Charlotte

Have you ever taken the time to really watch a spider make it's web?

We had a spider right outside our kitchen window and it was inevitably reconstructing it's web every day.....EVERY day. I don't understand why, at the same time every morning it was busy making a new web, but it was. One morning I was doing the dishes from the night before and realized "she" was hard at work. I literally stopped what I was doing and watched her continue around her web a few times. The web was by no means a small web. It took up the whole side of the window. Around and around she went. Slowly allowing her web to come out of her small body, and then use one of her legs to attach the delicate web exactly where she wanted it. I was astounded. I couldn't stop thinking about how hard she was working and how quickly her work could be destroyed. Not only was she building her home, she was producing the material it was constructed of.

 I can't say I've ever done that myself.

I do know it takes a lot of work to make a place a home and to have everything exactly in it's rightful place. As the years have gone by Nick and I have had to move a few times. During the moving process we have acquired different things and we have also lost some. Though possessions come and go, the feeling of "home" has to be created. When we first arrived in Bremerton, our house did not feel like home at all. It was a shell with all our possessions inside. Nick and I seriously loathed going back to that place when we left for the store or when to visit someone. I am happy to say we've found a house that feels more like home. I say more like home because the house on Belvedere Drive was home. We have had many a conversation about what made it home and we can't quite put our finger on it. Maybe it was that it was our home because we "owned" it, or maybe it was because it was the place where so much of our foundation was established. Whatever it was, we will find it again.

There has been much conversation in our lives now about moving. So much is in the air and it's hard to even start to think about home. We have to make some choices about the places we think we'd like to go and the places we don't think we'd like to go. My heart is calling me back to the east coast, as is Nick's. We just have to roll the dice and see where the journey takes us. We've tossed around the idea of buying a house if we are stationed in Seattle again. It's not like we want to end up here in the end (maybe we do and we don't know it yet) but there is something special about buying a house. There's always the option to buy where we move to, but we may not be as lucky as when we were in Rochester and end up liking the place. At least here we know we don't HATE it.

Charlotte is a topic of discussion for Kailey and I every morning. We haven't seen her in a few days, which makes me sad, but her friend Philip is in the front window now and we watch him all the time (he also has been reconstructing webs now and again). He's really great at catching all the bugs. If only Kailey knew how special these moments are to me and how much she makes my world a home; a warm place filled with laughter and love. I'm glad I get to take her with me when we move!

Happy Happy Joy Joy

"Don't ask yourself what the world needs; ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."

Harold Whitman

Lately I have been reading a lot of different books. It seems like every book I chose to read had a similar idea or goal; happiness. What is happiness? There are many different definitions, and many different paths to supposedly get there. I say get there because to me, happiness is a place. Not a physical place you can drive or travel to, but a place inside of me. I don't think I ever really thought of it like that until just now. Everyone has their "happy" place to tap into when things are getting rough. I think sometimes we forget how to get there when things aren't tough, we just wait for happiness to happen to us. Happiness is not something which can be purchased. Items which are purchased bring temporary happiness but in the end, it's all just stuff. Lately, less stuff makes me more happy. I can't stop going through our house and thinking to myself, "Do we really need that? Have we used that in a while?" Then I find myself donating things or passing them on to someone who may need it more than me or who could get more use out of it that I would. Having less clutter in my physical world somehow made my internal world feel better. Part of me believes I am aware of how chaotic my life is right now and my thoughts are going 90 miles an hour trying to figure things out and when our home and space is cluttered and messy, my head feels more messy. 

Being an adult sometimes seems like more trouble than what we envision it as a child. We always wanted to be older so we could do the fun stuff. Having children has reminded me how much of my spunk, fun and happiness for the moment was depleted. A child may be playing with their favorite toy and have their whole world torn apart because they are asked to do something else. They are so in the moment. There is nothing else; pure happiness. It's not a choice for them, it just is. For me, happiness is a choice. Anger is a choice. Love is a choice. Often I have to remind myself that. 

