A few nights ago Nick had to stand duty. Usually I would be happy to have my time to myself, but not lately. Only becuase I'm not completely comfortable our house. I miss the comfort, warmth and loving neighborhood in Rochester. I've been tossing aroud the idea of weaning Kailey off the breast since I'm probably going back to school come September. I fed her and down she went. About an hour or so later she woke up. I rushed in and scooped her up. I wasn't going to breast feed her. Key word, wasn't. She calmed down pretty quickly without the breast and I sat in the glider with her for a few minutes until I could feel her twitching with sleep. As soon as I put her in the crib she was awake and upset again. This time, there was no calming her down. Nothing I did seemed to work. I tried walking around in the living room. I tried sitting in the glider with her. Nothing. I could feel my anxiety and anger welling up. "Why won't she sleep through the night like she was before we moved? Why did I get up with her everytime she made a peep when we were staying with people when we were waiting for our stuff to get here, now she won't soothe herself? How can I help her to sleep better?" All these things bombarding my thoughts. I tried to console myself with the mantra Om Mani Padme Hum. (I once read about having a mantra you use anytime, all the time, rather than thinking...that's the mantra I picked). It seemed to work for a while, but I could still feel anger as she wouldn't calm down. I haven't felt anger like that since well before Sweets was born. That kind of anger made me afraid to be a parent, and then I figured out how to control it. "Why am I so angry all of a sudden? Why can't I be calm and collected like I was in Rochester? Why have I not ventured out more to find yoga places and people? Why am I not meditating like I did in Rochester?" Needless to say, I ended up breast feeding her and she went right to sleep.
She still won't sleep through the night, and it's getting me down. Actually it's becoming exhausting (she's up every hour and a half to two hours). The nights are more tough when it's me by myself and no Nick to ask for help.
Here are a few quotes I found to help me remember to live right here, right now:
"Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past are certain to miss the future."
John F. Kennedy
"Learn from the past, look to the future, but live in the present."
Petra Nemcova
I learned so much from my past in Rochester. How to love myself and others, how to listen, how to slow down and most of all how to live. In the words of my husband, "Instead of being sad about not having all the "Rochester" stuff here, be positive about applying it to now."
Oh, Rena. Know you aren't alone. When you are up every two hours, know that I am thinking of you. Sleeping in our house is VERY similar, the same feelings of resentment and irritation bombarding my quite often. "Why won't he just sleep through the night?"
ReplyDeleteLearning to live in the moment is a challenge all in itself. It's tough. Sending you so much love.
Thank you Kailey! I know there are many moms out there thinkin he same thing. I just have to remember she's changing constantly too, this time will pass. Moment by moment we keep plugging along. Thanks for the positive thoughts and love :)
DeleteChange is difficult in ways that can be hard to describe. I always remember what I call the "three month rule" when adjusting to somewhere new. Tell yourself, "Three months from now, things will feel much more normal and settled." It usually works. :) I think once you start school, your new routine will come together and it will feel more like a brand new adventure.
ReplyDeleteHave you thought about pumping for Kailey when you go back to school, or do you think it's more the physical proximity she is attached to? I think there are probably some good resources out there on this topic; let me know if you want me to do a little research for you.
I have no more words of wisdom for you... I know you know in your heart that things will get easier with time and patience... soon, you will have a new normal, incorporating the lessons you learned about yourself in Rochester with your new reality.
This is a long comment! Love you, Weenie. Call, write, or text whenever you need anything.
Thanks Deed!
DeleteI hate to say it, but it'll be three months in a few weeks! I'll just be graceful and give myself three months from when school starts :) That's goin to take some adjusting for sure!!!
For Kailey it's more of a comfort thing these days. She really only wants to be bf when she is going to sleep, in the middle of the night, or when she's wicked pissed. I worry about nap time without booby juice. I don't know if I'm producing enough to pump right now. I do know they recommend at least a year and she is almost there. Making this decision is hard and I feel a ton of guilt, all for another post. Haha
Love you!
I love that you said "wicked pissed"! Made me giggle out loud (GOL?).
DeleteYeah, give yourself ANOTHER three months. It activates starting now. ;)
Have to keep the east coast alive baby! Wicked pissed all day! We have been using the phrase a bunch, especially after Nick's adventure to Boston.
DeleteYou are in the midst of so many changes. Try to find the time for your practice. You know in your heart how much it will help. Your practice is constant, regardless of where or when you are. I want to share with you another quote. A lovely young woman from Latvia sat at the bonfire of the yoga festival over the weekend and sang Three Little Birds by Bob Marley. Benny has been singing it all day. Perhaps it was meant for you. "Every little thing gonna be alright."
ReplyDelete