Time....

There are three things which have inspired me lately. First was some lyrics to a song I've heard billions of times, second was from the 21 day meditation I did last month and the other from the October issue of Yoga Journal. So I think I'll break this down into three sections. (EDIT: the Yoga Journal will have to be a separate entry at a different time). The topics may overlap, I'm not entirely sure where it will take me, but here we go:

Time by Pink Floyd.
I LOVE Pink Floyd. I never thought I did, probably because my mom used to change the station when the song Money came on so I just chalked the band up as being not so hot. When I moved out on my own there was a time where I was partying a lot. Surprise there right?! Isn't that what all teenagers and young adults do? Ok, not all of us. But I was a small town girl in the city. Anyways, I don't think I really "got" Pink Floyd until I was stoned out of my gourd one night with my buddies and the song Time came on. Time is one of those songs that just have to be cranked up, and then you can't help but sway back and forth or bob your head as it sweeps you away. After that moment I was hooked. I had to get my hands on as much Floyd as I could. Lucky for me one of my roommates also loved Pink Floyd. Now days I don't get stoned but the experience of Floyd are always the same. It brings a smile to my face and triggers the reaction of cranking it up and floating away. Just recently however I put the Dark Side of the Moon album on (my favorite by far) and sat down on the couch listening to it. We'd bought new speakers for the stereo and TV and I wanted to test drive them. So sitting there on the couch, in the middle of the speakers, Time cranked up as loud as I could, without blowing the speakers, eyes closed and taking it all in. Then, I hear the lyrics. I mean, really hear the lyrics for the first time. And this is the line that stood out in my yogini mind,
"And then one day you'll find ten years have got behind you. No one told you when to run. You missed the starting gun."
WHOA! Did he really just say that? Was it true? Pivotal right?!?! Who knew a band I learned to love when I was stoned out of my head could bring me so much wisdom 10 years later....WHOA! Just now realized 10 years! Ironic really....wasn't even making that connection before I started writing this. But really, where I'm going with this is that it's so often true. We let time pass us by so quickly thinking tomorrow will be the "good" day, next month we're going on vacation, next year I'll go back to school for what I want to do. What about today? What about this second? I once read the choices you make today will determine who you'll be in six months. Think about that! Don't wait 10 years folks, life is entirely too short.





Yet Hafiz: Saints Bowing in the Mountains
During the 21 day meditation challenge Davidji read a poem by Yet Hafiz. The whole thing is pretty awesome, and you should look it up if you haven't read it, but I want to talk about the first two lines specifically because that's what caught my attention.
"Do you know how beautiful you are?
I think not, my dear."
Again, I can relate with this as I'm sure many people can. There have been times in my life where I have been very self conscience of my weight, my looks, my fashion and blah blah blah. I never really was overweight, well, until I met my wonderful cook of a husband, but that's not his fault. That was a lesson in self control I had to learn, but probably a topic of a later blog entry. So, being pregnant. Being pregnant is not the most elegant of times in a woman’s life. Well, from an outsider looking in it is. I've always thought pregnant women were pretty spectacular looking. But let me tell you, being here is a different story. I don't feel beautiful sometimes, ok honestly, most times, who would with a "bowl full of jelly" that constantly bumping into things and getting in the way? I mean really, I feel clumsy, forgetful, and emotional at times and down right uncomfortable. I've given up on shaving my legs for the last three weeks...that's not so beautiful now is it? But then, I have to look at things from a different minds eye. What's not to be beautiful about creating new life, creating a new soul and being the vessel for something amazing?

Who Am I (Part 3)

A Mother (to be)

Let me start off by saying there was a short time I was really considering not having children. I mean, I always wanted children, but then I started facing some stuff from my past, mostly anger issues, and thought maybe it would be better if I didn't have a child I could "mess up".

Once I'd sorted through my issues, for the most part since I feel we never really sort ALL the way through anything, Nick and I decided the time was right to start a family. We had a trip planned to New Zealand and the whole idea was to start our family while we were there. Only because we wanted to taunt our child later on and tell them they were made in New Zealand, in a camper van! But plans changed. I ended up being almost 2 months pregnant by the time our trip came around, and that's two months regular people time, not gestational. I have still yet to figure all that business out, and I'm only 3 weeks away from the babe coming.

