For the last couple years I have been dealing with some health issues. Well, one really, but as a woman, having your hair fall out is kind of a big deal. I went to the doctors in Rochester, nothing. I went to the doctors on base here....hope. Until there was not hope, and they wanted to put me on lupus medication and inject steroids into my scalp to help the inflammation decrease.
Anyways, where am I going with all of this? I went to a naturopath. He thinks it has to do with my thyroid, which is what a lot of people, including myself, initially thought. He also asked to treat me for my low vitamin D levels. Great. I started taking the T3 medication and the vitamin D and let me tell you I have noticed a complete difference in my whole being.
Nick came home one day and I'd completely cleaned (almost to the point of deep cleaned) the house. Our house is not the dirtiest of homes, however it could use some love and care now and again. I also did some yard work. It occurred to me I hadn't really been participating, or encouraging for that matter, the matters of keeping the home spick and span or doing yard work. While I was cleaning the house I felt wellness rise up inside of me. I felt happy. Really? Happy to do housework? Yes. I told Nick it was as if my lazy bone was completely broken and now it's fixed. I had the energy and drive to do these things.
I've been working a lot in the evenings now which is not something our little family is not used to. I don't mind so much because I know I'm working and helping support us. What happens when I work in the evening is I miss out on dinner with Nick and Kailey. Sometimes this puts me at eating dinner at 8:30 or 9. No big deal, but after having just done massages all afternoon I'm dog tired and don't want to do the dishes. Rule is, I cook, you clean. Since Nick cooks when I'm at work (and most of the time) I clean.
I came downstairs this morning and found the dishes still in the sink where I'd left them last night. Nick was kind enough to put the enchiladas in the refrigerator, but I hadn't the drive to do the dishes. I found I was pissy about even doing them this morning. I mean, didn't I work late last night, and couldn't Nick have done them for me? Then I think, "Wait a minute, he had to cook dinner and entertain a 2 year old all evening, not to mention give her a bath and the whole bedtime routine." I think it was fair for both of us to let it slide one night. But as I was wallowing in my irritation and thinking about how I shouldn't have had to do the dishes I started thinking about all the housework I'd done the last week or so too. (Now, before this sounds like a bashing my husband blog post, please continue to read on. It's not, it's just me sorting through my stuff). I was starting to talk myself into not doing anything else because I didn't need to do it all by myself. Let me just say right now, all the while I was going to school, Nick picked up so much slack and never once complained about it....not once. Then I started to think about that and how thankful I was he'd been so supportive and helped out behind the scenes more than I could ever imagine. The problem this morning was that I wasn't feeling like the things I'd been doing were being acknowledged enough for me. Nick always says thank you when I clean the house or he comes home and all the dishes are washed and put away and he can get right to cooking. Then I realized, it wasn't Nick that wasn't thanking me enough it was myself.
I'm not sure how popular the book The Five Love Languages is but I read it in a day and it has stuck with me ever since. I realized my love language was words of affirmation. When people verbally appreciate me and the things I do well, I feel loved. The trouble with this is that I'm not verbally expressing my appreciation for myself enough. Then I connected my love language to a book I'm reading now called The Anatomy of the Spirit. It's a book on healing through figuring out what emotions/beliefs you're holding onto, which chakras are out of balance and why, and what is going on inside besides the physical afflictions. Maybe, just maybe, (and really, not maybe, it is so).....I'm not loving myself enough, not appreciating the things I do, not congratulating myself for finishing school and beginning to build a clientele.....this is probably part of the reason my hair is falling out. Nick could tell me how thankful he is until the cows come home, but until I thank myself for advocating my own health and seeing a doctor who has helped bring some energy back to these bones, I will continue to be in this rut and continue to have hair issues.
I am thankful for all the random thoughts that flew through my mind this morning as I was taking Sweets to daycare. I'm also thankful for finding this ray of sunshine on a cloudy, irritated day. I will continue to learn to honor and love myself better.
