right cooing noises to get a coo or a smile from her, and I make sure to do it every time. You see, it never gets old, and my heart melts every single time. This morning she even let out an excited shriek. It left me feeling quite excited honestly...but don't worry, I didn't shriek :) As she was cooing and getting happier staring up at me I kept thinking about how happy she makes me feel too. what a blessing to be a Mama.



I can't believe tomorrow she will be 8 weeks old. It's kind of strange how 8 weeks doesn't translate into two months, but she will be just that on Monday. I can see how much she's changed looking at older pictures. Nick and I have both noticed just how big she's gotten when we see the other holding her. Eight weeks ago I was terrified of being a mother, today I know just how to get my daughter to smile. I'm still a bit worried about ruining such a perfect little human being, but there are some things only time will help us let go of.

Sweets smiling at Mama & Daddy

So, I may have an opportunity to teach yoga where I was taking prenatal yoga classes. I will be making a resume and calling the woman who posted the ad on Craigslist. I'm pretty nervous and excited to be sharing my passion with students. You can bet I'll be brushing up on my yoga poses!

Today I told someone, "Remember to have self control and then you will have self confidence." Sometimes I can't believe the things that come out of me. I didn't realize I felt that way, but man is it so true. We are so self confident when we are self aware and controlled. I guess to be too controlled wouldn't be any fun, but anything in moderation, right?!?







I caught a good smile :)



The Month to be Thankful

Yesterday Nick and I were driving home from our trip to Home Depot and Leaf and Bean when we drove by a church that always has quotes on their sign out front. The quote they had this time was quite thought provoking for me. It said, "What if you woke up today with only what you thanked God for yesterday?" For some reason this seemed intense to me in a philosophical and deep way. I got to thinking about it and started thinking about all the things I've been thankful for lately:

I have a best friend who is always there when I need her and always goes the extra mile to make sure I know how much she cares. During my pregnancy she sent me her maternity shirts so I would be more comfortable. She knew, having been pregnant twice before, how uncomfortable pregnancy could be when you're in that in between stage of not really showing, but all your clothes are not fitting like they used to. It was such a relief to be comfortable and feel attractive again. She also sent me all the books she had on pregnancy, breast feeding and even a book for Nick that her husband had. There was also a box she shipped out with some toys and a few blankets for the babe. When it was time for the baby shower she sent me some children's books and photo albums. As if that wasn't enough there was a package on my doorstep when I got home from the hospital with another book for the babe, a bracelet she made me and four frames to put pictures in. She did such an awesome job at making me feel like she was here even though she was on the opposite side of the United States. Whenever I had questions about things or just needed to talk because I was feeling a bit hormonal and needed to vent, she was there! I don't know how I would have made it through without her love and support. I love the fact that we only see each other but once a year and when we do everything is like it always was. In fact, it's almost been a year since the last time I saw her and it will have been over a year by the time I get to California to see her smiling face again. When I get there she will have a daughter too! That's right, she's pregnant with number three. I don't know how her and her husband do it. I have total respect for them. Having a child of my own now, I can appreciate a lot of the things in her life I didn't quite understand before. As hard as I tried, and for as much as I thought I understood, I only understood a fraction. I'm so thankful for Emily!

I'm thankful this year I was able to reconnect with an old friend whom I've known since I was in grade school. She and I had talked some during the years following high school but it seemed as if we'd gone in different directions. Little did I know we were living almost similar lives....almost, not entirely. She married a man who was also in the military. Though Nick is in the military I've never had to live without him in our home for more than three weeks. Katie had to live without her husband for six months, and right after they got married. She was alone (as in her husband wasn't there, I'm pretty sure she went home to be with family as not the be completely alone) for their first Christmas and first anniversary and for some other really life changing events. I can't relate to that by any means, but I can appreciate her strength as a loving wife, for being understanding and living through the challenges life threw at her without the love of her life physically by her side (he was in spirit, thought and prayer). It must have been challenging for both of them on many, many levels. I'm thankful when we met up for the first time in YEARS we were able to pick up where we left off and reconnect. Our husbands connected too, which is always an added bonus! We were able to talk about the old times and share things with each other we'd never shared before and let go of things we'd held onto. What a trip!

I'm so very thankful to have made a new friend right down the road from us who's going through almost exactly what I'm going through. I absolutely look up to Meredith. She is such a strong woman. She and I were pregnant at the same time only she was due two weeks after me. She had some complications and ended up having her beautiful daughter at 31 weeks gestation....six weeks before Kailey was born. I remember when she told me about her daughter being born I was so interested in knowing the story about what happened I forgot to ask her if they needed help with anything. I felt like such a dope later. Luckily we connected later and started a friendship I know will last a lifetime. She and I pack the babes up in the Moby Wraps and walk around the block. We stop at Tim Horton's on most days and pick up some coffee and cider and then walk and talk and share the things going on in life. I'm pretty excited our daughters will get to be buddies for the remainder of our time here in Rochester. What's also pretty awesome  is that her husband and mine like to hunt and go fly fishing together. Double score there! I think it's safe to say we are both happy to have a woman in our lives we can relate to, bitch at and ask advice from. What a sweet deal.

I don't know how Nick and I lucked out, but we did. We have the best neighbors in the universe....and that's an understatement. They have always looked out for us and made us feel like we have family here. It's pretty awesome that tomorrow we're having our neighborhood Thanksgiving dinner. It all started when Julie wanted to have dinner at her house because they always end up out of town on the "real" Thanksgiving day (is started last year). We all enjoyed it so much we're doing it again this year. I love the camaraderie, humor, love and support on our streets (we live on a loop, but half is one road and half is another!). There's nothing like this home away from home and the adopted family we've inherited. Priceless. I guess I could say I'm pretty thankful I went with the house Nick really loved when we were house hunting because I keep thinking about how different our lives in Rochester would have been otherwise. I wasn't in love with any of the other houses anyway.

