Silent Breakfast

It's Sunday morning and I'm here on my last morning at Kripalu. Traditionally the morning meals are to be enjoyed in silence. This doesn't always happen as people sometimes can not allow themselves to have a moment of silence when surrounded by people. Usually I would be with a group of my yogis, sitting around the table nibbling on our healthy meal. This morning was different. I felt a call to do my own thing. I thought being away for the weekend I would find some rest, sleeping the whole night through. Not so. I have gone to bed at 12 or later every night and been awake around 5 or 6AM. This morning my room mate Cindy wanted to get up and go to the 6:30AM class. I had every intention of going and enjoying one last Kripalu class but the warmth of my bed was much more inviting. I laid there for a few minutes after she left. When I finally got out of bed I was wrestling with two choices, shower and eat breakfast (and my tummy was bare!) or meditate in the Swami Kripalu meditation room, then shower and then eat. I went with choice one. Showered and clean, I started to walk to the kitchen for my lone breakfast. At Kripalu there are large silver wall hangings with different inspirational quotes on them. I noticed one I'd walked by all weekend, without reading, that stuck out to me. I wish I'd written it down but I didn't. All I remember is that it was by Waldo Emerson. More importantly though was how I'd noticed I wasn't paying attention to details.

I've only once been to a restaurant alone in my whole life. But there's something different about going to a lunchroom and being with a bunch of like minded beings. I started down the buffet line: creamy rice cereal (I love hot cereals for breakfast), a poached egg with some veggies, a little sweet potato home fries, a ginger oat scone (I WILL find the recipe for those), prunes, apple cider, English breakfast tea and some vanilla soy milk for my tea. As you can see I'd been living meat free, by choice, for the last few days. After filling my plate I walked to the back of the room, all the while thinking to myself I should try sitting in the center of a table not in the back corner. It was probably my ego telling me if I sit in the back I'm a sad, depressed woman who likes to be hidden. However, the back corner was calling to me. I sat down and started shoveling food into my face. It probably wasn't that dramatic but after I'd glanced over and noticed a man enjoying his bowl full of goodness with his eyes closed I realized that was the point. To eat in silence, slow down and enjoy what I was given. Though I didn't go so far as to close my eyes, I did intentionally slow down my eating pace and notice what I was putting in my mouth. The texture of those glorious prunes, the way the greens (may have been kale, not entirely sure) pared well with the poached eggs, the way the scones were moist and delicious while still having that scone dryness to them. The apple cider was delicious. I'm guilty as all sin when it comes to enjoying a beverage. I often guzzle it down as if I'm parched and haven't had a drink in ages. The cinnamon and apple blended well. The cider tasted pressed this morning, not concentrated, frozen stuff mixed with water. I started looking around and noticing all the different types of people coming and going. I could hear the subtle sounds of people cracking the shell of their hard boiled eggs. There was a woman waving her arms in front of the man she was with as if to wake him from a dream. Two people walked into the room I knew, the rest of them were in the morning sadhana. I was sending out subtle energy, hoping either of them would come sit next to me, alone in the back corner. Neither of them got my universal plea! Then, Cheryl walked into the kitchen. I noticed her as she was walking my way. I was finished with my breakfast by this time, sitting, enjoying, watching, and sipping on my tea. She gently set her tray down and then mouthed, "How are you?" to which I smiled and gave her a thumbs up. She went to get some tea and I almost burst into tears. Was I really ok? Where were theses tears coming from? Maybe I was missing my family? I was loosing my will and desire to remain silent. I gently whispered to Cheryl, "I can't wait to see my daughter." She acknowledged and said, "I bet." I got up and went to get another scone and some of those wonderfully, juicy, mushy prunes. While eating I would intentionally put my fork down after every bite and savor the flavors and textures. As I was reveling in my prunes it struck me, if I'm missing my daughter after two nights away from her, how is my mother feeling? I've lived away from her for almost three years. Only seeing her for a short time twice during the three years. It's amazing the things becoming a parent draws out of me. "I need to go write this down," is all I kept thinking. I whispered to Cheryl I was going to go meditate (which I didn't do because I knew I needed to blog about the whole experience before it left me). I also told her I realized how important having a silent breakfast with myself was, not realizing she would think she'd intruded. I later explained to her how having her sit down with me was exactly what I needed at that moment. For some reason her sitting down brought to surface some emotions. I haven't figured out what those emotions were.