I got lucky. I didn't end up having morning sickness at all during the first trimester. Don't get me wrong, there were days when my stomach didn't feel right or when things just didn't sound good to eat at all, but I never ended up getting sick. I feel blessed being as how we were on our vacation in New Zealand for two weeks. I was tired though. We would drive all day from one town to the next and then I would have to tell Nick I needed a nap. I couldn't sleep while we were driving. I guess there was a part of me that didn't want to miss anything we were driving past, but then I also was a bit nervous as we were driving on the different side of the road.

The night before I found out we were pregnant I had a dream about having a baby. In my dream the MD was telling me she had to do a c-section. I already knew, in real life, I would have to have a c-section due to a myomectomy I had in 2008. But, I kept telling her no! I knew I could deliver the baby on my own, I just needed to meditate and breathe. So then I grabbed Nick and told him to start meditating with me and to breathe, and then, the baby was born. It was a boy. I woke up. Back to real life. When I woke up I got up with Nick as he was getting ready for work. I usually don't, but it was our two year anniversary and I wanted to see him off. I decided to take a pregnancy test that morning too. I wasn't late or anything, actually it was a day early, but I thought it would be awesome to find out on our anniversary. So I took the test and didn't expect much. But then there was the word "pregnant" on the little screen. I almost started crying but I was too shocked. It's pretty strange that even when you're trying to get pregnant it's still shocking to get the positive test. I went down stairs and told Nick and showed him the test. Poor guy didn't know what to think, say or feel because he was just about to leave for work. I mean, he was excited, but he couldn't really share in the celebration at that moment. We did celebrate later though with a really nice dinner that night at Rooney's.

After I got the positive test there were so many things running through my head. Not to mention all the different emotions. I was scared. What if something happened or I have a miscarriage? What if I don't know what to do? What if I'm a bad Mom? How are Nick and I going to handle a huge change? Will we be able to afford a child and still have a level of financial comfort? How am I going to do this with all of my family being on the west coast? I was excited. Oh, my goodness I'm going to be a Mama, and this is going to be so fun. I was sad. My life was about to change in roughly 9 months (for the better, but there's still some element of sadness. I can't really explain it, and I know it may sound selfish, but it's there).

There is some selfish element I have that made the beginning of pregnancy kind of hard for me. I felt like I was giving up a lot and for what? I know this doesn't make sense, but let me explain. I couldn't weed eat the back yard anymore because when I tried I almost passed out. I couldn't have a nice cold beer with a burger and it was beginning to be summer and hot. I couldn't just go and go and go anymore because it was exhausting. I think I felt this way (selfish and frustrated) because I still felt normal, and my body looked like it always had. It was as if nothing was different, but I had to make a whole life style change. Of course, I know it was for something, and something well worth the change, but it was frustrating to have to slow down. And then things really slowed down.

I woke up one morning and I couldn't pee. I tried and tried and tried with no luck. So I called my MD and she told me to go to the ER. I called Nick and let him know and they sent him home from work. I ended up sitting in the ER all day, with a full bladder. They wanted it to stay full so they could do an ultrasound and see through the damned thing. Let me tell you, it was so painful. Not only was I in the psych room in the ER where there was nothing on the walls and had a door that if shut would lock me in there, but I was pacing (probably looked like I should have been in the psych). I couldn't sit and I couldn't lay down. They had me pee in a cup, what little I could to make sure I didn't have a bladder infection. I knew I didn't because I've had one before and know what they feel like. I've also had kidney stones and know what those feel like and it wasn't that either, but they never listen. It's hard when one knows their body really well and people won't listen. Anyways, once they got the ultrasound they saw that my bladder was actually on top of my uterus and not below it. So, my bladder was on the uterus, which was on my ureter, smashing it and making it impossible to get any relief. Finally the MD comes in and puts a catheter in me. RELIEF! She sends me home and tells me to call the office in the morning and they would know more what to do. In the mean time she was going to have a specialist look at all my records. She also advised me I could get on all fours on the bed and jump up and down and it would possibly help my uterus move up where it was supposed to be. Was she crazy? How in the hell was I was supposed to get on all fours and jump up and down with a catheter hose hanging out? What if I landed on the damned thing and then pulled it out? No way!  It would have been nice if I could have done some yoga too and maybe done some inversion poses, but nope couldn't even help myself that way either. If I'd gotten into an inversion all the urine would have ran back up the catheter and into my body and could have caused infection. Blah! I figured this was just what I had to go through because I didn't get morning sickness. And a weekend with a catheter was nothing.

