You make ME happy too



I never get tired of snuggles.



I know I've already posted about how magical Kailey's smile is, but really I just can't get over it. When we go into her room to change her diaper, I look down and all I see are these big blue grey eyes beaming up at me. I know just the right cooing noises to get a coo or a smile from her, and I make sure to do it every time. You see, it never gets old, and my heart melts every single time. This morning she even let out an excited shriek. It left me feeling quite excited honestly...but don't worry, I didn't shriek :) As she was cooing and getting happier staring up at me I kept thinking about how happy she makes me feel too. what a blessing to be a Mama.



I can't believe tomorrow she will be 8 weeks old. It's kind of strange how 8 weeks doesn't translate into two months, but she will be just that on Monday. I can see how much she's changed looking at older pictures. Nick and I have both noticed just how big she's gotten when we see the other holding her. Eight weeks ago I was terrified of being a mother, today I know just how to get my daughter to smile. I'm still a bit worried about ruining such a perfect little human being, but there are some things only time will help us let go of.

Sweets smiling at Mama & Daddy

So, I may have an opportunity to teach yoga where I was taking prenatal yoga classes. I will be making a resume and calling the woman who posted the ad on Craigslist. I'm pretty nervous and excited to be sharing my passion with students. You can bet I'll be brushing up on my yoga poses!

Today I told someone, "Remember to have self control and then you will have self confidence." Sometimes I can't believe the things that come out of me. I didn't realize I felt that way, but man is it so true. We are so self confident when we are self aware and controlled. I guess to be too controlled wouldn't be any fun, but anything in moderation, right?!?







I caught a good smile :)



The Month to be Thankful

Yesterday Nick and I were driving home from our trip to Home Depot and Leaf and Bean when we drove by a church that always has quotes on their sign out front. The quote they had this time was quite thought provoking for me. It said, "What if you woke up today with only what you thanked God for yesterday?" For some reason this seemed intense to me in a philosophical and deep way. I got to thinking about it and started thinking about all the things I've been thankful for lately:

I have a best friend who is always there when I need her and always goes the extra mile to make sure I know how much she cares. During my pregnancy she sent me her maternity shirts so I would be more comfortable. She knew, having been pregnant twice before, how uncomfortable pregnancy could be when you're in that in between stage of not really showing, but all your clothes are not fitting like they used to. It was such a relief to be comfortable and feel attractive again. She also sent me all the books she had on pregnancy, breast feeding and even a book for Nick that her husband had. There was also a box she shipped out with some toys and a few blankets for the babe. When it was time for the baby shower she sent me some children's books and photo albums. As if that wasn't enough there was a package on my doorstep when I got home from the hospital with another book for the babe, a bracelet she made me and four frames to put pictures in. She did such an awesome job at making me feel like she was here even though she was on the opposite side of the United States. Whenever I had questions about things or just needed to talk because I was feeling a bit hormonal and needed to vent, she was there! I don't know how I would have made it through without her love and support. I love the fact that we only see each other but once a year and when we do everything is like it always was. In fact, it's almost been a year since the last time I saw her and it will have been over a year by the time I get to California to see her smiling face again. When I get there she will have a daughter too! That's right, she's pregnant with number three. I don't know how her and her husband do it. I have total respect for them. Having a child of my own now, I can appreciate a lot of the things in her life I didn't quite understand before. As hard as I tried, and for as much as I thought I understood, I only understood a fraction. I'm so thankful for Emily!

I'm thankful this year I was able to reconnect with an old friend whom I've known since I was in grade school. She and I had talked some during the years following high school but it seemed as if we'd gone in different directions. Little did I know we were living almost similar lives....almost, not entirely. She married a man who was also in the military. Though Nick is in the military I've never had to live without him in our home for more than three weeks. Katie had to live without her husband for six months, and right after they got married. She was alone (as in her husband wasn't there, I'm pretty sure she went home to be with family as not the be completely alone) for their first Christmas and first anniversary and for some other really life changing events. I can't relate to that by any means, but I can appreciate her strength as a loving wife, for being understanding and living through the challenges life threw at her without the love of her life physically by her side (he was in spirit, thought and prayer). It must have been challenging for both of them on many, many levels. I'm thankful when we met up for the first time in YEARS we were able to pick up where we left off and reconnect. Our husbands connected too, which is always an added bonus! We were able to talk about the old times and share things with each other we'd never shared before and let go of things we'd held onto. What a trip!