Oh the hubby. How I'm thankful for him in ways I can't even count. He's so flipping amazing. Nick takes such good care of me, and now Kailey too. He's always been really in tune with me but for some reason it always amazes me when he calls me out on it. For example, the other day he said he noticed I was being so quiet. I guess I really hadn't noticed, but he was right. It seems as of lately I'm off in my own little world. I feel like I'm indecisive about almost anything and I have no desire to do anything...except yoga and running. The thing is, I wasn't cleared to do either of those things until today. Now I can stop day dreaming about it and do them. But back to Nick. I can't tell you how much this man goes out of his way to make sure things run smoothly and feel comfortable. There is a calm within me that comes from him. I really am married to my best friend. I thank him often and tell him how amazing he is for all he does. I couldn't have asked for a better communicator, protector, provider or husband.

I'm thankful for the little bundle of love sleeping next to me as I write this. We're downstairs, in the dark, on the couch because she was fussy and Daddy wanted to get some z's early so he could get up and go hunting. I'm thankful for the patience I'm learning through her, the over abundance of love I never thought I was capable of and for the adventures we have and will have together. I feel as if she's teaching me how to love myself more, because of the patience I'm learning. There's nothing on this earth like being a mother....nothing. And I'm thankful to be a mother and have such a sweet little family.

There are many, many other things and people I am thankful for, but now I feel like I can lay down and fall asleep. I am truly blessed, loved and happy. What else could a woman ask for?

Where is your breath?

They say when you're pregnant it gets harder to breathe as time goes on and the baby gets bigger and pushes on your lungs. I found this a true statement, but not all the time in my case. It was mostly when I was sitting on the couch or in certain positions sleeping (especially if Nick was snuggled with me with his arm over me). I went to yoga classes during my pregnancy so I kept up with a pranayama practice of some sort. For those of you reading who may not know what pranayama is, it's the act of breathing. Prana means life force and yama means control. So, basically in a yoga practice, pranayama means to control the life force which ultimately is your breath. Think about it; if you're not breathing you're not living.

About two days ago I sat down to meditate and started doing Dirgha Pranayama...the "Complete Breath". I was noticing as I got to the third part of the breath, where you feel your collar bone rise, I couldn't really take in any more air (crazy because I remember breathing in so much more before!). It was almost as if my lungs were in a panic to take in more air, but they were already pretty full. It was a strange sensation. I kept practicing. I'm not sure how much better it got, but I know it will. I used to be able to inhale what seemed like massive amounts of oxygen. Of course I now realize the saying that people only use a small percentage of their lungs when they breath is true. Fact of the matter is, for 3-4 months my lungs shared their space with the precious baby I had growing inside and I couldn't have inhaled like I was before. What I didn't realize is just how much of my lungs were compromised. For a few seconds I was pretty sad I couldn't inhale what to me used to be a full breath. I really enjoy Dirgha Pranayama and all it's benefits. It's is very calming for me and can soothe any ones nerves...try it. It's also a good breath for me when I'm meditating because I'm focused on the breath and not the thoughts in my mind. This last time I did it though, I was not thinking about the three parts of the breath I was thinking about how much I couldn't breath :(

My experience shows just how much we take our lungs for granted. These precious organs are so large they take up most of the chest cavity. In fact lungs are so over sized, a good portion of the lung is not used as mentioned above. Because they are over sized  some smokers have no notice of the decrease in lung function while they are still or moving slowly. Only a small part of their lungs are being used. Also, because the lungs have such a large capacity it is possible for a human to live with only one. Isn't that nuts!?! The two lungs within your chest may seem identical but they are not. The lung on the left side of your chest is smaller allowing space for that other precious organ in your body...your heart.

We breath on a daily basis without thinking about it. Did you know you breath in and out 15-25 times per minute without even thinking about it?

Bring awareness to your breath today and don't take these precious lungs for granted. If you're smiling on the inside, you're smiling on the outside :)

Ain't love the sweetest thing?!

Sometimes things just click. For some reason this song popped in my head the morning after we brought Kailey home from the hospital and I couldn't get it out. So I asked Nick to put it on. It was a great way to start the morning, with a smile and a great song. It's always kind of reminded me of Nick and me because he says "a blue eyed boy meets a brown eyed girl"....and that's our story...now we have a blue eyed, maybe brown eyed girl (her eyes are starting to get a little brown in the center). I know this song is kind of a sad song because he's singing about losing his girl, but really love is the sweetest thing. But what's even sweeter than that, when your baby girl starts smiling. Priceless. My heart was already overflowing with love for her before, but when I see her smile, and she's still working on getting the whole smile, my heart just melts all over and I feel all warm and fuzzy inside....literally. I sent a picture of her almost smile to Nick this morning and he replied..."sweet" to which I replied..."the sweetest thing in the world". True story. It's also kind of weird because somehow I ended up calling her Sweet Sweets, Sweets or Sug. She really is sweet in my book. I'm one proud Mama who's really in love with her Sweet Sweet.



Sweets



Take care of yourself

Seems that once you become a parent a lot of things change. Aside from the obvious changes there are emotions, physical and mental changes. Some days you're overwhelmed with love, some days you're exhausted from no sleep and dragging ass, and other days you feel like you can't think straight because you're tired as hell and still dragging ass. The last few days I've realized I'm not giving myself the time I need to be mentally sound. I never really knew how to be alone until my senior year in high school when I was seeing a counsellor. I realized I always had to be near people or talking on the phone etc. I was not in anyway comfortable being alone with myself. She encouraged me to take a day and be alone. So I picked out a good CD and put myself in the car and drove to Murphy's to walk around the stores and just see how being "alone" worked out. I was hooked after that. Don't get me wrong, I still love to be around people, and especially people whom I love dearly, but there's a time to be one with myself and just let the webs of my brain untangle. I think one of the mom's from The Art Of Love series I was listening to said it perfectly, "I need to go find my patience". Though I don't know I would ever tell Kailey that like that mom told her child, I think it's absolutely correct, in my world anyways. For me, I need to have some time. I need to be alone and enjoy that time. I don't even need to be doing anything. I could go for a walk, go window shopping, or real shopping or even take a bath. Just so I have "me" time and take care of me. If I don't do that I can't be 100% for Nick or for Kailey.
I realized on Thursday I wasn't doing this for myself. I wasn't even asking Nick to take Kailey so I could go for a walk or anything. I got stuck in the rut of wanting to have family time when Nick got home and then didn't get out. This wasn't giving Nick and Kailey/Daddy time either which he enjoys. But I didn't realize this until the middle of the night when Kailey was having a night of being up every two hours. I was exhausted, tired and pissy with no reason to really be pissy. I knew Nick was going to be going out that morning to scope out a spot for hunting and I was going to be home with Kailey. I have no issues with Nick hunting, but that's when it occurred to me that Nick was doing a good job at still doing the things he loved, making time for himself and still being here to be a family. I wasn't and for some reason I was pissed about it. Luckily I have an amazing husband who listened to my concerns and then asked what we needed to do to make it right. Now I just have to find my voice again, ask for help and take care of myself too. Always a work in progress right!?!