Somehow this post feels a bit off track, so let's get back to the quote. What makes me alive? The things I do that make me happy make me alive. For too long I have deprived myself of some of those things because I don't have time or because I feel selfish taking time to myself. The reasons are endless. But when I really sit down and think about it, I have to chose to make time for the things that light me up and fill up my tank. When I don't, I tend to get irritable and frustrated which makes for a no fun Mama or wife. When I start feeling like no fun or am getting frustrated often I get hard on myself and it feels like a whirlwind of unhappiness.

Knowing how crazy things are, I am making sure to find time to be happy. I'm finding time to be myself and do the things I want to do; the things that fill up my tank.

I am coming alive, watch me soar.

Crazy, Chaotic, Beautiful Mess

There has been a lot going on in the Narruhn world lately. Two weeks after Henry was born, Nick started to have chest pain that kept getting more intense every time he would run. He didn't say anything about it the first time it happened, but certainly did the second or third time it happened, when he landed himself in the emergency room. Nick has a medical condition known as Wolff Parkinson White Syndrome. We've known about since 2008, but it has caused no issues until recently. This condition means Nick has an extra electrical pathway in his heart. The pathway laid dormant and the energy was not going through it. Suddenly the energy started to go through that pathway causing tachycardia (rapid heartbeat....200+ per minute to be exact). Luckily this condition is fixable, and the surgery is not that complicated....in most cases. However, Nick's accessory pathway is close to his AV node (what makes the heart beat) and if they go in and use radio frequency to burn it off (called an ablation) they could damage the AV node. That means Nick would have to have a pacemaker installed. The man is going to outlive me, I know it ;) While learning all of this we were been waiting for the MD's to decide if they were going to fly us down to San Diego to have the procedure  done (there's no military MD around here who performs that procedure) or refer us out to a civilian doctor near home. They have finally gotten all their ducks in a row and Nick will be seeing a new cardiologist tomorrow, and hopefully be scheduling the procedure.

To make things more complicated, we have to have a procedure done for Brother Bear (Henry). We originally went to see the "team" last month, but were not able to meet with the plastic surgeon. The surgeon at Madigan is moving and would not be there when Henry would be having surgery so they suggested we wait for a referral for the surgeon that would be taking care of us so we didn't have to meet with two different guys. One would think it was a wise decision and helpful for us, but it has almost been a pain in the bum. We finally got a call that the referral went through. I called the "appointment" line for Tricare to set up the consult, no luck, the clinic is supposed to contact us to make the appointment. So, like any good Mama, I called the clinic to get the ball rolling. That was at the beginning of August and no one has called me back. I called the appointment line again and they said they would put in a message for the clinic to call me back in one business day....no good, still haven't heard a word from them. I called them today and left a message. If I don't hear from them I will call the patient representative and let them handle it all. I guess in a way this is a blessing because we are able to handle Nick's health concerns first and not have to try and schedule Henry and Nick around each other. Blessing or not, the waiting is killing me. I'd just like to have every thing scheduled and taken care of. Answers seem to help.

Kailey started preschool this week which is exciting. The school has been all over the place and not very organized. Without going into details and complaining about everything, I'll just say it's frustrating and I'm hoping it is not foreshadowing of how the year will go there.

We also got a call two weeks ago to confirm we will be moving in May of 2015. We had a feeling it was coming, and now we know for sure. We are both excited, and nervous. Though we have loved being here, it has been the most challenging period of our lives together so far. There are many dynamics that have played a part in that and we've sorted through most of them together. We have grown and learned so much here, about family, ourselves and communication.

I'm being challenged to learn and grow more these last few weeks and for that I am thankful. Everything has a silver lining. Everyday is a gift. All I can do is be conscious of the goings on in my life and be thankful I have an amazing little family. We will rock these next few months like there's no tomorrow!