Who Am I (Part 3)

A Mother (to be)

Let me start off by saying there was a short time I was really considering not having children. I mean, I always wanted children, but then I started facing some stuff from my past, mostly anger issues, and thought maybe it would be better if I didn't have a child I could "mess up".

Once I'd sorted through my issues, for the most part since I feel we never really sort ALL the way through anything, Nick and I decided the time was right to start a family. We had a trip planned to New Zealand and the whole idea was to start our family while we were there. Only because we wanted to taunt our child later on and tell them they were made in New Zealand, in a camper van! But plans changed. I ended up being almost 2 months pregnant by the time our trip came around, and that's two months regular people time, not gestational. I have still yet to figure all that business out, and I'm only 3 weeks away from the babe coming.

I got lucky. I didn't end up having morning sickness at all during the first trimester. Don't get me wrong, there were days when my stomach didn't feel right or when things just didn't sound good to eat at all, but I never ended up getting sick. I feel blessed being as how we were on our vacation in New Zealand for two weeks. I was tired though. We would drive all day from one town to the next and then I would have to tell Nick I needed a nap. I couldn't sleep while we were driving. I guess there was a part of me that didn't want to miss anything we were driving past, but then I also was a bit nervous as we were driving on the different side of the road.

The night before I found out we were pregnant I had a dream about having a baby. In my dream the MD was telling me she had to do a c-section. I already knew, in real life, I would have to have a c-section due to a myomectomy I had in 2008. But, I kept telling her no! I knew I could deliver the baby on my own, I just needed to meditate and breathe. So then I grabbed Nick and told him to start meditating with me and to breathe, and then, the baby was born. It was a boy. I woke up. Back to real life. When I woke up I got up with Nick as he was getting ready for work. I usually don't, but it was our two year anniversary and I wanted to see him off. I decided to take a pregnancy test that morning too. I wasn't late or anything, actually it was a day early, but I thought it would be awesome to find out on our anniversary. So I took the test and didn't expect much. But then there was the word "pregnant" on the little screen. I almost started crying but I was too shocked. It's pretty strange that even when you're trying to get pregnant it's still shocking to get the positive test. I went down stairs and told Nick and showed him the test. Poor guy didn't know what to think, say or feel because he was just about to leave for work. I mean, he was excited, but he couldn't really share in the celebration at that moment. We did celebrate later though with a really nice dinner that night at Rooney's.

After I got the positive test there were so many things running through my head. Not to mention all the different emotions. I was scared. What if something happened or I have a miscarriage? What if I don't know what to do? What if I'm a bad Mom? How are Nick and I going to handle a huge change? Will we be able to afford a child and still have a level of financial comfort? How am I going to do this with all of my family being on the west coast? I was excited. Oh, my goodness I'm going to be a Mama, and this is going to be so fun. I was sad. My life was about to change in roughly 9 months (for the better, but there's still some element of sadness. I can't really explain it, and I know it may sound selfish, but it's there).

There is some selfish element I have that made the beginning of pregnancy kind of hard for me. I felt like I was giving up a lot and for what? I know this doesn't make sense, but let me explain. I couldn't weed eat the back yard anymore because when I tried I almost passed out. I couldn't have a nice cold beer with a burger and it was beginning to be summer and hot. I couldn't just go and go and go anymore because it was exhausting. I think I felt this way (selfish and frustrated) because I still felt normal, and my body looked like it always had. It was as if nothing was different, but I had to make a whole life style change. Of course, I know it was for something, and something well worth the change, but it was frustrating to have to slow down. And then things really slowed down.

I woke up one morning and I couldn't pee. I tried and tried and tried with no luck. So I called my MD and she told me to go to the ER. I called Nick and let him know and they sent him home from work. I ended up sitting in the ER all day, with a full bladder. They wanted it to stay full so they could do an ultrasound and see through the damned thing. Let me tell you, it was so painful. Not only was I in the psych room in the ER where there was nothing on the walls and had a door that if shut would lock me in there, but I was pacing (probably looked like I should have been in the psych). I couldn't sit and I couldn't lay down. They had me pee in a cup, what little I could to make sure I didn't have a bladder infection. I knew I didn't because I've had one before and know what they feel like. I've also had kidney stones and know what those feel like and it wasn't that either, but they never listen. It's hard when one knows their body really well and people won't listen. Anyways, once they got the ultrasound they saw that my bladder was actually on top of my uterus and not below it. So, my bladder was on the uterus, which was on my ureter, smashing it and making it impossible to get any relief. Finally the MD comes in and puts a catheter in me. RELIEF! She sends me home and tells me to call the office in the morning and they would know more what to do. In the mean time she was going to have a specialist look at all my records. She also advised me I could get on all fours on the bed and jump up and down and it would possibly help my uterus move up where it was supposed to be. Was she crazy? How in the hell was I was supposed to get on all fours and jump up and down with a catheter hose hanging out? What if I landed on the damned thing and then pulled it out? No way!  It would have been nice if I could have done some yoga too and maybe done some inversion poses, but nope couldn't even help myself that way either. If I'd gotten into an inversion all the urine would have ran back up the catheter and into my body and could have caused infection. Blah! I figured this was just what I had to go through because I didn't get morning sickness. And a weekend with a catheter was nothing.

After that incident all has been well. I've had a couple times where I've felt dizzy or nauseous, but other than that, smooth ride. I feel really lucky too.

Pregnancy has been a pretty spiritual journey for me and such a learning experience. There were times when I knew my hormones were making me upset about trivial stuff so I would just be quiet and try to sort through it. Well Nick noticed me being quiet and wondered if he'd done something wrong. I had to learn how to communicate to him that it was ok, nothing he'd done and I just had to sort through it. It very well could have been something he said, but I knew it wasn't anything to get crazy about because I knew I could get way out of control and upset, angry or hurt over something that wouldn't be worth it in the end. My mind has never worked like that. It's always worked in the "jump to conclusions" kind of way and rush to a rash decision and get pissed or hurt. All this was new, and to think it was happening when I was pregnant. Wasn't I supposed to be a raging bitch? Wasn't I supposed to be crying all the time? Wasn't I supposed to be demanding? Ok, so I had elements of all of the above, but nothing like I ever imagined because I was working through it.

The babe:
There really is nothing like feeling the baby move for the first time. I actually thought I had a twitch in my stomach muscle. Then about 5 minutes later realized I was such a dope, and it was the baby moving! Haha. I wanted Nick to feel it so bad. I wanted to share with him this milestone. He wouldn't be able to feel the baby move for weeks to come though. I would always tell him when the baby was moving. I always put his hand on my belly too, just in case. I remember the first time he felt the movement. He thought it was a burp bubble coming up! It was hilarious. Now he can feel the baby all the time and I think the baby knows when he's got his hand on my belly. It had me laughing one night. Nick was snuggled up behind me with his hand on my belly and then the babe kept kicking his hand. Then I would get an elbow on the other side of my belly and a kick again to Nick's hand. What an amazing thing growing a life can be.

There comes a time in a woman's pregnancy where it really hits her that there's life growing inside. I can't even explain how that makes me feel. Through all the frustration and all the discomfort there is a pride, a love and overwhelming feeling. I can't imagine how much more I could love someone but I know as soon as I see my child it will be a well of love bubbling over. I can't wait. I can't wait to share the baby with Nick. Men don't get all the fun times we do for 9 months. They don't get to feel the baby moving all the time. Nick once said he was bored with pregnancy because I was the only one that got to play with the baby. In three weeks Nick will get to play with our baby and I can't wait to give him that. I can't wait to see all the love he has for the babe and for me and for our little family. What a blessing an honor to be a Mother.