Breakfast was a lesson for me; to slow down and enjoy things, especially the little things. I haven't been taking the time to be with myself the way I should; to really immerse myself with silence, kindness and exploration. Aside from the monumental treasures I found about myself in Stephen Cope's workshop, I will take this gem home with me and hopefully apply it to my crazy life!

Ahimsa

I have been teaching yoga!!! Yay :) It's been a wonderful experience. I was pretty nervous about it the first few times but now I'm looking forward to Thursday nights. I have one very loyal student who comes every week. She's actually the inspiration to start teaching from my home. She's a good friend and neighbor who found out she has MS. All of our neighbors had been gathered in our house for a holiday get together and she was giving us the update on her status. My reply, of course, was to do yoga. She immediately jumped on the opportunity and we've been getting together every week since. (Except for a couple weeks that were pretty crazy with selling our house, but that's another story).

I've been trying to incorporate a theme into some of my classes. Luckily my friends at Infinite Light Yoga keep me in their loop,  keeping me on the same pages as them. I've been using the same themes they use for the week, although sometimes a week behind them. The first week I started incorporating a theme was the week they practiced Ahimsa, or non-violence.

Ahimsa is the first of the five Yamas (restrictions) of yoga, the Yamas being first of the eight limbs of yoga. To practice ahimsa means to be kind to all living things, including animals. Of course we can not always practice non violence toward bugs we may step on, or squirrels we may run over because it would be more harmful to stop our car in the middle of traffic. The belief is that all living things are connected. That is the reason some yogis go so far as to become vegetarian. Harming another would be to harm yourself. Non violence to oneself, I believe, is probably harder than being non violent to others. Often times we are so hard on ourselves, physically, emotionally and mentally. For example, I was feeling pretty guilty at the beginning of my motherhood adventure if I couldn't get to Kailey right away when she was crying (a past blog post for those of you wondering more about this). I realized it was making me sad and decided to let it go (easier said than done). I could only do what I could do. In a way I was taking the non violent path with myself and not beating myself up because I couldn't be there every second. Another example of being violent with oneself could be forcing the body to do things it really shouldn't or doesn't want to do....like drinking another glass of wine even though you know it's too much (over eating is a form of violence to yourself also), doing drugs or smoking, lifting something that's too heavy because you have no one to help you, forcing yourself to run that extra mile even when your body is screaming stop, and the obvious in yoga, forcing your body into a pose because you want to look "perfect" or you want to be doing it "all the way" with no modifications. When you're doing a pose the way it feels delicious in your body, it is perfect.

Let's be honest, you have to be honest with yourself to practice non violence. You have to honor what your body is telling you. Let go of what you think you should be and be what you are, enjoy the body you have and continue to honor it at all times. Someone once said, "Yoga practice is not about doing the perfect pose, it's about the experience." Non violence begins with our thoughts and our ego. We have to be non violent in our thoughts to be non violent in our actions. These two things are closely connected. If we are constantly thinking about how ugly, fat, stupid and unattractive we are, we will never honor our physical body. Practicing non violent thoughts doesn't mean to be non violent with thoughts of ourselves only. Judging others is a form of violence. The hardest thing for me to do is to be non violent with the person cutting me off in traffic, or with the woman who is moving slowly in the grocery store when I just want to be done and on my way home. Man do my judgemental thoughts come rushing in. I didn't really notice it so much until I started to research ahimsa and ways I could bring it into my classes.

Overall, the theme for that yoga class came through loud and clear. Lori told me a week or two later how she was doing something and realized she wasn't practicing ahimsa towards her body. I was smiling, knowing I'd actually woven something into a class that someone would hold onto.

I just have to add this picture of Sweets because I went in to check on her and she had her hand in this little mudra. It made me smile. Maybe she's a yogini after all :)