Cup is always full

I have loved watching every second of Kailey's growth and progress. To watch the wonder in her eyes as she's discovering new things brings so much wonder to my own being. There really is nothing like watching a child figure out their hands are theirs, watch them grab at their feet and watch them pick things up for the first time. It was actually bizarre to see her holding her binky the first few times. Both Nick and I were saying, "Are you seeing this? Look how she's holding it so she can see it!" See, we were in complete wonder watching the babe.

She's started rolling over occasionally. She's done it three times so far. I've only actually witnessed it once though. Yesterday she was on the bed while I was working and she was getting almost to the point of being on the fussy side. All of a sudden it went a lot quieter. I turned to look and the stinker was on her belly. She'd rolled over and pushed herself up to look around. That was a first. She hadn't quite figured out how to move her arm out of the way to get all the way onto her belly.

One of the weirdest things for me so far is looking at Kailey and seeing myself. I don't mean in her mannerisms, but actually seeing me, in her little face. It's like looking at a tiny me. The first time I actually saw me in her face kind of spooked me. There's really no way to explain why it was spooky, it just was. I've also seen a bit of my brother, dad, cousin, and Nick in her. She's a pretty good mix of Narruhn and James if you ask me!

A couple weeks ago I had to walk around and around in circles in our house with Kailey in the Moby Sling because she was not comfortable at all. She finally calmed down and started to snooze but I wasn't about to stop walking. The poor girl needed a nap....bad. So I picked a book from my shelf and started reading it while I was walking around, (I was trying to be on the quieter side so Nick could finish his homework). Anyways, the book I happened to pick up is called Yoga Gems. It's a bunch of little blips about different ideals and practices of yoga. Inspirations. One of the passages from the Taming the Emotions section stuck out to me and I decided then to share it:
Joy Beyond Fun
"I dont' think any sensitive person can be satisfied with having fun, no matter how much of it we may cram into our lives. Our need is not for pleasure but for joy-a deep sense of fulfillment that not only never leaves us but actually increases with the passage of time. Fun is living for ourselves; joy comes from living for others, giving our time and love to a purpose greater than ourselves." -Eknath Easwaran
This passage stood out to me because almost every bit of it reminded me of being a wife, a mother, and also a yogini. Really none of those "titles" as we'll call them are about living for yourself. Being a mother has taught me just how important it is to set yourself aside (also how much my parents put aside for me to make things happen). Not always, I mean you have to have some personal time to be the best spouse or parent you can. More often than not I'll choose to pass on the pedicure to get something for Kailey, or pass on going for a run because she needs a little Mama time to play. I have been the happiest in my life being a wife and being a mother. My cup is overflowing with joy, with love and with happiness.

Bad Dream

Last night I was dreaming about being on a ship or boat of some kind. Kailey was sitting with a bunch of people around her while I was standing near by talking with people. Then all of a sudden there was chaos and people were arguing over Kailey. I immediately panicked. Then all I see is her being pushed and pulled and then it was like they were tromping over her. As I was trying to get to her she ended up on the bottom of the boat, laying face down with her face under some water. I went to lunge for her.....waking myself up because I was actually lunging in real life (not sure how I didn't fall out of bed). I calmed myself down and then calmed myself back to sleep. It helped that Nick snuggled up with me. I don't think he realized what happened. When I apologized this morning for maybe waking him up he was oblivious. I have a feeling I was subconsciously worried about her. Last night after I fed her, we were sitting in the glider, gliding away. She was snuggled up on my chest sleeping. I always like to give her 10 minutes snuggled on my chest because she doesn't always give me a burp  and I've found it helps her not spit up. Of course, we'd been sitting there for more than 10 minutes because I was enjoying the snuggle time and the quiet. Then out of no where she started crying. I'm not talking a nice little whining cry, I'm talking full on howling. I stood up and tried to walk or dance her back into calm (not sure how that was going to help being as we were already gliding away) and it didn't help. I  felt myself starting to get upset and I almost cried. I just said, "Lord please help my child" and then she calmed down. It was weird, scary and unsettling. I guess that's all part of being a parent. It's really unnerving when you can't console your child though. I'm not entirely sure if it was a dream or her teeth. I feel like she's been in an uncomfortable state lately. Poor girl.