After that incident all has been well. I've had a couple times where I've felt dizzy or nauseous, but other than that, smooth ride. I feel really lucky too.

Pregnancy has been a pretty spiritual journey for me and such a learning experience. There were times when I knew my hormones were making me upset about trivial stuff so I would just be quiet and try to sort through it. Well Nick noticed me being quiet and wondered if he'd done something wrong. I had to learn how to communicate to him that it was ok, nothing he'd done and I just had to sort through it. It very well could have been something he said, but I knew it wasn't anything to get crazy about because I knew I could get way out of control and upset, angry or hurt over something that wouldn't be worth it in the end. My mind has never worked like that. It's always worked in the "jump to conclusions" kind of way and rush to a rash decision and get pissed or hurt. All this was new, and to think it was happening when I was pregnant. Wasn't I supposed to be a raging bitch? Wasn't I supposed to be crying all the time? Wasn't I supposed to be demanding? Ok, so I had elements of all of the above, but nothing like I ever imagined because I was working through it.

The babe:
There really is nothing like feeling the baby move for the first time. I actually thought I had a twitch in my stomach muscle. Then about 5 minutes later realized I was such a dope, and it was the baby moving! Haha. I wanted Nick to feel it so bad. I wanted to share with him this milestone. He wouldn't be able to feel the baby move for weeks to come though. I would always tell him when the baby was moving. I always put his hand on my belly too, just in case. I remember the first time he felt the movement. He thought it was a burp bubble coming up! It was hilarious. Now he can feel the baby all the time and I think the baby knows when he's got his hand on my belly. It had me laughing one night. Nick was snuggled up behind me with his hand on my belly and then the babe kept kicking his hand. Then I would get an elbow on the other side of my belly and a kick again to Nick's hand. What an amazing thing growing a life can be.

There comes a time in a woman's pregnancy where it really hits her that there's life growing inside. I can't even explain how that makes me feel. Through all the frustration and all the discomfort there is a pride, a love and overwhelming feeling. I can't imagine how much more I could love someone but I know as soon as I see my child it will be a well of love bubbling over. I can't wait. I can't wait to share the baby with Nick. Men don't get all the fun times we do for 9 months. They don't get to feel the baby moving all the time. Nick once said he was bored with pregnancy because I was the only one that got to play with the baby. In three weeks Nick will get to play with our baby and I can't wait to give him that. I can't wait to see all the love he has for the babe and for me and for our little family. What a blessing an honor to be a Mother.

Who Am I? (Part 2)

The yogini:

A couple weeks after moving to Rochester I started a membership at the local YMCA. I gained some weight (from my husbands amazing meals) and wanted to start getting back into shape. Part of the membership was that all classes were free. This is part of the reason I started doing yoga. At one point I had a room mate who did yoga and she once told me her whole day was out of whack if she missed her yoga class. I didn't get it at the time. Once I started going I was hooked. Okay, honestly I was hooked after the first class. This was the kind of "work out" I could get used to. There's nothing really hard about yoga or not any reason to be hard on yourself because the poses have modifications which means anyone can do them. I was finding running or anything like that was mentally draining for me because I wouldn't let go if I couldn't go that extra mile. As I was going to these classes I started noticing subtle things. Things like how my foot felt on the floor, how my back wasn't hurting when I bent over to dry off my feet or when I was rolling out of bed, and how I was noticing how much tension was in my shoulders. I told Nick I thought I should learn to be a yoga teacher. Somewhere inside me I knew this was it. This was what I'd been waiting for all my adult life. Something I was passionate about, something that connected me with other people. I'm not the sort of person though who says, "I should learn to teach yoga" and then follows through....completely, (I know, it's kind of a big downfall, but I work on it every day). I looked into teacher trainings thinking about how much money it was going to cost to fly to Puerto Rico or somewhere exotic, for a month, to learn how to teach. Not to mention I'd have to take a month off work and pay for a plane ticket. Then I would make up some excuse why it wouldn't work, blah blah blah. Nick finally got fed up of hearing me battle back and forth with myself about teaching and looked into it. He's such a good researcher and go and get the job done kinda guy. Well, he found a yoga teacher training (YTT) near us. He walked upstairs, handed me his cell phone and said, "Check this website out. The guy has a yoga teacher training in Syracuse, I think you should call him." I was pretty shocked. It almost felt like a do it now type thing, cause if you don't you won't. I called him.