"Everyday and in every way, I am getting better and better."
Thursday, November 7, 2013
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Perfectly Imperfect
I have this sort of strange habit, (not so strange if you know me) of picking up leaves in the fall. Especially the perfectly colored and shaped leaves. There's a part of me that wishes I could hold onto them forever; maybe because they warm me to my core, maybe even because sometimes I find their radiance completely overwhelming, or maybe they nurture my growth just as much as the ground they've fallen on.
Yesterday I dropped Sweets off at the daycare and then went to the library. As I was walking back to my car there was a beautiful red leaf laying right outside my door. Of course, I picked it up and somehow held onto it as I got into my car with my large pile of library books. I set it down in the usual place I set leaves down and started driving home. At a stop light I picked it up to have a closer look. I looked at it I realized it wasn't perfect at all. With my first glance it had a brilliant red and looked as if all of it's points were still intact. In the process of getting into the car I had not realized it was missing a few tips and it actually had a large crack running through it. I set it back down and continued my drive home, but not without a whirlwind of thoughts about this particular leaf. What is the definition of perfect anyways?
Having no mistakes or flaws.
There was a reason I'd picked up this imperfection. It was a reminder that nothing is ever perfect. NOTHING, and NO ONE. I know, I know, this is not news to anyone, but we have to remind ourselves it's okay to have flaws, be quirky, have missing tips, and huge cracks right down our centers. People may pick us up, assuming we are what you might call "perfect", but as time goes on they will realize we're not. Here's the catch, it's what you do with your imperfections that matters. It's how you keep them, or don't keep them. I'm finding there are things to let go of and most of the time we should not hold onto anything. Even our perfections. When we cling to them we set ourselves up for disappointment. We can not hold on to those perfect moments hoping to get them back again for they are a "passing moment gone."
Remember to learn from your mistakes; they are really just lessons. Never forget to let go of your imperfections. Sometimes it's really not worth trying to fix them or become perfect.....life's too short to be worried about all these things. Live, be happy, and most of all, LOVE. Love your imperfections as much as you love yourself....without them, you would be someone else.
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Yesterday I dropped Sweets off at the daycare and then went to the library. As I was walking back to my car there was a beautiful red leaf laying right outside my door. Of course, I picked it up and somehow held onto it as I got into my car with my large pile of library books. I set it down in the usual place I set leaves down and started driving home. At a stop light I picked it up to have a closer look. I looked at it I realized it wasn't perfect at all. With my first glance it had a brilliant red and looked as if all of it's points were still intact. In the process of getting into the car I had not realized it was missing a few tips and it actually had a large crack running through it. I set it back down and continued my drive home, but not without a whirlwind of thoughts about this particular leaf. What is the definition of perfect anyways?
Having no mistakes or flaws.
There was a reason I'd picked up this imperfection. It was a reminder that nothing is ever perfect. NOTHING, and NO ONE. I know, I know, this is not news to anyone, but we have to remind ourselves it's okay to have flaws, be quirky, have missing tips, and huge cracks right down our centers. People may pick us up, assuming we are what you might call "perfect", but as time goes on they will realize we're not. Here's the catch, it's what you do with your imperfections that matters. It's how you keep them, or don't keep them. I'm finding there are things to let go of and most of the time we should not hold onto anything. Even our perfections. When we cling to them we set ourselves up for disappointment. We can not hold on to those perfect moments hoping to get them back again for they are a "passing moment gone."
Remember to learn from your mistakes; they are really just lessons. Never forget to let go of your imperfections. Sometimes it's really not worth trying to fix them or become perfect.....life's too short to be worried about all these things. Live, be happy, and most of all, LOVE. Love your imperfections as much as you love yourself....without them, you would be someone else.
Monday, September 9, 2013
Hard times, cherished lessons: Here's to learning, growing, loving and living.
It seems as if I've taken quite the hiatus from writing. I'm really hoping to pick it back up since school finished two weeks ago. I can't believe it's been an entire year of education already. Honestly I don't think anything else can stick in this brain of mine.