Letting go and accepting change.

I've found myself listening to some seminar type things called The Art of Love on lovesummit.com. It's basically about couples and things they can do to keep the spark, keep communication flowing easily, and to keep a relationship fun and healthy. Though my relationship isn't on the rocks or even anywhere near them for that matter, I like to hear these things just in case there's something I might learn. I mean, we can learn from anything no matter how small or big, but we can learn. So today I was listening to yesterdays seminar. It was three women talking about keeping things sexy though you have children. There were a lot of good points and a lot of things I just tossed into my "recycle bin". One of the things that really resonated with me today was when one of them said to let go of trying to perform for everyone. Let go of trying to be a perfect parent and perfect spouse. Let yourself just be. This is something I struggle with on a daily basis. There's always that voice in the back of my head telling me I could do better. Example. Today I got a call from the boss asking me to take care of something I didn't really feel was something I should be asked to take care of. I was pretty upset about the whole thing and got off the phone. Then Kailey was crying and I was starting to get frustrated because I wasn't sure what to do for her. I'd tried the three main things, diaper, feeding, gas bubble....nothin'. I had to calmly remind myself to take a deep breath and not get any more frustrated because really I wasn't even frustrated about her being upset I was frustrated about work stuff. Then the guilt started. How could I be so frustrated and it's not even her fault? I don't want her to feel my anxiety and think it's her. Deep breath....let go. It didn't occur to me until later when I was eating dinner that I was holding onto that "perfect mother" idea the woman had been talking about. Lesson learned...now to apply it to life in the future. She also brought up the point of "clearing the past". In other words letting go of things that happened in the past like your parents not doing this, or missing out on that etc etc. If you're not holding onto those things it's easier to have a clean slate and make parental choices on your own.
It's now Autumn and the leaves have started falling. I got up Saturday morning and went into the bathroom to get ready for the day. When I looked outside it looked like it was snowing....big bright yellow leaves. They were all falling from the top of the tree. The crazy thing was how they kept falling and never stopped. I was searching each branch, looking for the squirrel I thought was running around making them all fall, but there was no squirrel. I went downstairs and let Libs out of her crate and took her outside. I was standing there in awe staring at the tree watching the leaves and then I heard them. It was the coolest thing to hear each little patter as the leaves fell from the tree. Autumn on the east coast never stops amazing me. Autumn is a time of change. It's kind of ironic how my life has taken such a change during this part of the year. A few months ago there was an article in Yoga Journal about how people really don't accept change. It really got me thinking about how true that is. People resist change so much. If only they could go with the flow and let go of the things that are not important they would see it's not all bad. Change can bring good things. Change is important for growth and renewal. There's a part of me that really grasps onto change and understands how important it is. I feel as if I'm always able to adapt well to new things and for that I am thankful.

Be healthy, be happy, be humble.

The last week has been a lot of firsts for this little family of ours. Kailey has been sleeping pretty good in the night...3-4 hour chunks. Yay...that means Mama gets sleep too. But at the beginning of last week she was waking up at 2AM to eat and then wanted to stay awake for two hours. Mama was not happy about it the next day when she was dead tired. But a Mama's gotta do what a Mama's gotta do. Then it occurred to me she may have been getting confused because the light was on and the nursery was lit up like day. I only thought of this because my best friend told me a while ago babies just figure it out, what's night and what's day. So I decided I would change her diaper and then switch the light off and see if that helped during feeding. Seemed to help. Getting the hang of breast feeding in the dark was a bit of a challenge, but now Kailey and I make a great team.
She also has never been a fussy baby. I noticed first thing after she was born how she didn't have one of those shrieking cries. She just cried. So when she cries it's not a shriek and it's not so bad. But lately she's fussy a lot and I've had a time trying to figure out what's wrong with her. I change her diaper, good to go, feed her, good to go.....still fussy. I think she's just wanting to be held more. Generally I have no problem holding her, but I only have two hands and it's hard to hold her when I need my hands for cooking or when I'm in the shower. But we work it all out. The hardest part is when my hands are full or I'm in the shower and she's getting upset. That blood curdling scream that says, "Hey Mom, I'm really upset right now, just pick me up would you, before I have a heart attack or something." is the hardest thing. It makes your heart melt right there. She's only gotten that upset a couple times and seems to soothe herself if I am dripping wet and can't get to her. It's funny because she'll be screaming like a mad woman and I go to get her and she stops like it's a switch and then just goes to sleep. I usually feel a bit guilty by that time, like I didn't get there fast enough or something.
When I was doing the prenatal yoga classes with Christa we were in Savasana one day and she encouraged us to put our hands to our bellys and send a blessing to our baby. That was the first time I really felt connected to Kailey, to my pregnancy and to what was going on with my life as far as the changes and what have you. I can't remember what my blessing was, probably a whole lot of love going her way. The other night after she was finished eating she was nestled on my chest sleeping (sometimes I don't put her right back in the bassinet because I want to enjoy the time snuggling with her while she's sleeping...I mean she won't be this small forever) and I was taken back to that yoga class where I sent her a blessing. Then I put both of my hands on her little back and sent her another blessing. I wished her to be healthy, be happy and be humble. I hope she is always those three things. I can't seem to kick that mantra out of my head the last few days either, so maybe it's a good blessing and mantra for Mama too!

The day the Narruhn world changed

A little over a week ago our little bundle of joy entered the world.

It all started out early in the morning. I knew I was having a c-section and they had me scheduled for 8AM but we had to be there between 6-6:30AM. So, I got out of bed just like any other day and got in the shower. While I was standing there with the water coming down on me I had to rub my belly for what would be the last time. It was kind of a bittersweet moment. Although pregnancy wasn't my favorite thing I really did love having a belly to rub and feeling those little feet moving around in there. I said a little prayer that all would go well and our baby would be healthy. Before we got in the car I had Mom take a few last minute pictures of Nick and me and a picture to show my belly right before baby came.