Tony talked to me over the phone one time and I agreed to go to one of his yoga classes (who wouldn't, the first class was free!). I also in the mean time printed out the application for his school and filled it out. Nick had to stand duty the night of the yoga class and I switched vehicles with him because I prefer to drive the truck at night. Halfway to Syracuse I realized my yoga mat was in the car. Shoot! You won't believe all the crazy thoughts going through my head. "This is almost like an interview. You're going to see if you like this guys class and he's interviewing you about going to his school and you're going to show up unprepared!" These thoughts by the way are what yogi's call citta (pronounced chit-ah). Constant chatter of the mind. Well, my citta was certainly getting the best of me. I luckily had time to stop at Wegman's (the local grocery store for you West Coasters) and pick up a yoga mat. I knew they would have them because I'd seen them at the Wegman's near our house. Finding the damned thing took forever though. I was almost late to class. So I got there and introduced myself to Tony and parked my very smelly mat (they tend to have an awfully Strong odor when you open them for the first time) on the floor and sat down. What happened next was amazing. Tony's class was so much more than what I was getting at the Y. He had a meditation at the beginning of the class, his poses were slower and more experiential and then there was Savasana. Savasas is at end of a yoga class where you lay down and let all the things you experienced soak into your entire being allowing your body to process it all. Tony also took the time to make the ambiance of the class exactly what he wanted. The floors were clean, the candles were lined up along the long wall in front of everyone, and the music seemed to set the tone....complete calm. I knew right then this was something special. There was more to yoga than getting in a pretzel or doing the Warrior Pose. Yoga was internal and amazing. I can't really describe much more of the class because I was just so excited about it and sharing it with Nick that the details have left me :)

After the class was over Tony came and talked to me about what kind of experience I had doing yoga and genuinely wanted to know about me. I had only a couple months of yoga under my belt, not the full year he'd have liked his students to have, but he could see that I was like him when he found yoga. I had a passion for it. I had what it took to be a teacher. I handed him my application and my $25 application fee and went on my way, happy as a clam. Every time I woke up that night I checked my email on my phone to see if he'd emailed me that I was accepted into the Infinite Light Yoga Teacher Training. He did. I was so excited. This was the beginning of something amazing, a journey I was so excited to take. This journey wouldn't have been possible if my husband hadn't kicked my bum into gear and said to go out and do it. Nick even put off going to New Zealand for a year so we could pay for YTT because "it was more important than the trip" (those are the man's own words).

January rolled around and it was time for YTT to start. Nick decided to go with me my first weekend (he went skiing while I was in class, and then watched football on Sunday while I was in class). I couldn't have been happier to have him along to support me. He knew it was a big deal and something very important. The first night Tony told us all how we would start to change during YTT. Later when I was sharing this with Nick he told me it was too late I'd already been changing (in a good way). You see, the definition of yoga is union or yoke. The union of mind and body. Something I'd never had. I mean yeah, I know when my toe hurts because I've stubbed it, but I've never understood that the tension in my shoulder was because the citta in my brain was too much for my mind to process and it showed up in my body. This we call "issues in the tissues". There were so many ah ha moments in YTT I can't even list them all. I think one of the most memorable things for me was learning to meditate and how beneficial it was. I also loved all the philosophies of yoga. To me they just made sense.

