I was so terrified of being a Mama to a daughter. I've been a tomboy most of my life and can't always relate to girly girl stuff. As soon as Kailey was born and they told me I had a daughter I knew, deep in my gut, it was meant to be and I would be okay. The funny part is, she's so girly, SO girly, and I love it. I love letting her be who she is.
For the last three years she has brought nothing but sunshine to my life.There are moments when she is a gentle reminder to let go and have fun. Once in a while she's also a little tiny mirror of my own self. She will do something or say something and then I realize she's picked that up from me, and it's not always my good traits ;)
In the last three years I have watched her bloom into her own little person. She is stubborn, works hard, artistic and a joy to be around. There are so many people in her life that love her to the moon and back. Everyday I am thankful I was given a daughter; a daughter that always amazes me and teaches me about unconditional love.
I don't think I really knew what love was until I became a mother.
Friday, October 24, 2014
Processing, taking my time, and grieving.
The four hour wait while Henry was in surgery was the longest four hours of my entire life. It was also the hardest four hours of my life. For weeks all I could really think about was Henry having to go through surgery and pain to fix an imperfection that in my eyes was perfect.
It's been two days since Nick handed him over to the doctor and though the hardest part is over, I'm still processing everything that just happened. I can tell you, I feel like I'm in a state of grief. This may not make sense, but it's part of my process and I'm going to stay with it. When you have a child with a cleft you know they will change and you try to imagine what they will look like when the transformation is complete, but nothing in the imagination prepares you for when it actually take place. Henry's lip looks amazing and is already healing up quite quickly. I am still in shock at how dramatic such a small "fix" changed his face. Even though he is still my Henry, still the boy I carried in my womb, he doesn't look like my Henry. I feel sad to feel that way, but it's true. I already miss his old smile and in the same breath feel like I've forgotten how the original smile looked on him.
Change is good and it's also inevitable. All of us change over time and hardly look the same as we did as children, but the change is gradual, not over a four hour period. It's a lot to process and a lot to take in.
I can't wait to have my little man back in his normal state, giggling and smiling. Right now he's a little out of it still, being that he's on Tylenol with Codeine.
We are over the hill and on the way down. Now for the next hill.....
It's been two days since Nick handed him over to the doctor and though the hardest part is over, I'm still processing everything that just happened. I can tell you, I feel like I'm in a state of grief. This may not make sense, but it's part of my process and I'm going to stay with it. When you have a child with a cleft you know they will change and you try to imagine what they will look like when the transformation is complete, but nothing in the imagination prepares you for when it actually take place. Henry's lip looks amazing and is already healing up quite quickly. I am still in shock at how dramatic such a small "fix" changed his face. Even though he is still my Henry, still the boy I carried in my womb, he doesn't look like my Henry. I feel sad to feel that way, but it's true. I already miss his old smile and in the same breath feel like I've forgotten how the original smile looked on him.
Change is good and it's also inevitable. All of us change over time and hardly look the same as we did as children, but the change is gradual, not over a four hour period. It's a lot to process and a lot to take in.
I can't wait to have my little man back in his normal state, giggling and smiling. Right now he's a little out of it still, being that he's on Tylenol with Codeine.
We are over the hill and on the way down. Now for the next hill.....
Friday, October 17, 2014
Satya: Speaking my Truth
It never ceases to amaze me how when you really need something, it's always provided....ALWAYS. I had a book in my wish list folder on Amazon for a long time called The Yamas and Niyamas by Deborah Adele. I don't know, it's probably been sitting in there for at least 3 years and I never actually pulled the trigger and bought it. A dear friend of mine holds a monthly yogi book club and posted the November book; The Yamas and Niyamas. I quickly logged onto my Amazon account and had the book shipped.
The first Yama is Ahimsa, or non violence. I actually have taught a class based off such ideals, and I do believe there's an older post about Ahimsa. I read through the chapter on ahimsa and then pondered the questions and exercises that followed. Ahimsa was not a new concept to me so I was eager to move onto the next Yama. Quickly I realized I needed to go back and read it again. I didn't pick up the book to read through it at a rabbits pace. That evening, I filled the tub with nice hot water and sunk down to soak up what I may have missed the first time.
Then came the second chapter; Satya or truthfulness. I can tell you right now, I am still marinating in this chapter. I did read through it twice already. However, it's still sitting in my brain and on my heart like a massive tumor. Why? Because I can't honestly say I've been completely truthful with myself or with those around me lately and it took reading this chapter to help me be truthful with myself about it.
Truthfulness has to come from a place of non violence to be accepted or heard. If it is not from a peaceful place it can be harmful, detrimental and crushing. Physical violence has not been a part of my daily life, but I can not say the same about mental and emotional violence. To understand violence in this manner we will touch on the yama ahimsa. Violence doesn't have to be kicking and screaming. It can mean being worrisome, holding onto that which is not of any use, and living out of balance. All of which is not living with self love. I can honestly say I'm guilty of every single one of those violent acts upon myself. Most of us are and would rather not face the discomfort of that truth, instead carrying these burdens on shoulders not strong enough to bare the weight.