We got to the hospital and they admitted me and sent me to triage where I had to wait a short time for the nurses to get an IV in my arm. I was dreading this because no one ever seems to find my veins but I knew being tense about it wasn't going to help. I'd heard drinking a lot of water helps the veins be more plump, but I wasn't supposed to have anything to eat or drink for 12 hours before, so no nice plump veins in this ladies arm. It took three sticks for them to get one. Let me tell you, it wasn't the most comfortable place to have an IV either. It was right on the inside of my left wrist where it bends making it really uncomfortable to do anything later on (like hold a baby when you're nursing). The anesthesiologist, Fannie, came in and  explained everything to me. She was amazing. I was telling her how the outside of my right leg has been numb for about two years and how I was told it was a pinched nerve in my lower back. She did this little wet test thing with an alcohol swab and determined it wasn't any nerve in my back but was a pinched nerve in the top of my leg somewhere. Finally someone had an answer! Anyways, they prepped the OR and then came to get me. I had to walk across the hall in a hospital gown, just one, and the back was opened. The only thing I was worried about the whole time was if my fannie (Fannie told me to watch my language...haha...I'd forgotten her name was Fannie) was hanging out but the ladies made sure I was all good to go. Nick went out to get Mom. She wasn't able to go into the operating room like Nick but they had a small room off to the side with a window where she would be able to watch the nurses cleaning up the baby and take some pictures.

 I got into the operating room and Fannie had me sit on the table and push my lower back out as far as possible. Let me tell you, all the yoga in the world didn't make that any easier considering I had a bulging belly in the front of me. I bet I looked hilarious. Then she put the needle in my back and made sure she had spinal fluid coming out, which meant she was where she needed to be to get the spinal going. A spinal....like nothing I've ever had....ever! Having the spinal done didn't bother me so much, I felt the prick and then she was done. The weird part was how I couldn't feel anything from my belly button down to my toes. After she was done getting the spinal she had me lay down. She'd explained to me at the beginning how some people kind of have a freaked out feeling because it feels like you can't breath after you get all numbed up. I didn't think much of it, but she was right. I didn't feel like I couldn't breath, but just laying there on my back (which I wasn't really able to do for the previous 9 months) with my body numb and a full term baby laying on my lungs wasn't easy. I forgot to add that they had me drink some weird tasting shot of some stuff that was supposed to help with acid reflux before taking me to the OR. As I was laying there waiting for the spinal to kick in completely I started to get sick. Then Fannie got an emesis basin and kept rubbing my forehead. After being sick I felt 100% better. Once the spinal was working its magic they brought my handsome husband in all garbed up in surgical clothes. He sat right beside me the whole time. I kept looking at him and talking. Then all of a sudden my shoulder started burning and Fannie assured me it was pretty common to have that sensation. I looked at Nick and then I told them both I was going to be sick. Nick held the emesis basin for me that time. I can't really explain to you the emotions I was feeling right then. I was more worried about Nick worrying about me being sick on the OR table than anything. I knew I was in good hands. I had Fannie and two MD's in the room with me. IF anything were to happen, I was covered! But Nick, I couldn't imagine how he was feeling watching his wife be sick and knowing there was nothing he could do. After I was sick that time I was again 100% better and didn't get sick again the rest of the c-section.

Once my MD had my uterus open, and I will never ever forget this in my whole life, she said, "Your baby has a lot of hair!" I couldn't stop smiling. I guess what they say is true about having heartburn and if you do your baby will have a full head of hair. After that the MD's reminded me about them pushing on my belly (supposedly this is the part most people don't like). Me, I was smiling away, just staring at Nick. I didn't care how hard they pushed on my belly, I knew our baby was coming out! It actually took two of them. My primary MD couldn't get the baby out so the other MD had to try. While they were pushing on my belly I was laying there, staring at Nick, knowing life was going to change, and I couldn't stop smiling at him. He told me, "You can't even get a bigger smile on your face right now!" Then I heard, "You're baby is a......" and it seemed like blasted forever before they told us! But, we had a girl! They held Kailey up over the screen so Nick and I could see her, then took her off to our left to start cleaning her off. Nick stayed by my side and then they told him he could go over and see her. They'd already opened the curtain for Mom to be able to see what was going on too.

They gave Kailey to Nick and let him bring her over to me so I could see her. I couldn't even cry like most people say they do when their children are born. I was smiling too much. I was so happy. I was amazed and in awe.

They took Nick and I into a room. Then the spinal really threw me for a loop. My legs kept jumping around like jumping beans while it was wearing off. I'm not sure if it was me trying to move my legs or just something that happens, but it was happening. The nurses brought Kailey in and Nick and I had an hour before we could have guests come in.

I only ended up being in the hospital two nights and went home a day early. I made sure to get up and walk around when I could. The first day was the worst. The more I was walking the better I felt. I walked around the nurses station at least 6 times on Thursday. Friday morning my MD came in and said the nurses told her, "Please go down there and let them go home!" I hope we weren't really that bad. Nick told her it wasn't that we wanted to get out of the hospital, it was that we wanted to go home. She also thought I was nuts for not taking the Percocet, but the Motrin was just fine for me. Percocet always makes me a bit loopy and light headed, not what I wanted to be with a brand new baby, and besides, I didn't need it.

As soon as we all got in the car I looked at Nick and I started crying. I know a womans hormones are wicked after birth, and it was probably part of it, but most of it was I was so overwhelmed. I didn't think I could love Nick any more than I did, but I was completely wrong. He is an amazing husband and takes such great care of me, and I'd just had his baby. That was something amazing to say the least. I can't even put into words how it feels to be a family, not a couple. As soon as we walked in our house it felt completely different. It wasn't just our house anymore, it was our home. The feel was warm, cozy and perfect. I saw Mom sitting on the couch (we were discharged in the morning before Nick could pick her up) and I just went to her and cried more. I was truly overwhelmed. Mom just let me cry. She told me I was right, I'd married an amazing man and I would be an awesome mother and if she'd thought otherwise she would have told me.