I'm so very thankful to have made a new friend right down the road from us who's going through almost exactly what I'm going through. I absolutely look up to Meredith. She is such a strong woman. She and I were pregnant at the same time only she was due two weeks after me. She had some complications and ended up having her beautiful daughter at 31 weeks gestation....six weeks before Kailey was born. I remember when she told me about her daughter being born I was so interested in knowing the story about what happened I forgot to ask her if they needed help with anything. I felt like such a dope later. Luckily we connected later and started a friendship I know will last a lifetime. She and I pack the babes up in the Moby Wraps and walk around the block. We stop at Tim Horton's on most days and pick up some coffee and cider and then walk and talk and share the things going on in life. I'm pretty excited our daughters will get to be buddies for the remainder of our time here in Rochester. What's also pretty awesome  is that her husband and mine like to hunt and go fly fishing together. Double score there! I think it's safe to say we are both happy to have a woman in our lives we can relate to, bitch at and ask advice from. What a sweet deal.

I don't know how Nick and I lucked out, but we did. We have the best neighbors in the universe....and that's an understatement. They have always looked out for us and made us feel like we have family here. It's pretty awesome that tomorrow we're having our neighborhood Thanksgiving dinner. It all started when Julie wanted to have dinner at her house because they always end up out of town on the "real" Thanksgiving day (is started last year). We all enjoyed it so much we're doing it again this year. I love the camaraderie, humor, love and support on our streets (we live on a loop, but half is one road and half is another!). There's nothing like this home away from home and the adopted family we've inherited. Priceless. I guess I could say I'm pretty thankful I went with the house Nick really loved when we were house hunting because I keep thinking about how different our lives in Rochester would have been otherwise. I wasn't in love with any of the other houses anyway.

Oh the hubby. How I'm thankful for him in ways I can't even count. He's so flipping amazing. Nick takes such good care of me, and now Kailey too. He's always been really in tune with me but for some reason it always amazes me when he calls me out on it. For example, the other day he said he noticed I was being so quiet. I guess I really hadn't noticed, but he was right. It seems as of lately I'm off in my own little world. I feel like I'm indecisive about almost anything and I have no desire to do anything...except yoga and running. The thing is, I wasn't cleared to do either of those things until today. Now I can stop day dreaming about it and do them. But back to Nick. I can't tell you how much this man goes out of his way to make sure things run smoothly and feel comfortable. There is a calm within me that comes from him. I really am married to my best friend. I thank him often and tell him how amazing he is for all he does. I couldn't have asked for a better communicator, protector, provider or husband.

I'm thankful for the little bundle of love sleeping next to me as I write this. We're downstairs, in the dark, on the couch because she was fussy and Daddy wanted to get some z's early so he could get up and go hunting. I'm thankful for the patience I'm learning through her, the over abundance of love I never thought I was capable of and for the adventures we have and will have together. I feel as if she's teaching me how to love myself more, because of the patience I'm learning. There's nothing on this earth like being a mother....nothing. And I'm thankful to be a mother and have such a sweet little family.

There are many, many other things and people I am thankful for, but now I feel like I can lay down and fall asleep. I am truly blessed, loved and happy. What else could a woman ask for?

Where is your breath?

They say when you're pregnant it gets harder to breathe as time goes on and the baby gets bigger and pushes on your lungs. I found this a true statement, but not all the time in my case. It was mostly when I was sitting on the couch or in certain positions sleeping (especially if Nick was snuggled with me with his arm over me). I went to yoga classes during my pregnancy so I kept up with a pranayama practice of some sort. For those of you reading who may not know what pranayama is, it's the act of breathing. Prana means life force and yama means control. So, basically in a yoga practice, pranayama means to control the life force which ultimately is your breath. Think about it; if you're not breathing you're not living.