A lot has happened in the last few months, this last month especially. Back at the beginning of August Nick and I found out we were going to be parents again. It was not planned, however it was not prevented, if you know what I mean. There was a bit of hesitation on my part to be excited but mostly for selfish reasons. I knew I had a bachelorette party to go to and a wedding shortly after, of which I was in. How in the hell was I supposed to fit in the size 12 dress I'd already purchased if I was 11 weeks pregnant? Turns out I would fit in the dress and I wouldn't be pregnant after all.
Nick and I were scheduled to go in for our 10-12 week checkup and ultrasound the day before the wedding. The whole week before I felt like something was off. I think I knew in my heart of hearts things were not going well in the baby growing department. I think Nick can confirm this because I'd been really snippy for about two weeks with no explanations as to why. He gently said the other night the he believed I knew something was wrong in my subconscious. Anyhow, we went to the ER Wednesday night and they did blood work and an pelvic exam, both of which confirmed a pregnancy. Then they carted us off to have an ultrasound to make sure the baby wasn't growing in my fallopian tube, which would cause the bleeding I was experiencing. Let me just say, there is some sort of excitement that comes along with seeing the ultrasound screen. Nick and I were a bit reserved, but we will both tell you we were excited. It wasn't until we saw Kailey on the screen during my first pregnancy that it became "real" that we were having a baby. Anyhow, they started the ultrasound and all I was seeing was the sac on the screen. My heart started to sink, but I knew I wasn't an ultrasound tech and maybe I had no idea what I was looking at. Then the man said the sac was measuring at 6 weeks 4 days and asked if I was completely sure about my dates.
Leaving the ER that night was a very emotional roller coaster for the both of us. I thought I would be ok getting the bad news because I'd already had a suspicion something wasn't right, but I was wrong. I was devastated. I just kept thinking that I couldn't believe the timing. Nick and I both agreed we were thankful to get the news before our regular check up, especially considering it was the day before the wedding we were both in.
Two days later we went to our regular scheduled appointment and the doctor did a follow up scan to confirm anything before we all decided what the best action to take would be. Anyone who knows me knows I like to be as natural as possible, but really, my body had already held onto everything 5 weeks past when the progression stopped. When would it do it's thing and let go? We discussed all the options with the doctor and set up an appointment to have a D&C Monday, after the wedding. All was well, and then we started to drive to Portland.
About halfway there I started to cramp up and had Nick pull over about 5 times. By the time we got to the hotel I was in so much pain I couldn't do anything but sit on the toilet. I told Nick to go to dinner with our friends because there really wasn't anything he could have done besides sit there and stare at me while I was crying and trying to pass everything. Finally when he came in to check on me I decided it was time to go to the ER, I would have done the same if I'd been home, so why was I torturing myself. We went to the ER and they put me on morphine and did another pelvic exam and talked about my options. All the while I kept thinking about how the timing was so bad....was I going to be able to go to the wedding the next day? I'd already made a commitment to a very dear friend. The doc sent me home with some anti nausea meds (I was vomiting because the pain was so bad) and pain meds. I decided I'd rather have a D&C with my regular doctor, I just needed to maintain a pain free state.
All was well at the wedding, the pain was gone and we all had a really great time. I couldn't have imagined such a hard time without the friends we were surrounded with. All of which were so supportive and loving. I think Nick and I have become that much closer from this experience and have learned to love each other so much more. These hurdles in life are never easy at all, but they happen for a reason. The lucky part of my life is that I have a spouse that sees those moments too and cherishes them just as much as I. I couldn't imagine my life without him.
Here's to learning, growing, loving and living.
I recently read this bit by Rumi and it seems fitting:
I said what about my eyes
God said Keep them on the road.
I said what about my passion
God said Keep it burning.
I said what about my heart
God said Tell me what you hold inside it
I said pain and sorrow
He said… stay with it.