Our family is home and adjusting well. There really is nothing like having a child. Part of me doesn't know if I can do it again. I don't know if I have the capacity to love another child just as much as I love Kailey, and only time will tell. But in the mean time, I'm going to bask in the warmth and love I have right here within my grasp everyday and cherish every moment.

Time....

There are three things which have inspired me lately. First was some lyrics to a song I've heard billions of times, second was from the 21 day meditation I did last month and the other from the October issue of Yoga Journal. So I think I'll break this down into three sections. (EDIT: the Yoga Journal will have to be a separate entry at a different time). The topics may overlap, I'm not entirely sure where it will take me, but here we go:

Time by Pink Floyd.
I LOVE Pink Floyd. I never thought I did, probably because my mom used to change the station when the song Money came on so I just chalked the band up as being not so hot. When I moved out on my own there was a time where I was partying a lot. Surprise there right?! Isn't that what all teenagers and young adults do? Ok, not all of us. But I was a small town girl in the city. Anyways, I don't think I really "got" Pink Floyd until I was stoned out of my gourd one night with my buddies and the song Time came on. Time is one of those songs that just have to be cranked up, and then you can't help but sway back and forth or bob your head as it sweeps you away. After that moment I was hooked. I had to get my hands on as much Floyd as I could. Lucky for me one of my roommates also loved Pink Floyd. Now days I don't get stoned but the experience of Floyd are always the same. It brings a smile to my face and triggers the reaction of cranking it up and floating away. Just recently however I put the Dark Side of the Moon album on (my favorite by far) and sat down on the couch listening to it. We'd bought new speakers for the stereo and TV and I wanted to test drive them. So sitting there on the couch, in the middle of the speakers, Time cranked up as loud as I could, without blowing the speakers, eyes closed and taking it all in. Then, I hear the lyrics. I mean, really hear the lyrics for the first time. And this is the line that stood out in my yogini mind,
"And then one day you'll find ten years have got behind you. No one told you when to run. You missed the starting gun."
WHOA! Did he really just say that? Was it true? Pivotal right?!?! Who knew a band I learned to love when I was stoned out of my head could bring me so much wisdom 10 years later....WHOA! Just now realized 10 years! Ironic really....wasn't even making that connection before I started writing this. But really, where I'm going with this is that it's so often true. We let time pass us by so quickly thinking tomorrow will be the "good" day, next month we're going on vacation, next year I'll go back to school for what I want to do. What about today? What about this second? I once read the choices you make today will determine who you'll be in six months. Think about that! Don't wait 10 years folks, life is entirely too short.





Yet Hafiz: Saints Bowing in the Mountains
During the 21 day meditation challenge Davidji read a poem by Yet Hafiz. The whole thing is pretty awesome, and you should look it up if you haven't read it, but I want to talk about the first two lines specifically because that's what caught my attention.
"Do you know how beautiful you are?
I think not, my dear."
Again, I can relate with this as I'm sure many people can. There have been times in my life where I have been very self conscience of my weight, my looks, my fashion and blah blah blah. I never really was overweight, well, until I met my wonderful cook of a husband, but that's not his fault. That was a lesson in self control I had to learn, but probably a topic of a later blog entry. So, being pregnant. Being pregnant is not the most elegant of times in a woman’s life. Well, from an outsider looking in it is. I've always thought pregnant women were pretty spectacular looking. But let me tell you, being here is a different story. I don't feel beautiful sometimes, ok honestly, most times, who would with a "bowl full of jelly" that constantly bumping into things and getting in the way? I mean really, I feel clumsy, forgetful, and emotional at times and down right uncomfortable. I've given up on shaving my legs for the last three weeks...that's not so beautiful now is it? But then, I have to look at things from a different minds eye. What's not to be beautiful about creating new life, creating a new soul and being the vessel for something amazing?

Who Am I (Part 3)

A Mother (to be)

Let me start off by saying there was a short time I was really considering not having children. I mean, I always wanted children, but then I started facing some stuff from my past, mostly anger issues, and thought maybe it would be better if I didn't have a child I could "mess up".

Once I'd sorted through my issues, for the most part since I feel we never really sort ALL the way through anything, Nick and I decided the time was right to start a family. We had a trip planned to New Zealand and the whole idea was to start our family while we were there. Only because we wanted to taunt our child later on and tell them they were made in New Zealand, in a camper van! But plans changed. I ended up being almost 2 months pregnant by the time our trip came around, and that's two months regular people time, not gestational. I have still yet to figure all that business out, and I'm only 3 weeks away from the babe coming.

I got lucky. I didn't end up having morning sickness at all during the first trimester. Don't get me wrong, there were days when my stomach didn't feel right or when things just didn't sound good to eat at all, but I never ended up getting sick. I feel blessed being as how we were on our vacation in New Zealand for two weeks. I was tired though. We would drive all day from one town to the next and then I would have to tell Nick I needed a nap. I couldn't sleep while we were driving. I guess there was a part of me that didn't want to miss anything we were driving past, but then I also was a bit nervous as we were driving on the different side of the road.

The night before I found out we were pregnant I had a dream about having a baby. In my dream the MD was telling me she had to do a c-section. I already knew, in real life, I would have to have a c-section due to a myomectomy I had in 2008. But, I kept telling her no! I knew I could deliver the baby on my own, I just needed to meditate and breathe. So then I grabbed Nick and told him to start meditating with me and to breathe, and then, the baby was born. It was a boy. I woke up. Back to real life. When I woke up I got up with Nick as he was getting ready for work. I usually don't, but it was our two year anniversary and I wanted to see him off. I decided to take a pregnancy test that morning too. I wasn't late or anything, actually it was a day early, but I thought it would be awesome to find out on our anniversary. So I took the test and didn't expect much. But then there was the word "pregnant" on the little screen. I almost started crying but I was too shocked. It's pretty strange that even when you're trying to get pregnant it's still shocking to get the positive test. I went down stairs and told Nick and showed him the test. Poor guy didn't know what to think, say or feel because he was just about to leave for work. I mean, he was excited, but he couldn't really share in the celebration at that moment. We did celebrate later though with a really nice dinner that night at Rooney's.