About two days ago I sat down to meditate and started doing Dirgha Pranayama...the "Complete Breath". I was noticing as I got to the third part of the breath, where you feel your collar bone rise, I couldn't really take in any more air (crazy because I remember breathing in so much more before!). It was almost as if my lungs were in a panic to take in more air, but they were already pretty full. It was a strange sensation. I kept practicing. I'm not sure how much better it got, but I know it will. I used to be able to inhale what seemed like massive amounts of oxygen. Of course I now realize the saying that people only use a small percentage of their lungs when they breath is true. Fact of the matter is, for 3-4 months my lungs shared their space with the precious baby I had growing inside and I couldn't have inhaled like I was before. What I didn't realize is just how much of my lungs were compromised. For a few seconds I was pretty sad I couldn't inhale what to me used to be a full breath. I really enjoy Dirgha Pranayama and all it's benefits. It's is very calming for me and can soothe any ones nerves...try it. It's also a good breath for me when I'm meditating because I'm focused on the breath and not the thoughts in my mind. This last time I did it though, I was not thinking about the three parts of the breath I was thinking about how much I couldn't breath :(

My experience shows just how much we take our lungs for granted. These precious organs are so large they take up most of the chest cavity. In fact lungs are so over sized, a good portion of the lung is not used as mentioned above. Because they are over sized  some smokers have no notice of the decrease in lung function while they are still or moving slowly. Only a small part of their lungs are being used. Also, because the lungs have such a large capacity it is possible for a human to live with only one. Isn't that nuts!?! The two lungs within your chest may seem identical but they are not. The lung on the left side of your chest is smaller allowing space for that other precious organ in your body...your heart.

We breath on a daily basis without thinking about it. Did you know you breath in and out 15-25 times per minute without even thinking about it?

Bring awareness to your breath today and don't take these precious lungs for granted. If you're smiling on the inside, you're smiling on the outside :)

Ain't love the sweetest thing?!

Sometimes things just click. For some reason this song popped in my head the morning after we brought Kailey home from the hospital and I couldn't get it out. So I asked Nick to put it on. It was a great way to start the morning, with a smile and a great song. It's always kind of reminded me of Nick and me because he says "a blue eyed boy meets a brown eyed girl"....and that's our story...now we have a blue eyed, maybe brown eyed girl (her eyes are starting to get a little brown in the center). I know this song is kind of a sad song because he's singing about losing his girl, but really love is the sweetest thing. But what's even sweeter than that, when your baby girl starts smiling. Priceless. My heart was already overflowing with love for her before, but when I see her smile, and she's still working on getting the whole smile, my heart just melts all over and I feel all warm and fuzzy inside....literally. I sent a picture of her almost smile to Nick this morning and he replied..."sweet" to which I replied..."the sweetest thing in the world". True story. It's also kind of weird because somehow I ended up calling her Sweet Sweets, Sweets or Sug. She really is sweet in my book. I'm one proud Mama who's really in love with her Sweet Sweet.