The wound is the place where the Light enters you.
A lot has happened in the last few months, this last month especially. Back at the beginning of August Nick and I found out we were going to be parents again. It was not planned, however it was not prevented, if you know what I mean. There was a bit of hesitation on my part to be excited but mostly for selfish reasons. I knew I had a bachelorette party to go to and a wedding shortly after, of which I was in. How in the hell was I supposed to fit in the size 12 dress I'd already purchased if I was 11 weeks pregnant? Turns out I would fit in the dress and I wouldn't be pregnant after all.
Nick and I were scheduled to go in for our 10-12 week checkup and ultrasound the day before the wedding. The whole week before I felt like something was off. I think I knew in my heart of hearts things were not going well in the baby growing department. I think Nick can confirm this because I'd been really snippy for about two weeks with no explanations as to why. He gently said the other night the he believed I knew something was wrong in my subconscious. Anyhow, we went to the ER Wednesday night and they did blood work and an pelvic exam, both of which confirmed a pregnancy. Then they carted us off to have an ultrasound to make sure the baby wasn't growing in my fallopian tube, which would cause the bleeding I was experiencing. Let me just say, there is some sort of excitement that comes along with seeing the ultrasound screen. Nick and I were a bit reserved, but we will both tell you we were excited. It wasn't until we saw Kailey on the screen during my first pregnancy that it became "real" that we were having a baby. Anyhow, they started the ultrasound and all I was seeing was the sac on the screen. My heart started to sink, but I knew I wasn't an ultrasound tech and maybe I had no idea what I was looking at. Then the man said the sac was measuring at 6 weeks 4 days and asked if I was completely sure about my dates.
Leaving the ER that night was a very emotional roller coaster for the both of us. I thought I would be ok getting the bad news because I'd already had a suspicion something wasn't right, but I was wrong. I was devastated. I just kept thinking that I couldn't believe the timing. Nick and I both agreed we were thankful to get the news before our regular check up, especially considering it was the day before the wedding we were both in.
Two days later we went to our regular scheduled appointment and the doctor did a follow up scan to confirm anything before we all decided what the best action to take would be. Anyone who knows me knows I like to be as natural as possible, but really, my body had already held onto everything 5 weeks past when the progression stopped. When would it do it's thing and let go? We discussed all the options with the doctor and set up an appointment to have a D&C Monday, after the wedding. All was well, and then we started to drive to Portland.
About halfway there I started to cramp up and had Nick pull over about 5 times. By the time we got to the hotel I was in so much pain I couldn't do anything but sit on the toilet. I told Nick to go to dinner with our friends because there really wasn't anything he could have done besides sit there and stare at me while I was crying and trying to pass everything. Finally when he came in to check on me I decided it was time to go to the ER, I would have done the same if I'd been home, so why was I torturing myself. We went to the ER and they put me on morphine and did another pelvic exam and talked about my options. All the while I kept thinking about how the timing was so bad....was I going to be able to go to the wedding the next day? I'd already made a commitment to a very dear friend. The doc sent me home with some anti nausea meds (I was vomiting because the pain was so bad) and pain meds. I decided I'd rather have a D&C with my regular doctor, I just needed to maintain a pain free state.
All was well at the wedding, the pain was gone and we all had a really great time. I couldn't have imagined such a hard time without the friends we were surrounded with. All of which were so supportive and loving. I think Nick and I have become that much closer from this experience and have learned to love each other so much more. These hurdles in life are never easy at all, but they happen for a reason. The lucky part of my life is that I have a spouse that sees those moments too and cherishes them just as much as I. I couldn't imagine my life without him.
Here's to learning, growing, loving and living.
I recently read this bit by Rumi and it seems fitting:
I said what about my eyes
God said Keep them on the road.
I said what about my passion
God said Keep it burning.
I said what about my heart
God said Tell me what you hold inside it
I said pain and sorrow
He said… stay with it.
The wound is the place where the Light enters you.
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