After I got the positive test there were so many things running through my head. Not to mention all the different emotions. I was scared. What if something happened or I have a miscarriage? What if I don't know what to do? What if I'm a bad Mom? How are Nick and I going to handle a huge change? Will we be able to afford a child and still have a level of financial comfort? How am I going to do this with all of my family being on the west coast? I was excited. Oh, my goodness I'm going to be a Mama, and this is going to be so fun. I was sad. My life was about to change in roughly 9 months (for the better, but there's still some element of sadness. I can't really explain it, and I know it may sound selfish, but it's there).

There is some selfish element I have that made the beginning of pregnancy kind of hard for me. I felt like I was giving up a lot and for what? I know this doesn't make sense, but let me explain. I couldn't weed eat the back yard anymore because when I tried I almost passed out. I couldn't have a nice cold beer with a burger and it was beginning to be summer and hot. I couldn't just go and go and go anymore because it was exhausting. I think I felt this way (selfish and frustrated) because I still felt normal, and my body looked like it always had. It was as if nothing was different, but I had to make a whole life style change. Of course, I know it was for something, and something well worth the change, but it was frustrating to have to slow down. And then things really slowed down.

I woke up one morning and I couldn't pee. I tried and tried and tried with no luck. So I called my MD and she told me to go to the ER. I called Nick and let him know and they sent him home from work. I ended up sitting in the ER all day, with a full bladder. They wanted it to stay full so they could do an ultrasound and see through the damned thing. Let me tell you, it was so painful. Not only was I in the psych room in the ER where there was nothing on the walls and had a door that if shut would lock me in there, but I was pacing (probably looked like I should have been in the psych). I couldn't sit and I couldn't lay down. They had me pee in a cup, what little I could to make sure I didn't have a bladder infection. I knew I didn't because I've had one before and know what they feel like. I've also had kidney stones and know what those feel like and it wasn't that either, but they never listen. It's hard when one knows their body really well and people won't listen. Anyways, once they got the ultrasound they saw that my bladder was actually on top of my uterus and not below it. So, my bladder was on the uterus, which was on my ureter, smashing it and making it impossible to get any relief. Finally the MD comes in and puts a catheter in me. RELIEF! She sends me home and tells me to call the office in the morning and they would know more what to do. In the mean time she was going to have a specialist look at all my records. She also advised me I could get on all fours on the bed and jump up and down and it would possibly help my uterus move up where it was supposed to be. Was she crazy? How in the hell was I was supposed to get on all fours and jump up and down with a catheter hose hanging out? What if I landed on the damned thing and then pulled it out? No way!  It would have been nice if I could have done some yoga too and maybe done some inversion poses, but nope couldn't even help myself that way either. If I'd gotten into an inversion all the urine would have ran back up the catheter and into my body and could have caused infection. Blah! I figured this was just what I had to go through because I didn't get morning sickness. And a weekend with a catheter was nothing.

After that incident all has been well. I've had a couple times where I've felt dizzy or nauseous, but other than that, smooth ride. I feel really lucky too.

Pregnancy has been a pretty spiritual journey for me and such a learning experience. There were times when I knew my hormones were making me upset about trivial stuff so I would just be quiet and try to sort through it. Well Nick noticed me being quiet and wondered if he'd done something wrong. I had to learn how to communicate to him that it was ok, nothing he'd done and I just had to sort through it. It very well could have been something he said, but I knew it wasn't anything to get crazy about because I knew I could get way out of control and upset, angry or hurt over something that wouldn't be worth it in the end. My mind has never worked like that. It's always worked in the "jump to conclusions" kind of way and rush to a rash decision and get pissed or hurt. All this was new, and to think it was happening when I was pregnant. Wasn't I supposed to be a raging bitch? Wasn't I supposed to be crying all the time? Wasn't I supposed to be demanding? Ok, so I had elements of all of the above, but nothing like I ever imagined because I was working through it.

The babe:
There really is nothing like feeling the baby move for the first time. I actually thought I had a twitch in my stomach muscle. Then about 5 minutes later realized I was such a dope, and it was the baby moving! Haha. I wanted Nick to feel it so bad. I wanted to share with him this milestone. He wouldn't be able to feel the baby move for weeks to come though. I would always tell him when the baby was moving. I always put his hand on my belly too, just in case. I remember the first time he felt the movement. He thought it was a burp bubble coming up! It was hilarious. Now he can feel the baby all the time and I think the baby knows when he's got his hand on my belly. It had me laughing one night. Nick was snuggled up behind me with his hand on my belly and then the babe kept kicking his hand. Then I would get an elbow on the other side of my belly and a kick again to Nick's hand. What an amazing thing growing a life can be.

There comes a time in a woman's pregnancy where it really hits her that there's life growing inside. I can't even explain how that makes me feel. Through all the frustration and all the discomfort there is a pride, a love and overwhelming feeling. I can't imagine how much more I could love someone but I know as soon as I see my child it will be a well of love bubbling over. I can't wait. I can't wait to share the baby with Nick. Men don't get all the fun times we do for 9 months. They don't get to feel the baby moving all the time. Nick once said he was bored with pregnancy because I was the only one that got to play with the baby. In three weeks Nick will get to play with our baby and I can't wait to give him that. I can't wait to see all the love he has for the babe and for me and for our little family. What a blessing an honor to be a Mother.

Who Am I? (Part 2)

The yogini:

A couple weeks after moving to Rochester I started a membership at the local YMCA. I gained some weight (from my husbands amazing meals) and wanted to start getting back into shape. Part of the membership was that all classes were free. This is part of the reason I started doing yoga. At one point I had a room mate who did yoga and she once told me her whole day was out of whack if she missed her yoga class. I didn't get it at the time. Once I started going I was hooked. Okay, honestly I was hooked after the first class. This was the kind of "work out" I could get used to. There's nothing really hard about yoga or not any reason to be hard on yourself because the poses have modifications which means anyone can do them. I was finding running or anything like that was mentally draining for me because I wouldn't let go if I couldn't go that extra mile. As I was going to these classes I started noticing subtle things. Things like how my foot felt on the floor, how my back wasn't hurting when I bent over to dry off my feet or when I was rolling out of bed, and how I was noticing how much tension was in my shoulders. I told Nick I thought I should learn to be a yoga teacher. Somewhere inside me I knew this was it. This was what I'd been waiting for all my adult life. Something I was passionate about, something that connected me with other people. I'm not the sort of person though who says, "I should learn to teach yoga" and then follows through....completely, (I know, it's kind of a big downfall, but I work on it every day). I looked into teacher trainings thinking about how much money it was going to cost to fly to Puerto Rico or somewhere exotic, for a month, to learn how to teach. Not to mention I'd have to take a month off work and pay for a plane ticket. Then I would make up some excuse why it wouldn't work, blah blah blah. Nick finally got fed up of hearing me battle back and forth with myself about teaching and looked into it. He's such a good researcher and go and get the job done kinda guy. Well, he found a yoga teacher training (YTT) near us. He walked upstairs, handed me his cell phone and said, "Check this website out. The guy has a yoga teacher training in Syracuse, I think you should call him." I was pretty shocked. It almost felt like a do it now type thing, cause if you don't you won't. I called him.