While I was in YTT there were things "coming up" that I wasn't exactly sure how to answer. A friend of ours mentioned how yoga was something you had to be careful with, as was meditation because it's like a religion and can be bad for you, if you get into the wrong stuff. This really threw me for a loop. I had to really consider this for a long time. It was something I had a really difficult time coming to terms with inside myself. Was I bad because I read about Buddhist ideals (not that this has anything to do with yoga so much, but I still read about Buddhist, Taoist stuff)? Was I bad because I was reading the Yoga Sutras and they made sense to me as much as the 10 Commandments? Was I bad to listen to stories of Shiva and Krishna and interpret them as more like fables? Is it wrong that chanting OM at the end of class resonated within me and brought me peace? I don't think it was until Easter of this year when I went to church with my neighbor that I really got it and understood that what I was studying and what I was learning and practicing (yoga) were not "bad" or harmful to me or my beliefs. While I was in church Easter morning we bowed our heads to pray and my eyes went directly to that spot they go when I'm in meditation. Click! I'd been praying all this time in my own way and didn't realize it. Yoga to me is a physical expression of a prayer. My body is a temple and I'm honoring it. I'm clearing my mind in meditation and letting my thoughts be, letting God speak to me however He will. There are times when I'm in a pose, let's just say Warrior, and I think about how amazing it is I've been given this body, and I'm able to express myself through this pose. For me, I don't think God cares how you come to know Him, how you pray to Him, whether through prayer, meditation or mantra (yes I see mantra's in Sanskrit as a form of prayer), I just think He cares that you get to Him. And though yoga is not a religion, it has helped me grow in  my own religion, just as it has for many others of many other faiths and religions.


YTT graduation ceremony August 2010

Anyone who asks Nick about the me before YTT and the me after YTT will learn how much of a blessing it has been in my life. I am slower to anger because I'm more aware of the thoughts going through my head. I am quicker to love and to help. I'm quicker to listen to some ones point of view without pushing my thoughts on them. I can feel my feet on the floor. I'm aware that my leg is numb all the time, but doing certain poses makes it feel better. I'm aware that when I don't do yoga I get grumpy, frumpy and agitated. Yoga for me is what cooking is for Nick. Sometimes Nick will even tell me, "You need to go to a yoga class."
I'm a yogini waiting to shine my light on students. I'm ready to weave philosophies into classes and help people get into a pose for the first time and REALLY feel it. I am a yogini that hopes to someday share my passion with students and help them find what I have found through yoga.....myself.

Om Shanti

Who Am I? (Part 1)

It seems as though we ask ourselves this question many times in our lives. It just so happens I recently finished a 21 day meditation challenge and the first weeks focus was "Who am I?" I really got to thinking about this a lot because at first I wasn't sure what/who I thought I was. I mean, I have titles so to speak, but really, do we ever know who we are? We are constantly changing.

I would have to say, firstly, I'm a wife to an absolutely amazing man. Many people have told me he should be cloned. Well friends, I'm working on that, because we have a bun in the oven....but that story is for later.

Here's some of our back story:


King's River

When Nick and I met he lived in Monterey, Ca and I was living in San Jose, Ca. It was July 4th weekend and I was going camping with a guy I was dating at the time and his friends. The adventure was to be at King's River near Fresno. Note, the campground was no where near either my home or Nick's and how we both ended up there is only something I can image was part of a bigger plan. So we all got to the campground and started setting up. I don't remember meeting Nick the first night, but apparently I did. The next day everyone was just hanging out, but the guy I was dating ended up being sick and hanging out in the tent most of the day. At some point everyone went up the river to get in tubes and float down the river. I was sitting on my tube and then Nick started talking to me. I was secretly thinking to myself, "Does this guy realize I'm here with another dude?" but I talked to him nicely and kept my thoughts to myself (imagine that?). Everyone finally got there and we floated down the river and into madness. Part of the group got separated and ended up going to far, which was scary because some rangers told us to make sure we got off the river at our camp site. Thankfully, everyone made it back safely though. Night came and Nick and his friends, (I forgot to mention Nick and his two friends set up camp at the site right next door to us, they were not a part of our group and none of us knew any of them) came over for a campfire and some drinks. I had not seen Nick's eyes at this point because he was always wearing his sunglasses. Well, you don't wear sunglasses at night, unless of course you're the guy on that stupid beer commercial, but anyways. As soon as I saw his blue eyes I said, "You have AMAZING eyes." Those of you who know me already know I don't much screen the things that come out of my mouth, especially when a compliment is due. Nick later told me after I said that, it was on in his mind, he wasn't going to be obvious about it but he was interested. The next day there was a bunch of drama floating around our campsite so I asked Nick if I could lay in his hammock and read my book (If the Buddha Dated, great book by the way), with the secret hope we would be able to have some conversation. Nick didn't want to seem obvious, so he up and left, and went to the river to wash up. My heart sank, although he did return. He climbed in his tent near the hammock and we started talking through the window, sly little devil isn't he? He put on some Van Morrison and then in my mind it was on, I was interested. A man that likes good music is always a plus in my musical head. We ended up talking all afternoon and late into the night after everyone had passed out. We talked about work, military life, music, just about anything. I made him a play list on his iPod to listen to when he got home and only gave him my email address. In my mind, I knew what I had to do when I got home, break things off with the guy I was seeing. There was something about Nick I'd never shared with someone else. The fact that we could talk about things, philosophical things, deep things, easy things and there was no judgement and we were both ourselves. This was pretty empowering really. The next day both of us packed up and went home (in separate cars of course), the guy I was with ended up staying one more night and came back the next day. Nick had given me his card (he's in the US Coast Guard) and I couldn't resist calling him when I got in my apartment....and I did. We talked all night. We talked about the guy I was seeing and what I had to do. So the next day when he came to my house I broke it off. He was confused because he thought we'd been close on the camping trip (this blew my mind because I'd hardly spent any time with the guy cause he was sick in the tent, and I didn't bother to take care of him, I know, I"m bad), but it had to be done, I knew there was so much more for me. The very next weekend was the motorcycle races at Laguna Seca and I had planned to go out there for it, but in the mean time I talked to Nick during the day through texts and every night on the phone for hours. I was even so bold to tell him on Wednesday or Thursday night before going out there that I was going to marry him. His reply, "Okay!" Nick sent me a cd for the 1 hour drive to Monterey from San Jose. First song on the mix was Open Your Eyes by Snow Patrol. I was almost in tears, and still feel that way as soon as the song comes on. Meeting Nick really did open my eyes to so many things, but how the hell could he have known that?  He's the best thing that's ever happened to me.



Enjoying the weekend at Laguna Seca, and enjoying each other.

Nick and I have been inseparable from then on. We were engaged on October 13, 2008, married on January 31, 2009 and then moved to Rochester, NY June 2009 because he was stationed on Lake Ontario for work. Did I mention we bought our first house here in Rochester too?  

After Nick proposed. <3

So, being a wife.

I always thought I would be a wife, but never really to such an amazing man. I can't tell you why. Maybe because it seems, in my mind, there haven't been too many really stable men in my life. Nick is the definition of stable. He keeps me grounded and calm. I have been neither grounded nor calm for most of my life. When we were first married it was hard for me in a lot of ways. Not the fact that I was married, but the fact that someone loved me so much; when I first wake up with bad breath, uncombed hair, unshaved legs and even when I say the most off the wall, random stuff. Talk about overwhelming. Even when something is bothering me, that I never imagined sharing with someone I was in a relationship with, I can talk to Nick about it and he never judges, only listens and then shares how he is feeling so we can be kosher and on the same page. I am also not what you would call the "typical" wife. Nick does the cooking in our house. Thank the Lord, because I'm not a fan of cooking, but letting that go was difficult. In my mind, I was supposed to do the cooking because that's what I'd watched my mother and grandmother do. So wasn't I a bad wife? I had to realize that Nick needs to cook. Being the one to cook in my mind is a stereotype of what a wife should be, part of the wife title. Cooking keeps Nick sane. It's what makes the man tick. He feels so good when he makes an amazing meal and then enjoys it. 



Nick and I on our wedding day.



Being a wife is so much more than being the cook, cleaner etc etc. When you're a wife, you're a friend, a confidant, a lover, a caretaker and half of the balance. Such as being a husband, but this blog is about a wife :) All of these counterparts are who I am wrapped into one simple title....wife....it's who I am.