Dreams.....I've been having lots of weird ones. Very vivid, and very much subliminal messages I think. Haven't figured out what that last one was about, but I'm going to go on to tell about a pretty heavy message from one I had about a week ago or so.
Kailey had been having a rough night. She was up about every hour and a half or so. I'd already fed her and changed her and knew she was just upset so I asked Nick if he would go try to calm her down. He got out of bed and went and sat with her in the glider for about 15 minutes. Then he put her back in the crib. I could hear her rustling around in there so I went to see if I could help too. Nick was standing there over her in the crib. I immediately snapped at him, "You can't stand there over her, she's going to want to play with you!" He said he was just trying to calm her down. I was completely frustrated by this time. I think from a lack of sleep and because I couldn't figure out what the heck to do to make her more comfortable. I got some Tylenol and started to give it to her and tucked her in good and tight. Nick went downstairs. I figured he was getting some water, but he was getting the couch ready to sleep on. He came up and took Kailey downstairs. I was furious by this point. I told him he couldn't do that because she would get used to sleeping with someone in the middle of the night (like one night's going to make a difference, right?!?! Also, she was just nuzzled on my chest after eating). He assured me he was only trying to do what he thought was right and knew I wasn't getting any sleep. He wanted me to try and get some rest. Well, it was 3:30AM at this time. I was so pissed off I couldn't sleep. Luckily my best friend was up because she'd just had her baby and was up in the middle of the night feeding Gwen. I got to vent a bit through texting. I still didn't go back to sleep though. At 6 I finally got out of bed and started working. Nick brought Kailey up and started to get ready for work. I went in to feed Kailey and then went back to bed. I fell asleep...finally. Then I had a dream. I dreamt I was driving Batman around. The only thing was, I was having a hard time controlling the car because I was driving from the back seat. The car felt so heavy and awkward. I skimmed a fence and was all over the place. We finally go to the cave and we were going in to make the rescue. All of a sudden I WAS Batman. The Scarecrow was there trowing axes at us. I was watching them whizz by....by the way, I have no idea who "us" is....just me and some random persons in my dream. I knew we had to get out of the cave because instinct told me there were more bad guys coming our way. As we were trying to exit the cave a blonde woman got injured. I was trying so hard to get her out of the cave but she was so heavy. I was struggling so much trying to pull her out (like when you're trying to run or fly in your dream but you just can't). Right before I had to decide to leave her and save myself or keep trying I woke up. Here's the lesson from this dream: Let go. There's so much going on in our life right now. We're finally having it all sink in we're moving. Neither of us have really allowed ourselves to deal with that big idea. While we're excited to be going closer to home, there's so many great people we'll be leaving behind. It's one thing to move away from family....you know you can always go home to them and they will come to you. Friends in other places though, it's hard. You say you'll visit, they say they'll visit, but sometimes that's not reality. So, I'm carrying this all around with me. Trying so hard to pull it around, this heavy feeling of leaving. I also realized I was trying  to hard to control the situation with Nick and Kailey in the night. Being a parent in a marriage is not about one controlling everything, it's about being a team. Nick was being a team player, taking one for the team, and I just got pissed about it. How's that for team work? I quickly sent him an apologetic text to make sure he knew I appreciated what he'd done. I have to learn it's ok to ask for help, and when I do ask for help, it's ok to let things be, and not to control it. Not everything needs to go the way I think is the right way.....my way isn't always the right way for that matter.

I'm so happy to have dreams that make sense in the end, but don't really enjoy them so much while they are happening. The body and mind are an amazing thing....thankfully I'm in tune with both....for the most part.