Tony talked to me over the phone one time and I agreed to go to one of his yoga classes (who wouldn't, the first class was free!). I also in the mean time printed out the application for his school and filled it out. Nick had to stand duty the night of the yoga class and I switched vehicles with him because I prefer to drive the truck at night. Halfway to Syracuse I realized my yoga mat was in the car. Shoot! You won't believe all the crazy thoughts going through my head. "This is almost like an interview. You're going to see if you like this guys class and he's interviewing you about going to his school and you're going to show up unprepared!" These thoughts by the way are what yogi's call citta (pronounced chit-ah). Constant chatter of the mind. Well, my citta was certainly getting the best of me. I luckily had time to stop at Wegman's (the local grocery store for you West Coasters) and pick up a yoga mat. I knew they would have them because I'd seen them at the Wegman's near our house. Finding the damned thing took forever though. I was almost late to class. So I got there and introduced myself to Tony and parked my very smelly mat (they tend to have an awfully Strong odor when you open them for the first time) on the floor and sat down. What happened next was amazing. Tony's class was so much more than what I was getting at the Y. He had a meditation at the beginning of the class, his poses were slower and more experiential and then there was Savasana. Savasas is at end of a yoga class where you lay down and let all the things you experienced soak into your entire being allowing your body to process it all. Tony also took the time to make the ambiance of the class exactly what he wanted. The floors were clean, the candles were lined up along the long wall in front of everyone, and the music seemed to set the tone....complete calm. I knew right then this was something special. There was more to yoga than getting in a pretzel or doing the Warrior Pose. Yoga was internal and amazing. I can't really describe much more of the class because I was just so excited about it and sharing it with Nick that the details have left me :)

After the class was over Tony came and talked to me about what kind of experience I had doing yoga and genuinely wanted to know about me. I had only a couple months of yoga under my belt, not the full year he'd have liked his students to have, but he could see that I was like him when he found yoga. I had a passion for it. I had what it took to be a teacher. I handed him my application and my $25 application fee and went on my way, happy as a clam. Every time I woke up that night I checked my email on my phone to see if he'd emailed me that I was accepted into the Infinite Light Yoga Teacher Training. He did. I was so excited. This was the beginning of something amazing, a journey I was so excited to take. This journey wouldn't have been possible if my husband hadn't kicked my bum into gear and said to go out and do it. Nick even put off going to New Zealand for a year so we could pay for YTT because "it was more important than the trip" (those are the man's own words).

January rolled around and it was time for YTT to start. Nick decided to go with me my first weekend (he went skiing while I was in class, and then watched football on Sunday while I was in class). I couldn't have been happier to have him along to support me. He knew it was a big deal and something very important. The first night Tony told us all how we would start to change during YTT. Later when I was sharing this with Nick he told me it was too late I'd already been changing (in a good way). You see, the definition of yoga is union or yoke. The union of mind and body. Something I'd never had. I mean yeah, I know when my toe hurts because I've stubbed it, but I've never understood that the tension in my shoulder was because the citta in my brain was too much for my mind to process and it showed up in my body. This we call "issues in the tissues". There were so many ah ha moments in YTT I can't even list them all. I think one of the most memorable things for me was learning to meditate and how beneficial it was. I also loved all the philosophies of yoga. To me they just made sense.

While I was in YTT there were things "coming up" that I wasn't exactly sure how to answer. A friend of ours mentioned how yoga was something you had to be careful with, as was meditation because it's like a religion and can be bad for you, if you get into the wrong stuff. This really threw me for a loop. I had to really consider this for a long time. It was something I had a really difficult time coming to terms with inside myself. Was I bad because I read about Buddhist ideals (not that this has anything to do with yoga so much, but I still read about Buddhist, Taoist stuff)? Was I bad because I was reading the Yoga Sutras and they made sense to me as much as the 10 Commandments? Was I bad to listen to stories of Shiva and Krishna and interpret them as more like fables? Is it wrong that chanting OM at the end of class resonated within me and brought me peace? I don't think it was until Easter of this year when I went to church with my neighbor that I really got it and understood that what I was studying and what I was learning and practicing (yoga) were not "bad" or harmful to me or my beliefs. While I was in church Easter morning we bowed our heads to pray and my eyes went directly to that spot they go when I'm in meditation. Click! I'd been praying all this time in my own way and didn't realize it. Yoga to me is a physical expression of a prayer. My body is a temple and I'm honoring it. I'm clearing my mind in meditation and letting my thoughts be, letting God speak to me however He will. There are times when I'm in a pose, let's just say Warrior, and I think about how amazing it is I've been given this body, and I'm able to express myself through this pose. For me, I don't think God cares how you come to know Him, how you pray to Him, whether through prayer, meditation or mantra (yes I see mantra's in Sanskrit as a form of prayer), I just think He cares that you get to Him. And though yoga is not a religion, it has helped me grow in  my own religion, just as it has for many others of many other faiths and religions.


YTT graduation ceremony August 2010

Anyone who asks Nick about the me before YTT and the me after YTT will learn how much of a blessing it has been in my life. I am slower to anger because I'm more aware of the thoughts going through my head. I am quicker to love and to help. I'm quicker to listen to some ones point of view without pushing my thoughts on them. I can feel my feet on the floor. I'm aware that my leg is numb all the time, but doing certain poses makes it feel better. I'm aware that when I don't do yoga I get grumpy, frumpy and agitated. Yoga for me is what cooking is for Nick. Sometimes Nick will even tell me, "You need to go to a yoga class."
I'm a yogini waiting to shine my light on students. I'm ready to weave philosophies into classes and help people get into a pose for the first time and REALLY feel it. I am a yogini that hopes to someday share my passion with students and help them find what I have found through yoga.....myself.