Back to being truthful. Now that I recognize the need for balance, self love and to let go, I know the easy part is done. To be truthful with myself if one thing, but to be truthful with others can seem like a balancing act all in its own. Sages have said, it is better to remain silent than to speak a harsh or cruel truth, however, silence can be just as harmful as the truth. There is much I haven't been sharing with Nick as far as worry goes because I want to be a pillar of strength for him while he's having to deal with a health issue which has caused major disruptions in "our" plans. Having not shared with him my worry, I have become angry and saddened. How is not talking to my best friend about my fears being truthful? How does a marriage gain strength when there are large gaps missing due to non communication?
Many people have asked me lately how I am doing and I will give you my honest answer now. I'm scared shitless. There is fear of handing my little baby over to have his perfect little face corrected, and then getting him back with something worse. Worry is not trusting, and to some degree I don't trust any doctor to "make things right". I worry about Henry having a reaction to anesthesia and never waking up again. Some may say these concerns may seem silly because "they do surgeries like this all the time" but let me tell you....you'd feel the same way was it your little one going in for such a procedure. Two weeks after Henry has his lip repair, Nick goes in for an ablation. What if they can't do the ablation? Will he be medically discharged? Do we want to stay in Washington if he is? Before I get carried away I'll leave the worries there. I know there is not much for worrying about future outcomes and the most healthy thing to do is live in the moment, but that is a brief an truthful answer to how I'm doing these days.
Speaking the truth is not always easy and sometimes can be uncomfortable. Immersing myself in the study of Satya I have come to accept this as the truth. I will be more welcoming of the growth and weightlessness which comes with speaking my truth and honoring what that looks like.
The first Yama is Ahimsa, or non violence. I actually have taught a class based off such ideals, and I do believe there's an older post about Ahimsa. I read through the chapter on ahimsa and then pondered the questions and exercises that followed. Ahimsa was not a new concept to me so I was eager to move onto the next Yama. Quickly I realized I needed to go back and read it again. I didn't pick up the book to read through it at a rabbits pace. That evening, I filled the tub with nice hot water and sunk down to soak up what I may have missed the first time.
Then came the second chapter; Satya or truthfulness. I can tell you right now, I am still marinating in this chapter. I did read through it twice already. However, it's still sitting in my brain and on my heart like a massive tumor. Why? Because I can't honestly say I've been completely truthful with myself or with those around me lately and it took reading this chapter to help me be truthful with myself about it.
Truthfulness has to come from a place of non violence to be accepted or heard. If it is not from a peaceful place it can be harmful, detrimental and crushing. Physical violence has not been a part of my daily life, but I can not say the same about mental and emotional violence. To understand violence in this manner we will touch on the yama ahimsa. Violence doesn't have to be kicking and screaming. It can mean being worrisome, holding onto that which is not of any use, and living out of balance. All of which is not living with self love. I can honestly say I'm guilty of every single one of those violent acts upon myself. Most of us are and would rather not face the discomfort of that truth, instead carrying these burdens on shoulders not strong enough to bare the weight.
Back to being truthful. Now that I recognize the need for balance, self love and to let go, I know the easy part is done. To be truthful with myself if one thing, but to be truthful with others can seem like a balancing act all in its own. Sages have said, it is better to remain silent than to speak a harsh or cruel truth, however, silence can be just as harmful as the truth. There is much I haven't been sharing with Nick as far as worry goes because I want to be a pillar of strength for him while he's having to deal with a health issue which has caused major disruptions in "our" plans. Having not shared with him my worry, I have become angry and saddened. How is not talking to my best friend about my fears being truthful? How does a marriage gain strength when there are large gaps missing due to non communication?
Many people have asked me lately how I am doing and I will give you my honest answer now. I'm scared shitless. There is fear of handing my little baby over to have his perfect little face corrected, and then getting him back with something worse. Worry is not trusting, and to some degree I don't trust any doctor to "make things right". I worry about Henry having a reaction to anesthesia and never waking up again. Some may say these concerns may seem silly because "they do surgeries like this all the time" but let me tell you....you'd feel the same way was it your little one going in for such a procedure. Two weeks after Henry has his lip repair, Nick goes in for an ablation. What if they can't do the ablation? Will he be medically discharged? Do we want to stay in Washington if he is? Before I get carried away I'll leave the worries there. I know there is not much for worrying about future outcomes and the most healthy thing to do is live in the moment, but that is a brief an truthful answer to how I'm doing these days.
Speaking the truth is not always easy and sometimes can be uncomfortable. Immersing myself in the study of Satya I have come to accept this as the truth. I will be more welcoming of the growth and weightlessness which comes with speaking my truth and honoring what that looks like.
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