Sweets



Take care of yourself

Seems that once you become a parent a lot of things change. Aside from the obvious changes there are emotions, physical and mental changes. Some days you're overwhelmed with love, some days you're exhausted from no sleep and dragging ass, and other days you feel like you can't think straight because you're tired as hell and still dragging ass. The last few days I've realized I'm not giving myself the time I need to be mentally sound. I never really knew how to be alone until my senior year in high school when I was seeing a counsellor. I realized I always had to be near people or talking on the phone etc. I was not in anyway comfortable being alone with myself. She encouraged me to take a day and be alone. So I picked out a good CD and put myself in the car and drove to Murphy's to walk around the stores and just see how being "alone" worked out. I was hooked after that. Don't get me wrong, I still love to be around people, and especially people whom I love dearly, but there's a time to be one with myself and just let the webs of my brain untangle. I think one of the mom's from The Art Of Love series I was listening to said it perfectly, "I need to go find my patience". Though I don't know I would ever tell Kailey that like that mom told her child, I think it's absolutely correct, in my world anyways. For me, I need to have some time. I need to be alone and enjoy that time. I don't even need to be doing anything. I could go for a walk, go window shopping, or real shopping or even take a bath. Just so I have "me" time and take care of me. If I don't do that I can't be 100% for Nick or for Kailey.
I realized on Thursday I wasn't doing this for myself. I wasn't even asking Nick to take Kailey so I could go for a walk or anything. I got stuck in the rut of wanting to have family time when Nick got home and then didn't get out. This wasn't giving Nick and Kailey/Daddy time either which he enjoys. But I didn't realize this until the middle of the night when Kailey was having a night of being up every two hours. I was exhausted, tired and pissy with no reason to really be pissy. I knew Nick was going to be going out that morning to scope out a spot for hunting and I was going to be home with Kailey. I have no issues with Nick hunting, but that's when it occurred to me that Nick was doing a good job at still doing the things he loved, making time for himself and still being here to be a family. I wasn't and for some reason I was pissed about it. Luckily I have an amazing husband who listened to my concerns and then asked what we needed to do to make it right. Now I just have to find my voice again, ask for help and take care of myself too. Always a work in progress right!?!

Letting go and accepting change.

I've found myself listening to some seminar type things called The Art of Love on lovesummit.com. It's basically about couples and things they can do to keep the spark, keep communication flowing easily, and to keep a relationship fun and healthy. Though my relationship isn't on the rocks or even anywhere near them for that matter, I like to hear these things just in case there's something I might learn. I mean, we can learn from anything no matter how small or big, but we can learn. So today I was listening to yesterdays seminar. It was three women talking about keeping things sexy though you have children. There were a lot of good points and a lot of things I just tossed into my "recycle bin". One of the things that really resonated with me today was when one of them said to let go of trying to perform for everyone. Let go of trying to be a perfect parent and perfect spouse. Let yourself just be. This is something I struggle with on a daily basis. There's always that voice in the back of my head telling me I could do better. Example. Today I got a call from the boss asking me to take care of something I didn't really feel was something I should be asked to take care of. I was pretty upset about the whole thing and got off the phone. Then Kailey was crying and I was starting to get frustrated because I wasn't sure what to do for her. I'd tried the three main things, diaper, feeding, gas bubble....nothin'. I had to calmly remind myself to take a deep breath and not get any more frustrated because really I wasn't even frustrated about her being upset I was frustrated about work stuff. Then the guilt started. How could I be so frustrated and it's not even her fault? I don't want her to feel my anxiety and think it's her. Deep breath....let go. It didn't occur to me until later when I was eating dinner that I was holding onto that "perfect mother" idea the woman had been talking about. Lesson learned...now to apply it to life in the future. She also brought up the point of "clearing the past". In other words letting go of things that happened in the past like your parents not doing this, or missing out on that etc etc. If you're not holding onto those things it's easier to have a clean slate and make parental choices on your own.
It's now Autumn and the leaves have started falling. I got up Saturday morning and went into the bathroom to get ready for the day. When I looked outside it looked like it was snowing....big bright yellow leaves. They were all falling from the top of the tree. The crazy thing was how they kept falling and never stopped. I was searching each branch, looking for the squirrel I thought was running around making them all fall, but there was no squirrel. I went downstairs and let Libs out of her crate and took her outside. I was standing there in awe staring at the tree watching the leaves and then I heard them. It was the coolest thing to hear each little patter as the leaves fell from the tree. Autumn on the east coast never stops amazing me. Autumn is a time of change. It's kind of ironic how my life has taken such a change during this part of the year. A few months ago there was an article in Yoga Journal about how people really don't accept change. It really got me thinking about how true that is. People resist change so much. If only they could go with the flow and let go of the things that are not important they would see it's not all bad. Change can bring good things. Change is important for growth and renewal. There's a part of me that really grasps onto change and understands how important it is. I feel as if I'm always able to adapt well to new things and for that I am thankful.