Om Shanti

Who Am I? (Part 1)

It seems as though we ask ourselves this question many times in our lives. It just so happens I recently finished a 21 day meditation challenge and the first weeks focus was "Who am I?" I really got to thinking about this a lot because at first I wasn't sure what/who I thought I was. I mean, I have titles so to speak, but really, do we ever know who we are? We are constantly changing.

I would have to say, firstly, I'm a wife to an absolutely amazing man. Many people have told me he should be cloned. Well friends, I'm working on that, because we have a bun in the oven....but that story is for later.

Here's some of our back story:


King's River

When Nick and I met he lived in Monterey, Ca and I was living in San Jose, Ca. It was July 4th weekend and I was going camping with a guy I was dating at the time and his friends. The adventure was to be at King's River near Fresno. Note, the campground was no where near either my home or Nick's and how we both ended up there is only something I can image was part of a bigger plan. So we all got to the campground and started setting up. I don't remember meeting Nick the first night, but apparently I did. The next day everyone was just hanging out, but the guy I was dating ended up being sick and hanging out in the tent most of the day. At some point everyone went up the river to get in tubes and float down the river. I was sitting on my tube and then Nick started talking to me. I was secretly thinking to myself, "Does this guy realize I'm here with another dude?" but I talked to him nicely and kept my thoughts to myself (imagine that?). Everyone finally got there and we floated down the river and into madness. Part of the group got separated and ended up going to far, which was scary because some rangers told us to make sure we got off the river at our camp site. Thankfully, everyone made it back safely though. Night came and Nick and his friends, (I forgot to mention Nick and his two friends set up camp at the site right next door to us, they were not a part of our group and none of us knew any of them) came over for a campfire and some drinks. I had not seen Nick's eyes at this point because he was always wearing his sunglasses. Well, you don't wear sunglasses at night, unless of course you're the guy on that stupid beer commercial, but anyways. As soon as I saw his blue eyes I said, "You have AMAZING eyes." Those of you who know me already know I don't much screen the things that come out of my mouth, especially when a compliment is due. Nick later told me after I said that, it was on in his mind, he wasn't going to be obvious about it but he was interested. The next day there was a bunch of drama floating around our campsite so I asked Nick if I could lay in his hammock and read my book (If the Buddha Dated, great book by the way), with the secret hope we would be able to have some conversation. Nick didn't want to seem obvious, so he up and left, and went to the river to wash up. My heart sank, although he did return. He climbed in his tent near the hammock and we started talking through the window, sly little devil isn't he? He put on some Van Morrison and then in my mind it was on, I was interested. A man that likes good music is always a plus in my musical head. We ended up talking all afternoon and late into the night after everyone had passed out. We talked about work, military life, music, just about anything. I made him a play list on his iPod to listen to when he got home and only gave him my email address. In my mind, I knew what I had to do when I got home, break things off with the guy I was seeing. There was something about Nick I'd never shared with someone else. The fact that we could talk about things, philosophical things, deep things, easy things and there was no judgement and we were both ourselves. This was pretty empowering really. The next day both of us packed up and went home (in separate cars of course), the guy I was with ended up staying one more night and came back the next day. Nick had given me his card (he's in the US Coast Guard) and I couldn't resist calling him when I got in my apartment....and I did. We talked all night. We talked about the guy I was seeing and what I had to do. So the next day when he came to my house I broke it off. He was confused because he thought we'd been close on the camping trip (this blew my mind because I'd hardly spent any time with the guy cause he was sick in the tent, and I didn't bother to take care of him, I know, I"m bad), but it had to be done, I knew there was so much more for me. The very next weekend was the motorcycle races at Laguna Seca and I had planned to go out there for it, but in the mean time I talked to Nick during the day through texts and every night on the phone for hours. I was even so bold to tell him on Wednesday or Thursday night before going out there that I was going to marry him. His reply, "Okay!" Nick sent me a cd for the 1 hour drive to Monterey from San Jose. First song on the mix was Open Your Eyes by Snow Patrol. I was almost in tears, and still feel that way as soon as the song comes on. Meeting Nick really did open my eyes to so many things, but how the hell could he have known that?  He's the best thing that's ever happened to me.



Enjoying the weekend at Laguna Seca, and enjoying each other.

Nick and I have been inseparable from then on. We were engaged on October 13, 2008, married on January 31, 2009 and then moved to Rochester, NY June 2009 because he was stationed on Lake Ontario for work. Did I mention we bought our first house here in Rochester too?  

After Nick proposed. <3

So, being a wife.

I always thought I would be a wife, but never really to such an amazing man. I can't tell you why. Maybe because it seems, in my mind, there haven't been too many really stable men in my life. Nick is the definition of stable. He keeps me grounded and calm. I have been neither grounded nor calm for most of my life. When we were first married it was hard for me in a lot of ways. Not the fact that I was married, but the fact that someone loved me so much; when I first wake up with bad breath, uncombed hair, unshaved legs and even when I say the most off the wall, random stuff. Talk about overwhelming. Even when something is bothering me, that I never imagined sharing with someone I was in a relationship with, I can talk to Nick about it and he never judges, only listens and then shares how he is feeling so we can be kosher and on the same page. I am also not what you would call the "typical" wife. Nick does the cooking in our house. Thank the Lord, because I'm not a fan of cooking, but letting that go was difficult. In my mind, I was supposed to do the cooking because that's what I'd watched my mother and grandmother do. So wasn't I a bad wife? I had to realize that Nick needs to cook. Being the one to cook in my mind is a stereotype of what a wife should be, part of the wife title. Cooking keeps Nick sane. It's what makes the man tick. He feels so good when he makes an amazing meal and then enjoys it. 



Nick and I on our wedding day.



Being a wife is so much more than being the cook, cleaner etc etc. When you're a wife, you're a friend, a confidant, a lover, a caretaker and half of the balance. Such as being a husband, but this blog is about a wife :) All of these counterparts are who I am wrapped into one simple title....wife....it's who I am.